Decoding the “Narcissist Smirk”
If you’re preparing for mediation or court with a narcissistic individual, it’s important to be ready for the infamous “Narcissist Smirk.” What does it mean and how can you respond in a strategic way?
Isn’t it downright disturbing that narcissistic abusers share so many similarities? The “Narcissist Smirk” being one of them.
The “Smirk” itself is a patronizing, condescending, cold smile. I see it most often in court. Even when they’re shackled and wearing prison garb, they still often manage to smirk at their victims if given the opportunity.
Why is the Narcissist Smirking At Me?!
For victims, the “Smirk” is unsettling at best. For me, it was the stuff of nightmares. I never knew if it meant that Seth was scheming or bluffing, preparing for his next attack or reveling in a victory that I didn’t yet know about.
In the last several years, I’ve come to learn that narcissists use the “Smirk” to:
Make victims feel small and insecure during mediation or court;
Show victims that they (the narcissist) know that they’re lying under oath and don’t care!
Display bravado when they look weak (if they’re in handcuffs or are being chastised by a judge or other authority figure);
Mock a victim when the victim is reading an impact statement or sharing their experiences of abuse publicly;
Intimidate and threaten victims when they don’t have other ways to access the victim (a CPO or NCO is in place, law enforcement is present, etc.);
Deliberately show their lack of remorse if they are being held accountable for their harmful behavior.
Handle the Narcissist Smirk with ✨Strategy✨
If you’ve seen the smirk, you know how triggering it can be. It is the definition of unnerving. It can make you want to cry, scream, fight, hide, and run - simultaneously!
But as with all things on the battlefield, we need to remember to use strategy:
Don’t try to figure out why they’re smirking - that’s what the narcissist wants. Whatever it is, it's beyond our control so we have to let it go.
Don’t react - don’t glare, ask why they’re smirking, or make any obvious facial expressions back. A calm demeanor is the best response. They are looking for your reaction, it gives them a sick and twisted “feed” and we don't want to do that.
Don’t take it personally. I know that's easier said than done but I want to be really clear: it’s not about you. It was never about you. They are their own worst enemy, they are at war with themselves and you are just a temporary distraction from that.
Even when you’re practicing strategy, it’s still painful to see that revolting, condescending smirk.
Please remember that you are NOT alone.
If you are feeling alone, let's change that! Be sure to join your regional chapter of One Mom's Battle by going to www.ombchapters.com
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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
