Divorcing a Narcissist: How I Survived the Child Custody Battle
When you’re divorcing a narcissist and fighting for your children in court, it’s essential to develop a mindset of radical acceptance. Radical acceptance helped me to survive my decade-long family court battle.
What is “Radical Acceptance”?
Radical acceptance is simply a mindset - you’re choosing to accept that some situations are outside of your control. Rather than focusing on what’s outside of your control, you focus your efforts on what’s in your control.
Divorcing a Narcissist Requires Radical Acceptance
From the moment my marriage ended until I was awarded sole custody (six years later), my ex-husband did everything he could to regain his control over me and our family. Though I always hoped he would change, he never did. The fact is, he is wired in a different way — and he is not capable of being the father that my daughters deserved.
Radical acceptance helps survivors take off the rose-colored lenses. For me, as I developed radical acceptance, my decisions came from a place of truth and self-confidence rather than fear, false hope, and uneasiness. Radical acceptance was also the gateway to having a strategy mindset.
Radical Acceptance in Your Child Custody Battle
The reality was: my entire marriage was built on a façade, lie after lie. My ex-husband never truly loved me because he was not capable of loving anyone, even himself. For survivors of narcissistic abuse, it can be a gut punch to process that nothing was real. Then, there was the realization that I was divorcing a man who had no qualms about severely harming the mother of his children - the reality of his amorality shocked me. Even worse, this was a man who was willing to use two small children to maintain power and control. That was a doozy to process.
But what shocked me further?
That the family court system did not protect us. And that I had to spend a decade of my life fighting to protect my daughters from a man who clearly did not have their best interest in mind.
Radical acceptance saved me from the emotional decisions that hurt my case early on. Radical acceptance helped me course-correct when I deviated from a strategy mindset.
Radical acceptance in my child custody battle was an absolute necessity.
None of this means that I excepted or acquiesced to the reality of the system or my ex-husband's behaviors, it just means that I wasn't fighting reality. I accepted that this was my present moment, and I based my decisions on the reality of what I was facing (not on the injustice and failures of my ex-husband, or the system).
Affirmations for Radical Acceptance in Your Child Custody Battle
All that said, I understand how hard it is to change your mindset, especially if this concept is brand-new to you. I highly recommend Dr. Ramani's work on this topic but I also wanted to share some affirmations that may help guide you.
Some affirmations that helped me as I learned to develop radical acceptance included:
Right now, I’m going to do what I have to do within the broken system so that someday I’ll be able to advocate for change.
The kindest gift I can offer myself is acceptance - to stop fighting reality. Seth is who he is. It is not productive for me to keep expecting him to change.
This is not how I wanted the kids’ childhoods to be. Wishing for things to be different is wasted energy. I can be present and soak up the time we have together - even though it looks different from what I envisioned.
If you are struggling with this topic or any topic, please know that you are not alone. If you are not connected to one of our regional chapters of OMB, this is your invitation to connect with others who "get it.” Go to www.ombchapters.com. If you are not on Facebook but are in need of support, you can join the Lemonade Club at www.thelemonadeclub.com.
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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
