My Ex Tells My Kids I’m Keeping Them From Him, What Should I Do?
Learn how to strategically battle the narcissist’s attempts to discredit and undermine
A survivor shared with me that her children came home from visits asking her why she was “keeping them from dad.”
This pervasive and subtle abuse tactic is frustrating and almost impossible to navigate if you don’t have the correct tools - so let’s dive in.
Narcissistic and high conflict individuals are really good at creating confusion and weaponizing the kids. Regardless of how meticulously you follow court orders, they are often excellent at finding ways to spin and twist things to confuse the kids and make it seem like you’re the enemy. How? Here are a few subtle ways they employ this tactic:
Inviting the kids to fun activities or trips during your parenting time, setting you up to say “no.” Now, you are the bad guy and the killer of all things fun.
Lying to the children by telling them that you canceled a planned trip or activity, just to present you in a negative light.
Telling the kids that you’re “trying to put them [the ex] in jail.”
Telling the kids that he/she “wishes mommy would let them have more time with you.” (Setting them up to believe that it’s up to the protective parent, rather than the court system, to determine how much time each parent has with the children).
Strategy for the Narcissist’s Covert Attacks
Experiencing these attacks can make you feel crazy. When your child approaches you and asks, “Why are you trying to put Daddy in jail?” or “Why won’t you let us spend more time with Daddy? It makes him cry every night,” it’s easy to understand why so many survivors doubt themselves and their experiences.
A powerful strategy for these attacks includes:
Learning to stand in your truth. This isn’t a one-time strategy - this is an ongoing practice that requires daily mental energy. The narcissist wants you to doubt your value system, your integrity, and your memory. Just like sudoku or other math/memory games help you stay mentally fit and strong, journaling can help you stay mentally sound as you break through the gaslighting and work to stand strong in your truth.
Developing “power responses” for the narcissist’s attacks. When the kids come to you with those painful questions, it’s important to have a mental backpack, readily packed with strong, honest answers, ready to go.
“I want you to have a healthy relationship with both of your parents.”
“Mom and dad work with a team of people to decide the rules and the schedule for our family. I do not make the rules. Even when we do not agree with the rules, we have to follow them .”
“I don't want anyone to go to jail nor do I get to make those decisions.”
“When someone goes to jail, it’s because they broke the law.”
"Thank you for sharing that with me. I don't have all of the answers but maybe this would be a good topic for us to talk to Miss Sue about on Tuesday.”
If your child has a trusted therapist, lean on them for guidance and wisdom. The narcissist’s covert attacks, especially when they use the kids, can knock you down a peg or two. But try to remember that you’re not alone in this - there is an entire community of support here at OMB. It's hard to find people who “get it” but we get it.
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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
