My Adult Children Believe the Lies My Narcissistic Ex Says About Me

There’s no pain like losing adult children to the narcissistic abuser’s smear campaign. 

Narcissistic abusers know exactly how to cause the most pain to their victims. For many survivors, this means that the abuser goes after the parent-child relationship. With grown children, this can be devastating.

While every situation is different and there are no quick fixes, here are some words of comfort and advice from the battlefield.

Express & Process Your Difficult Emotions - But Not To Your Children 

Having a safe place to process the intense frustration, grief, and anger for the injustice of this situation is absolutely necessary for your sanity. 

But it’s important that you make sure that you’re not trying to process these emotions with your children. 

While it can feel tempting to communicate your pain to your grown children in an effort to connect them with reality, it can work against you and your relationship with them if they feel they have to carry or soothe your difficult emotions.

Do YOUR Work to Stay in Reality & Stand in Your Truth

Due to chronic gaslighting and manipulation, it can be very difficult to feel real clarity regarding your relationship with your children: wait, was I a “bad” parent? Did I just imagine the closeness and safety we felt together? Am I exaggerating my ex’s abuse in my head? 

While it’s important to take your children seriously and honor their freedom to feel what they feel, it is your right to stand in your truth. 

Read old journal entries, look at old photos, attend counseling, join a support group, and work hard to live in reality.

The abuser wants you to feel confused and distorted. 

But even though their gaslighting is working on the children, it does not have to work on you. 

Be the Safe Place For Your Children - Even When it Hurts

Children of narcissists, even grown children, often experience immense pain from the toxic, self-centered, manipulative “love” they receive from the narcissistic parent.

They may lash out at the safe parent because you’re the only person they can express difficult emotions toward without fear of abandonment or abuse.

This is deeply painful and we highly recommend every protective parent work toward cultivating a strong, consistent support network.

Try to show up for your children in empathetic, non-judgmental ways. Allow them to speak openly with you, validate their feelings while standing in your truth, and encourage authenticity and autonomy.

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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.

About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,”  I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.