I’m Worried My Kids Will Resent Me For Leaving My Abusive Ex
When you’ve left, or are preparing to leave, a narcissistic abuser, it’s natural to worry that your children won’t understand the abuse dynamic - and will blame or resent you for leaving. Here’s our take.
Narcissistic abuse is incredibly difficult to identify. That’s the nature of “hidden abuse” - creating chaos, confusion, and self-blame so that victims struggle to figure out what’s happening to them. And then, when survivors seek help and support, the abuse can be so covert and hidden under webs of manipulation and gaslighting, that those they reach out to may have a hard time understanding the abuse dynamic.
Can Kids Identify and Understand Narcissistic Abuse?
It makes sense that children feel confused when narcissistic abuse is present in a family dynamic. If the abuser is actively gaslighting them, it can become even more convoluted and difficult to discern reality.
Age, maturity level, and whether or not the child has a support network outside of the family system can be factors in how the child processes your decision to leave.
And sometimes children will feel confused, angry, and resentful for your decision to leave.
Why Does My Child Prefer The Narcissistic Abuser Over Me?
Many protective parents experience doubt and frustration when the children are not only angry with them for leaving the abuser, but some children seem to prefer the abuser.
Often, narcissistic abusers will play the role of “Disneyland Dad” for a short time, or on and off. The “Disneyland Dad” parent:
Showers the child with gifts;
Takes the child on expensive excursions;
Has a “no rules” or “few rules” mentality at home;
Speaks negatively about the healthy parent’s routine, structure, and boundaries.
While the Disneyland mentality is exciting and fun for a while, it’s not sustainable and narcissistic parents will burn out - leaving the child to wonder what they’ve done wrong, or why the “love” is gone.
If you’re in the throes of the Disneyland dynamic, consider that your role is to support and love your child.
Share in their joy and delight;
Listen without judgment to their pain and sorrow if/when the abuser disappoints them;
Don’t “predict” that the fun is going to end - allow them to experience the ups and downs and learn for themselves what the abusive parent is truly like; you don’t need to prove anything.
If the child repeats the abuser’s attacks against you, respond simply, honestly, and with love. Here’s an example: Your child says, “Mom, you are so boring. You go to bed so early. Dad says you’ve never been any fun at all. I wish I could live with Dad all the time because we stay up til midnight every night.” You can respond with, “I’m glad you have a fun time at your dad's house. You’re right that I go to bed when my body is sleepy - and that’s before midnight most of the time! But I don’t think I’m boring. I think I’m fun and creative. And good sleep helps me be fun and creative.”
Should I Tell My Child the Truth About the Abuse - Or Just Let Them Believe the Narcissist’s Lies?
Rather than calling out the abuser’s lies and gaslighting, trust in patterns.
Kids are remarkably intuitive when it comes to patterns and consistency.
It may take some time, but as you consistently parent with empathy, boundaries, and unconditional love, your child will feel the emotional safety that your parenting style offers them.
Conversely, the lack of consistency, the conditional love, and the absence of structure and healthy boundaries they experience with the abuser will help them form their own understanding of reality.
The best thing that you can do as a parent in this scenario, is to keep empowering your child to trust their own inner voice, to stand in their truth, and to remember that they can come to you to talk about anything.
It can be deeply painful to leave the abuser for the sake of protecting your kids, only to feel that you’ve lost their love and respect in the process.
You’re not alone.
But hold onto hope. Have faith in your child’s ability to process information over long periods of time. And keep showing up with empathy, unconditional love, and healthy boundaries.
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Divorcing a narcissist? Welcome, you've come to the right place.
The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed. You can read more about me here.
