How to Heal From a Narcissist’s Gaslighting
It’s absolutely possible to heal from the devastating effects of gaslighting - learn how.
Over the near-decade I was with Seth, his gaslighting tactics truly drained me in so many ways. From losing my ability to trust my own memory to even doubting my competency to complete simple household tasks.
Seth, like most narcissists, is a master gaslighter. He defined my reality for me, and I lost myself, for a while, in the twisted and disempowering reality that he wanted me to live in with him.
My Brain Healed From The Effects of Gaslighting - Yours Can, Too!
Even though I was deeply, deeply affected, for a long time, by Seth’s insidious gaslighting, I want you to know that I have healed so much.
It’s taken time, intentional effort, a LOT of education, and consistent support, but I feel full of life again. I’m my old optimistic self, with new wisdom and compassion. I feel confident, competent, and capable. I can stand in my truth, even when I’m questioned or attacked.
And I want this kind of healing for you.
How Do I Know if I’m Stuck in The Abuser’s Gaslighting?
If you find yourself unable to feel confident in your truth - or even have a hard time discerning what the truth is - and that can look like:
Ruminating over things the abuser says or writes to you or the kids;
Going over past events to make sure that you’re not actually the abuser;
Deferring to other people’s interpretation or memory of events because you don’t trust yourself;
Avoiding confrontations or boundaries because you don’t feel that you can defend yourself without caving to another’s definition of reality;
Feeling crazy, and asking other people to validate that you are not, in fact, crazy.
- Then I have so much hope for you - because while psychological abuse and gaslighting are horrific, the effects don’t have to be permanent.
I’m Ready to Begin Healing - How Do I Start?
For me, my healing began when I started to become educated about narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, and complex trauma.
Here is a list of resources that I recommend.
Every time I read a book, listen to a podcast, or even talk with another survivor, I feel my brain heal a little more. Just being able to identify gaslighting and other abuse tactics has been radically healing for me. Simple google search of, "Dr. Ramani" and "gaslighting," will deliver a wealth of information and education.
I also regularly take time to intentionally determine my own truths. This can feel very foreign if you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse. Journaling is a fantastic source of healing and empowerment with prompts like:
What happened?
What is the abuser’s narrative?
Which gaslighting tactics are they using to try to get me to adopt their narratives?
How will I stand in my truth? (IE, call on my support network, set a boundary, book a therapy session).
A good first step to learning how to define your truths, is implementing a GAF-System (or something like it). Letting go of others’ opinions was a catalyst for my own healing. Wondering what a GAF system is and what it looks like?
GAF= Give a F (fudge, flip, floral… or insert your own F-word).
The first tier of people, I can count on my right hand…those are my people and included in that number is my husband, and my two daughters. I care deeply about how they feel about me. I am not perfect, but I care the most about how I show up for them. Their opinions matter above all.
The second tier of people, I can count on my left hand. They may not be family, but I care deeply about what they think, how they feel - and about how I show up for them.
Everything outside of this is just noise. I have learned who’s opinions I care about… and the rest? It’s truly not my business what they think about me. I truly don’t care.
Here is a great article I came across on the topic of healing from gaslighting: 6 Unexpected Ways I’ve Healed From Gaslighting Abuse and Learned to Trust Myself Again
And finally, a very grounding technique that has helped me immensely in my journey to heal from gaslighting, is “getting back to the basics.”
Here’s an example: Let’s say that the abuser writes me a message, accusing me of the predictable and debunked theory of “parental alienation.”
The Tina from many years ago would take this to heart and truly consider - am I trying to use my power to hurt him and the girls? Am I guilty of parental alienation? And then I’d spin into a vortex of confusion and self-hatred, using all of my brain power to decide if I’m a good person or a bad person.
Getting back to basics can help you get to the point where you don’t GAF. To “Get back to the basics” here would mean that I use my Narc Decoder to determine what the abuser is actually communicating (so that I’m staying in reality), and then offering myself compassion + truth:
“Tina, you know your own heart. You have never, ever tried to punish or harm Seth. You love your daughters more than anything, and wish with all your soul Seth was safe enough to spend more time with them. This situation is not of your making, even though Seth would like you to believe it is. Your most basic truth here is that you are a good person and a good mother. It’s time to stop thinking about this message, and be present with your daughters.”
Healing Takes Time - Offer Yourself Compassion
Please remember that for so many of us, the gaslighting and conditioning lasted for years (and continues post-separation). Please have immense compassion for yourself as you work to heal. And it is work.
You’re not alone, and your commitment to healing and standing in your truth is just another testament of the amazing parent you are.
###
The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
