I Have No Time For Myself as a Single Parent - How Can I Practice Self-Care During the Busiest Time of the Year?

When you’re the primary parent, juggling work, parenting, court preparation, and trauma, it can feel impossible to add self-care to the already-long to-do list.

Sometimes our self-care routines have to be bare bones and efficient in order to meet our needs, with our limited time.

When the narcissist has established clear patterns of abuse and betrayal, why do some survivors experience shock and grief - and how can we deal with these emotions?

So many survivors experience massive shame and embarrassment when they feel shock, grief, or betrayal at the narcissist’s actions. Those around them may fan the flames of shame by saying things like, “This is just what they do - why are you surprised?” 

The reality is that our emotions are important. And when the person that you once trusted and even had children with does something to harm you, it’s going to hurt.

Excerpt from a poem, written by a brave, 14-year-old survivor of reunification therapy:

In family courts where shadows loom, Injustice seals a silent tomb.

The cries of children lost to air, A system blind, no love, no care.

Reunification—a bitter name, A cruel disguise for endless shame.

Therapists trained to twist the truth, To force the bonds that pain unglues.

The abuser smiles, their mask refined, While courts ignore a shattered mind.

A child is placed in harmful arms, Condemned to suffer hidden harms.

When you’re giving parenting your all, but feel overwhelmed and distracted by the preparation for court, heavy parenting guilt can hit hard. Especially during the holidays.

Many protective parents face looming court dates close to the holidays, and struggle with time management, the ability to be present with their kids, and finding any level of peace or joy due to stress and the heavy workload of preparing legal documents.

A riveting and heartbreaking family court story has been circulating online and in advocacy communities for the past few weeks. Marlana Christopher resides in Oklahoma but has a child custody case in Texas and despite following orders to take her daughter to a child advocacy center on November 6, she was arrested based on Texas Penal Code § 25.03: Interference with Child Custody.

If you’re like many victim-survivors of narcissistic abuse, the holiday season can be a triggering time. 

We know that narcissistic abusers amp up during the holiday season for a variety of reasons - and unfortunately, this often embeds deep triggers in victim-survivors.

For many of us the smells, sounds, and colors of the holiday season can trigger painful, traumatic memories of the abuser’s cruelest moments. Additionally, the added pressure to tend to our children’s emotional needs can lead to burnout and emotional exhaustion.

The practice of gratitude got me through some of the most difficult times of my life. 

If you’ve been in this community long, you know that we are all about taking off the rose-colored glasses and seeing through the lens of reality.

But when reality is dark, corrupt, and traumatizing, is it even possible to practice gratitude? And why would you want to?

Denver, Colorado – A newly filed motion has unveiled troubling revelations surrounding a custody decision that granted full custody to a father with a documented history of child sexual assault. This decision made in Colorado's 7th Judicial District, has come under intense scrutiny following allegations of personal relationships between the father and key judicial officials.  Despite the father’s admission to sexually assaulting a 4-year-old child and over 35 reports from medical professionals expressing grave concerns for the child’s safety, the court awarded him full custody in 2022.

No doubt you’re breaking generational cycles as you divorce a narcissist - but did you consider that you’re also a cycle-MAKER?

Divorce, though extremely common, still carries immense shame and isolation as family, friends, and other members of your community may criticize or ostracize you for leaving your abuser.

Everyone deserves (and needs!) their tribe when leaving a narcissistic abuser.

So many of you face the day-to-day challenges of narcissistic abuse and high conflict divorce without the support of family and friends. So many of you have never had supportive family or friends. And yet you are courageously bushwacking your way out of abuse and toward peace for yourself and your children.

What does judicial bias look like in the context of family court proceedings? Here are two examples of many:

Judge Tametrice Hodges-Linzey of Hinds County, Mississippi and Circuit Court Judge Jennifer A. Lemire of New Hampshire.

When you face constant scrutiny with devastating consequences, the anxiety and panic can feel paralyzing.

The family court system is corrupt enough, without adding unethical legal professionals to the mix.

But too often, survivors find themselves facing victimization at the hands of their abuser’s legal team.

It’s absolutely possible to heal from the devastating effects of gaslighting - learn how.

Over the near-decade I was with Seth, his gaslighting tactics truly drained me in so many ways. From losing my ability to trust my own memory to even doubting my competency to complete simple household tasks.

Seth, like most narcissists, is a master gaslighter. He defined my reality for me, and I lost myself, for a while, in the twisted and disempowering reality that he wanted me to live in with him.

It makes sense that children feel confused when narcissistic abuse is present in a family dynamic. If the abuser is actively gaslighting them, it can become even more convoluted and difficult to discern reality. 

Age, maturity level, and whether or not the child has a support network outside of the family system can be factors in how the child processes your decision to leave. 

And sometimes children will feel confused, angry, and resentful for your decision to leave.

If you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse and find yourself on the battlefield of the family court system, feel free to share this open letter with your support team (or create your own).

When you’re struggling to find something to be grateful for, consider this simple lesson.

Many of us can relate to the ups and downs in a romantic relationship with a narcissist.

The deliberate though subtle hits to our self-esteem followed by beautiful words on a card and a bouquet of flowers.

The scathing silent treatment for no obvious reason followed by affection that invites us into a whirlwind of romance.

The sharp, shocking confusion of verbal or physical violence, followed by “vulnerable” admissions of a traumatic past and needing us to help them heal because we are the only ones who “really understand them”.

This common scenario can be terrifying. But you’re not alone.

For years, I lived in terror, trying to protect my daughters from Jason Porter and the rest of my X’s family.

There were days when I felt entirely defeated - sure that my X mother-in-law’s tireless work to spit-shine the family name would prevail over my endless work to protect my daughters.

Let’s discuss the phrase “it takes two to tango” in the context of a high conflict divorce.

Too often, I hear of victim-survivors on the battlefield hearing some variation of the blaming/shaming phrase, “It takes two to tango” - meaning that the high conflict divorce or custody battle is the shared responsibility of both parties. That two conflictual people are perpetuating the cycle of contention and conflict and that if one simply decided to calm down and be reasonable, the divorce or custody battle could be resolved.

Colorado advocates and protective parents join state lawmakers, national organizations, and affected individuals to call for justice in this case and an end to family court judges refusing to follow laws that protect vulnerable children and victims of domestic violence.

You’ll likely experience intense emotions on the battlefield. Learn how to work with them so that you can show up in a healthy way for your children.