What Do Narcissists Actually Want?
A quick Google search will take you down rabbit holes and show you how narcissists want to be viewed by others or what patterns you may be able to predict if you are dealing with a narcissistic individual. But here at OMB, we know from experience what narcissistic, high conflict individuals truly crave.
It was a few years after my battle ended that I created the post separation abuse wheel. The term, “post separation abuse” was the most accurate description of what I was experiencing while fighting for my children.
Like most people, I just assumed that divorce was the solution for toxic, abusive marriages. Separation = problem solved. Right?
Uh, no. Apparently not.
What Does Post-Separation Abuse Entail?
In the years I’ve spent advocating for victim’s rights, it’s astounding to see what lengths narcissistic abusers will go to in order to try to control, intimidate, threaten, harass, and harm ex-partners and children. Some of what I’ve seen includes:
Harassment and Stalking
Financial and Legal Abuse
Abusive and Neglectful Parenting
Allegations of Parental Alienation
Counter Parenting
Post-Separation Abuse Reveals What Narcissists Truly Want
Over the years, many protective parents have tearfully asked me some variation of this question, “But why? Why won’t they just stop? Why won’t they just be a healthy, loving parent and let everyone just live their lives?”
The answer lies in what narcissists really want - the motivation behind what they’re doing.
While married or in a partnership, the narcissist created a dynamic where they were the center of the household’s universe. A climate of walking on eggshells. A climate of fear. A climate of tension. Their feelings, their anger, their happiness, their hobbies, their appetites - these were the center of every single day, of every single thought. And they liked that! They needed that! It didn’t matter that fear was the motivation - being the center of the universe was the goal. They like the power of being in control and being the center of everything.
And that goal didn’t change post-separation.
What changed? The tactics.
Narcissists Want to be The Center of Your Universe
So where they once became the center of your universe by punching holes in walls, creating fear and fawning at home…. Now they file ridiculous motion after ridiculous motion - or send text after text - or send the children home in tattered clothing. Just to remind you (but really themselves):
“I exist! You’re supposed to be thinking about me all day every day!”
If the narcissist in your life has abandonment issues from childhood, they are really spiraling from the separation.
This person has an insatiable need to be relevant. It’s truly disturbing when you think about it.
We know there are other factors that play into this equation but the narcissist’s need to be relevant in your world is all consuming. What are some of the other factors?
You are a threat because you've seen behind the mask so they target your social capital with smear campaigns and other tactics.
They want to inflict pain to punish you and they know the number one way to do that is through your children.
They want to ensure that you do not get ahead, they have worked very hard to beat you down and your success is a threat to them. How many times did they tell you that you would be eating Top Ramen out of a dumpster if you left? They want to ensure that actually happens.
Here's what I want you to know:
Even if things are very dark and difficult right now, you are so brave for leaving.
SO BRAVE.
By leaving, you have the opportunity to show your children what healthy looks like. Had you stayed, your children would have never had a different vantage point. Even if children know the relationship is unhealthy or abusive, it's all they know and many grow up to repeat the cycles whether it be victim or perpetrator.
I am a firm believer that it only takes one healthy parent for children to thrive.
You are holding an incredible opportunity in your hands right now: you are the light in their lives, you are their role model and you have taken the first step in breaking generational cycles.
YOU are a warrior and you should be so proud of yourself.
Education is power - please continue to educate yourself here at OMB and through other trusted advocates like the coaches from my program. We are creating an army and it's a powerful one. You are surrounded by those who walked this journey before you; we've got your back.
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Divorcing a narcissist? Welcome, you've come to the right place.
The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed. You can read more about me here.
