The Truth About Parental Alienation Accusations
Here’s what protective parents need to know about “parental alienation” accusations in a child custody battle with a narcissist.
For starters, I’d never heard the term “parental alienation” prior to my custody battle beginning in 2009. In fact, when I first heard this accusation from my ex-husband in a court declaration, I found myself googling the term and going down dark, seedy rabbit holes.
"Surely he is confused, I'm ‘alienating’ him?”
Perplexed would be an understatement, I thought there was a mistake. I reflected back on our marriage and the biggest source of contention was the fact that he had no bond or connection to our children nor did he seem to care about them.
For the longest time, it was incredibly confusing. I would see glimpses of the dad that our daughters deserved but behind closed doors, it was a different story. In public, he was fun and lively and the girls would climb all over him as if he were a human jungle gym. At home, our oldest daughter would run and hide when he came home because he was hostile and distant. It was a dark inner rage that had a huge effect on our lives. I was thankful that he was rarely home between his extreme exercise regimens, triathlon training and his work schedule, my coparent was our nanny. He couldn't be bothered by our daughters and, there was no connection. I begged, I pleaded and I went to great lengths to try to facilitate a relationship between he and the girls because I desperately wanted that for our children.
At the time, I didn't understand that he wasn't capable of bonding with the children. They were relevant to him if a camera was snapping photographs or, if friends or family were gathered. That was the extent of their relationship and it was all he was capable of…until our child custody battle started and then, they became very relevant to him but not in the way I wanted. They became pawns and weapons - the children were his way to maintain power and control. He also knew that the children were the number one way to hurt me and inflict deep seated pain.
The term "parental alienation” become the boogeyman in my nightmares as I fought for my children in the family court system against a narcissistic abuser. Thankfully, I successfully fought these allegations and through strategy and thorough documentation, the truth prevailed.
What Are “Parental Alienation Accusations”?
The abuser uses parental alienation accusations to remove children from the protective, healthy parent. They may accuse you of gatekeeping (not allowing them certain kinds of access to the children), enmeshment (forming unhealthy bonds with the children), or full-on alienation (completely blocking them from access to the children).
What’s maddening about these claims is that:
Children can discern for themselves who is healthy and protective and who is not - for obvious reasons, they prefer the healthy parent.
“Parental Alienation” is what is considered JUNK SCIENCE - meaning that it isn’t accepted or recognized by ANY credible organization (the American Psychiatric Association, United Nations Human Rights Counsel, World Health Organization, National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges).
As these claims are recognized in family court, reunification therapists and attorneys rake in a lot of money. It is a "diagnosis" circulated by attorneys and it is a very profitable diagnosis for them to make. Ultimately, those who benefit from claims of parental alienation are abusers and family court professionals who are clearly not working on behalf of the best interest of the children.
The Most Common Tactic Used By The Narcissist
In our community, we’re very familiar with parental alienation accusations. This is the single most common tactic used by narcissistic and high conflict individuals in the family court system. Why?
Because it works!
Therapists and attorneys have found a very lucrative little pocket and are taking advantage of it at every opportunity. It’s truly disgusting.
Can I Safeguard Myself AND My Case Against Parental Alienation Accusations?
Here at One Mom’s Battle, it’s my personal mission to make sure that I’m advocating for children and protective parents to arm themselves against parental alienation accusations. Because the truth is that you CAN be prepared and safeguarded against these claims.
A few tips:
Make sure you’re complying with court orders;
Document thoroughly;
Use strategic communication - and if you haven’t been, start now!
You must show yourself to be the healthier of the two coparents even if this means "playing secretary” when it comes to updating your ex about school events or extracurricular activities. Many people will say, "I'm not his secretary,” and I completely understand that but, I would do it in a heartbeat to prevent my children from entering the "alienation pipeline.”
If this is a topic you are interested in learning more about, my online course, Safeguarding Your Case From Claims of Parental Alienation, goes into all the specifics you need to know exactly how to safeguard yourself and your case from these insidious claim. Sign up now for immediate access.
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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
