I Want to Date But I’m Terrified of My Narcissistic Ex
After narcissistic abuse, survivors deserve to enter the dating world feeling empowered and strong.
Divorcing a narcissist is a massive victory (even though it feels like a never-ending nightmare). But the fear of an ex’s threats, harassment, jealousy, or other forms of retaliation can be overwhelming - especially when a survivor is ready to enter the dating world.
The Fear of Retribution is So Real
A huge societal myth is that abuse stops once the relationship ends. This is absolutely false because in most cases the abuse simply shifts to different methods of control. Post-separation abuse can peak and become extremely terrifying when the narcissist realizes that they’ve lost even more control of the victim as the victim begins dating other people.
The fear of retribution is so real because during the marriage, you likely experienced control, jealousy, coercion, manipulation, and threats.
This dynamic doesn’t disappear once the divorce is finalized - and your awareness of that reality is actually your superpower - because being aware of the reality of who your abuser is can help you put up safeguards to protect yourself as much as possible as you move into your new life.
Boundaries & Safeguards
As you begin to venture into the dating world, there are a plethora of decisions, boundaries, and safeguards you can proactively put into place with potential partners.
But let’s focus on what you can do to protect yourself from the narcissistic abuser that you recently left.
Protect your privacy. Social media is an easy tool for abusers to use to track and stalk survivors. Consider putting safeguards in place to protect your social media accounts and all of your private information that you don’t want the narcissist to see.
Protect your location. Narcissistic abusers are well-known to use GPS trackers, tracking apps, and other means to stalk their victims. Local law enforcement can help you “sweep” your vehicle and home for tracking bugs. Make sure that your location is set to “off” on your phone. Double check children’s devices that the narcissist may send them home with.
Be extra cautious of any information that you share on dating apps or websites. Assume that the narcissist is also on most dating apps/websites and will be on the lookout for your profile. Don’t share any information that could put you in danger.
Anticipate Retribution - And Have a Plan
The reality is that no matter how many safeguards you have in place, a determined and obsessive narcissist is likely to have a temper tantrum of epic proportions if and when you commit to a new partner.
Expect and anticipate retribution. Using our Profiling the Narcissist course, you can determine what the likely reaction will be - and then form a safety plan/response in advance.
For example - if the narcissist is likely to accuse your new partner of inappropriate behavior, make sure that you are speaking openly and honestly with your new partner about this dynamic and have safeguards in place to protect against any accusations.
If your particular narcissist is more likely to show up at restaurants, your partner’s workplace, your house, etc., to threaten and intimidate, be ready to document every interaction and be familiar with what your state offers in terms of protection orders.
Above All - Trust Your Gut
The narcissist craves control over your life. The simple act of dating another person can send the narcissist into a tailspin of chaos. Trust your gut as you venture into the world of dating. Listen to yourself. If something doesn’t feel right, honor your intuition and take steps toward safety.
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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
