Summer Sadness: When Your Kids Are With the Other Parent
Summertime is notoriously difficult for protective parents.
I can still remember the hollow, aching, fearful anxiety in my stomach when I’d hand the girls over to Seth. I am grateful that we did not have extended periods of time without contact like many of you are facing, but any deviation from the normal schedule is difficult.
From getting their basic needs met, like food and hydration, to concerns about physical violence and exposure to inappropriate material, the anxiety of Seth’s visitation took a major toll on my mental and physical health. The limited time he had (regardless of what it was) was too much. Over the years, it fluctuated as a result of ever-changing court orders.
Over time, I learned that I needed to develop a system of self-care to be able to endure periods of time when my girls weren’t with me. Otherwise, I simply wouldn’t be able to make it through.
Here are some things I learned:
How To Survive Weekends (& Longer Visitation Periods) Without Your Children
It’s essential to make a plan. I’d give myself a list of “self-care to-do” items each day after I was done working. Things like:
Visiting friends
Running or walks
Napping
Organizing (my go-to)
Meditating (as my therapist once said, the ones who struggle with meditation are the ones who needed the most… raising my hand very high)
Journaling or writing
Stretching
If I didn’t have a list of “to-do’s”, then I’d find myself going into the deep, dark abyss of “what if.” Stressing out about whether or not the girls were eating, felt safe, missed me, etc. I knew it was incredibly important to stay busy with activities that quenched my emotional needs and helped me to feel healthier and less anxious. Staying “busy” does tend to be a trauma response (guilty!) so it can be a fine line - this is where self-awareness is critical and guidance from a therapist is essential.
Use your village. Whether your support system consists of family members, friends, or strangers on the internet, now is the time to reach out and let them support you. No one should face the enormity of these emotions alone. Haven't joined our OMB chapters yet, today might be a good day to do that: www.ombchapters.com.
Schedule timers to remind yourself to eat, drink, rest, and breathe. When my girls were with Seth, I’d find myself neglecting many of my own basic needs in order to work on my documentation or finish court documents. Trauma messed with my internal ability to recognize hunger or thirst cues, and the last thing any of us need is to be dehydrated and malnourished while on the battlefield. Deep breathing is an incredible tool when you’re experiencing this level of stress. Using your phone or another tool to remind yourself to meet these basic needs can be a genuine life-saver.
Develop a sleep strategy. Nighttime can be difficult when you’re alone after long periods of nighttime parenting. There are lots of tools out there to help you rest more easily at night when anxiety can creep up on you. Consider using:
A white noise machine
OTC or prescribed sleep aids - Melatonin has been one of my best friends for a very long time
Bedtime stories on Spotify or Apple Podcasts
Meditations on apps like Insight Timer or Calm
Asking a friend or family member to sleep over - we are never too old for slumber parties
Installing security cameras and an alarm system (if you don’t already have them) around your home for an added level of security. I slept with a hammer under my pillow and I am thankful that there are affordable (and more practical) security options available now.
I know the loneliness, fear, and anxiety that so many are experiencing as summer visitation periods are upon us. Please take care of yourself. You WILL get through this.
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Divorcing a narcissist? Welcome, you've come to the right place.
The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed. You can read more about me here.
