Why Am I Still Shocked by My Narcissistic-Ex’s Behavior?

When the narcissist has established clear patterns of abuse and betrayal, why do some survivors experience shock and grief - and how can we deal with these emotions?

So many survivors experience massive shame and embarrassment when they feel shock, grief, or betrayal at the narcissist’s actions. Those around them may fan the flames of shame by saying things like, “This is just what they do - why are you surprised?” 

The reality is that our emotions are important. And when the person that you once trusted and even had children with does something to harm you, it’s going to hurt.

Establishing practices like radical acceptance, expectation management, and having a safe space to process and vent, are essential for survivors.

Radical Acceptance Keeps us Off the Narcissist’s Rollercoaster

When we are deeply affected by the narcissist’s words or behavior, it can feel like we’re riding on a nightmarish rollercoaster.

The good news is that you can get off of the rollercoaster and determine your own emotional state, as you practice radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance allows us to appreciate the reality of our situation fully - it’s not what we want, it’s not right or fair, and it’s going to be tough. BUT we have the resourcefulness, strength, and endurance to keep going.

Managing Your Expectations

When we expect the narcissist to act like a rational, mature, human being, we are setting ourselves up for intense disappointment. Because the narcissist is not going to change. They are going to keep up the same cycles and patterns, and the only thing we CAN change is our mindset.

When we manage our expectations, we see the narcissist for who they have always been, and keep our expectations limited to what we know they are likely to be able to accomplish. This helps us to keep a firm grasp on reality, rather than waving our arms wildly on the narcissist’s roller coaster.

Accepting & Expressing Emotions

There will likely always be some pain when the parent of your children cannot show up in a healthy way. It’s important to accept the emotions that come with having any kind of ties at all to a narcissist. We will likely feel cycles of sadness, disappointment, grief, and frustration.

Expressing your emotions in a safe space with people who understand, can help you continue to bring strategy rather than emotion to the battlefield.

Further, repressed emotions can build up over time. When you regularly express and work through your emotions with someone who understands, you’re avoiding the emotional build-up that can become crippling over time.

There is no shame in strong feelings when the narcissist does something harmful. Please be patient with yourself as you learn new tools for coping with and managing your emotions. It takes time to learn these skills, so please make sure that you’re offering yourself compassion.

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Divorcing a narcissist? Welcome, you've come to the right place.

The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.

About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,”  I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed. You can read more about me here.