My Ex Keeps Accusing Me of “Parental Alienation”: What Do I Do?!
If you’ve been accused of “Parental Alienation,” know that you are NOT alone. Parental alienation accusations are not only predictable, they are one of the most common legal tactics employed by narcissists during child custody battles. Every protective mother in the family court system needs to learn how to safeguard against alienation claims.
What Is “Parental Alienation”?
Let's start with what it looks like in family court: if the children prefer you over the abusive parent, the abusive parent will immediately accuse you of “Parental Alienation” (junk science - not a real term accepted by any credible organization or professional).
One friend shared this story to help highlight the utter ridiculousness of these claims:
My (then) husband had no qualms about yelling at me in front of the kids, smashing walls, putting holes in the doors, and kicking fences when he was angry. The children witnessed his actions and were scared of him. They preferred me. When we were married, this was just fine with him because he only wanted to “parent” when his family was in town or when friends were around us.
But when I left him? Suddenly, “parental alienation” was his narrative and his victim card. According to him, the kids preferred me because I’d been poisoning them against him for years. He would tell anyone that would listen that I was “gatekeeping” and that I was the reason the children didn’t want to spend time with him. While it was ludicrous, it felt impossible to defend in court because they were actually listening to him. Yes, the children DID prefer me. But it was because he had scared them over and over and over again in their early lives.
Anyone with an ounce of common sense would see right through his story however, common sense doesn't generate income for unscrupulous family court professionals. Let me explain: there is an entire industry built around reunifying children with abusers. It's called the alienation industry and it will go down in history as the biggest multi-level marketing scheme of our lifetime. There is a sales pipeline or funnel that begins with attorneys who then bring in experts, reunification therapists and finally, the intensive reunification programs. Here's the kicker: they only target families with the financial means to pay their exorbitant fees. Apparently, lower income families don't “alienate” children.
How Do I Safeguard Myself From These Claims?
While claims of “parental alienation” can lead to devastating outcomes for both children and protective parents, there are specific actions you can take to safeguard yourself from claims of parental alienation.
The first action you can take is to make sure that you’re following court orders. While it can be incredibly difficult to send our children with an abusive parent, it’s important to follow court orders to the best of our ability to show that we are in no way keeping the children from having a relationship with the other parent.
It is very difficult when our children are resistant or afraid to go with their abusive parent, and it is heart wrenching for us as protective parents. Some of the most difficult moments of my own child custody case were the times my daughters had to be physically peeled off of me, grabbing on to me for dear life. It is inhumane and criminal that our family court system is forcing children to override their instincts and go with an abusive parent. During these situations, my go-to response for my children was, “Mom and dad work with a team of people to determine the rules for our family. There will be times you don't agree with the rules, I don't agree with the rules or dad doesn't agree with the rules but even when mom doesn't agree with the rules, I still have to follow the rules that were made for our family.”
Everything You Need to Know to Safeguard Your Case
Not only has common sense escaped the court system, common sense is often used against protective parents. Common sense tells us that we follow the court order yet I often hear from mom's who were reprimanded for following the court order. I myself experienced this when I followed the portion of the court order that said my ex-husband had to notify me 24 hours in advance of a visit and if he didn't, the visit was canceled. This order was made because he was often a “no show” which was not only an inconvenience but created issues with my work schedule and career. At multiple junctures, he failed to notify me that he would be exercising his parenting time at the 24-hour mark and would send an email 8 hours before or 4 hours before letting me know that he would in fact be there to pick up the girls. I would explain to him that according to the court order, the visitation was canceled and that we would see him on his next weekend. In court, I was chastised for being too strict. The way it was described to me is that in family court, a court order is often seen as a default. They want to see both parents co-parenting and making decisions and if a decision cannot be reached, the fallback is the order from the court. It is the only branch of our Judicial System where a court order is not taken seriously and you can be punished for following it.
If you are concerned about accusations or claims of alienation, gatekeeping, or enmeshment in your future, my online course, Safeguarding Your Case Against Claims of Parental Alienation, may be exactly what you need.
In my course, we cover:
The Most Common Alienation Allegations
The Origin of the Alienation Movement
The Present Day Alienation Movement
How to Safeguard Yourself (and your case) from Alienation Accusations
If someone was just starting this journey asked me which course they should take, this would be the one I would recommend. The reality is, we are under an intense, high-powered microscope in family court. It often feels like the Twilight Zone or upside down world, allegations of "alienation” seem to trump allegations or findings of actual abuse.
I look forward to a day when accusations of “alienation” are seen as a red flag that the accusing parent is an abuser.
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Divorcing a narcissist? Welcome, you've come to the right place.
The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed. You can read more about me here.
