When The Narcissist Misses Visitation With Your Kids

What do you do when your narcissist cancels last-minute or simply doesn’t show up for his (or her) parenting time

Disappointment. Frustration. Self-blame. Sadness.

My girls and I are all too familiar with missed and canceled visitations. 

When your ex cancels or misses last-minute, it’s a good idea to have some tools in your arsenal, to be able to meet your children where they’re at, and help them cope with the difficult emotions they may experience.

Radical Acceptance and Missed Visitations

In a blog post many years ago, I shared about how the girls and I arrived at Seth’s pick-up location early, ready for his parenting time.  when we made contact with him by phone, he was clearly hungover and rather than wait the four hours for him to arrive, the girls and I simply went on with our day.

I had to learn very quickly that living radical acceptance is the way to staying sane.

In other words, I had to accept a few things about my ex, just as you may have to accept a few things about yours:

• Radical acceptance helped me stop being surprised and frustrated by missed/canceled visitations.  

• Radical acceptance  prompted me to always have a backup plan so that we could easily transition when Seth missed or canceled visitations.  Sometimes the backup plan was a fun excursion and other times, it was backup child care because I needed to be at work. 

• Radical acceptance helped me to make decisions from a place of calm strategy rather than anger  or anxious energy. For example, rather than having emotional conversations with Seth regarding why he was missing his visitations, I learned how to respond to him calmly and productively (with boundaries), and get to a place where his lifestyle didn’t surprise me anymore.

When Your Ex Misses Visitation

In practice, it looks like this: your ex was supposed to arrive at the pick-up location at 8, let’s say, and your children are excited to see them.

Knowing who the ex has proven themselves to be, you have already done the legwork to plan a nice day in the event that ex doesn’t come or arrives hours later.

So when ex says they are running 3 hours late and the kids inevitably feel discarded, unwanted, and abandoned, you can tell them, “This isn’t about you. You are wonderful. I’m sorry that [Parent] can’t come yet. I know it’s really hard. Let’s go do ______. By then [PARENT] will be ready to pick you up. Okay?” 

Sometimes children, especially older children, take missed and canceled visitations really hard and don’t want to participate in any activities you’ve planned. And that’s okay! They’re feeling the discard and it hurts.  You, better than anyone, knows that feeling.

The Narcissistic Discard Hurts - Be The Empathy Your Kids Need

Your job as the safe parent is to continue to offer the empathy, unconditional love, and acceptance that your children need as they navigate the painful waters of a relationship with a narcissistic parent.

As you practice radical acceptance, you’re more available to meet your children’s emotional needs and care for their emotions.

 I know some of you are in completely different situations, thinking it would be a godsend to have your ex fail to show up for their parenting time.  In many ways, it is but there is still the fallout regardless of the scenario and the children are the ones who suffer most. For many of us, it's difficult to grasp that a human could use children as pawns, not caring about their feelings and that is where radical acceptance becomes our friend.  To operate from a place of calm and strategy, we must remove the element of shock. 

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Divorcing a narcissist? Welcome, you've come to the right place.

The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.

About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,”  I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed. You can read more about me here.