How to Handle Father’s Day When the Father of Your Children is a Narcissist
Father’s Day can be a triggering holiday for moms on the battlefield. Let’s make sure you’re dealing with Father’s Day in a way that will help your case AND aid you on your healing journey.
During my decade-long custody battle for my daughters, I went from completely dreading the month of June, to embracing Father’s Day as an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with my daughters, remind them of the powerful male role models in their lives, and yes - “celebrate” Father’s Day in a way that was authentic to who I am as a mother (and a co-parent) while strengthening my case to protect my daughters.
When Dad is a Narcissist: Some Father’s Day Truths
Over the years, I learned several truths that helped me navigate this (often triggering) holiday in a way that actually brought my daughters and I closer to each other. Those truths were that:
Our focus on Father’s Day was less of a commemoration of their biological father and more of a celebration of all of the healthy men in our lives.
Making and offering Father’s Day cards and gifts to Seth was less about how he would receive them, and more about how my daughters would feel about themselves. I always allowed my daughters to lead and if they wanted to make or purchase a Father's Day gift for him, I was supportive. When they were a bit older and expressed resistance to my suggestions, I followed their lead.
When I initiated plans to make gifts for Seth - they were removed from “the middle” and free to be children.
With documentation, observing Father’s Day with handmade gifts and cards was one way to show the court system that I truly did desire a healthy co parenting relationship with Seth.
Before you throw stones at the mere suggestion of making or purchasing gifts for your abusive co-parent (counter-parent), let me explain further:
First, I feel the need to emphasize that every situation is different and maybe you are in a situation that makes it impossible for you to encourage (or help) your children make a gift for their father. There are so many variables in every situation, and there will never be a one-size-fits-all approach. In a court system that is rampant with allegations of “alienation,” it is critical that we are looking at every situation through the lens of strategy but also authenticity. Like with anything, consult your attorney for guidance and direction on this topic.
Children, especially very young children, do not see the full picture. In school they are making gifts for Father's Day and there's a lot of hype about the holiday in general. My goal during my child custody battle was to keep my children out of the middle. It was exhausting because while I was working overtime to shield them, he was continuing to place them right in the crossfire.
How Can I Invite My Children to Celebrate Father’s Day?
When a family has experienced coercive control, children may not want to do anything for Father’s Day. And that’s okay. Inviting your children to participate in Father’s Day may be as simple as saying, “Mother’s Day was in May, and I loved the card you made me at school. I was wondering if you’d like to make a card like that for your dad? Here are the materials, we can do it together.” Or, “Let’s make cards for all the men in our life that we appreciate. Who do you think should be on that list?” If they don’t include their biological father, you can simply ask if they would like to make one for him, too.
Here is my truth: more than anything, I wanted my daughters to have a healthy father and a solid bond with both parents. I had a deep bond and connection with my father, I wanted that so badly for my children. Making Father's Day gifts is who I authentically am. Even when they were young, I knew that one day they would look back and recognize that mom always took the high road and that mom always kept them out of the middle. If my daughters wanted to make a gift for their dad, regardless of how I felt about him, I was going to make that happen. When they started to have their own experiences with him and balked at the idea or refused, I listened to them and I honored their choices. They were always in control - I have always and will always honor their anonymity.
He’s a Narcissist - He Throws Out Handmade Gifts…
Remember Truth #2 - making and offering Father’s Day cards and gifts to Seth was less about how he would receive them, and more about how my daughters would feel about themselves.
Yes, narcissistic individuals are notorious for expecting expensive, glamorous gifts. They feel entitled to “only the best”. It’s heartbreaking to see sweet handmade cards tossed aside, or carefully crafted artwork forgotten or thrown out.
But remember that it’s not about what he does with the gift. It’s about giving your child(ren) the opportunity to show love or thoughtfulness in a fun way.
Our children are paying attention to everything - sometimes they can't articulate their experiences but they know how each parent makes them feel. A parent who is throwing out their beautiful, handmade gift is something they will remember. Obviously it's something we would prefer to shield them from but that is outside of our control.
Father’s Day Gifts Over the Years
Father’s Day gifts don’t need to be expensive - in fact, most years, the girls made cards or mugs or pictures for him. Here are some ideas you might try:
For older children, purchase a paint-by-number kit (often less than $10). You may be able to find something like this or similar at a dollar store. If feasible, put the painting into a frame.
Using the child(ren)’s handprint to make a sweet card or piece of art. Pour acrylic paint into a paper plate, and help your child place their hand, palm-down, into the paint. Then press their hand while the paint is still wet, onto a piece of paper. If it’s a card, fold in half, and help them write a note inside. If it’s a piece of art, consider having your child sign and date it, then put it in a frame.
Gather flowers from your yard or a park, and press them in a thick book. Then, using a laminator (many libraries have laminators you can use), laminate and then cut them into long rectangles that can be used as bookmarks.
Take a photograph of your child with their prized artwork because my guess is, the artwork is something YOU will cherish even if it's a photograph. When "alienation” claims are flying in the future, these are things to share with your attorney so you can showcase who you are as a parent and a co-parent.
Remember to Practice Self-Care As Father’s Day Approaches
Perhaps most importantly, I learned that practicing self-care when the holidays approach is absolutely necessary. Your presence is such a gift to your children. Self-care amplifies our ability to be present. You’re not alone as this holiday approaches - remember that our community of lemonade-makers understands what you’re going through. We are here for you.
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Divorcing a narcissist? Welcome, you've come to the right place.
The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed. You can read more about mehere.
