Divorcing a Narcissist: What Really Matters?
If we could travel back in time to December 24, 2009, I would have convinced you that my daughters were being irreparably scarred. I was not being dramatic or overly emotional. I truly believed that the trauma was destroying my little girls. My ex-husband saw them as possessions and pawns – he used them to inflict pain on me and we were constantly under attack.
On Christmas Eve 2009, I had no money and mom-guilt was threatening to destroy me. I continued to reflect back on Christmas just one year prior; a huge house, a huge Christmas tree and so many presents that we had to divide gift opening into two shifts. Our lives had changed so drastically in such a short period of time and it was overwhelming to process it all.
Feeling sad, broken and overwhelmed, I came up with a spur of the moment idea: we would spend the day window shopping in Cambria, California which is a cute little town 45-minutes north of me. We hopped into my car and headed up the coast. First stop, hot chocolate which was a huge hit with the girls (ages 2 and 4). We spent the next few hours walking through the little village shops and it felt magical…until lunchtime rolled around.
We found our favorite restaurant in Cambria: Linn’s. I ordered the girls lunch and said I wasn’t hungry. I ordered a cup of coffee and nibbled on the girls’ French fries. It was at this lunch that we vowed to make this fun adventure into our new tradition: spending Christmas Eve exploring a new town each year. We spent the rest of the afternoon exploring the shops, the beach and the impressive elephant seals.
Behind the scenes, I was a mess. I did not eat lunch because of stress and because I couldn’t afford anything on the adult menu. In this sweet picture that a waiter took, I weighed 112lbs which was my weight at 18-years old. I had a hard time eating and keeping food down. I put on my brave face for my daughters and I made a conscious decision to be in the moment with them that day – not on the ‘Could Of’ or ‘Should Have’ Path and not on the ‘What If’ Path. I stayed on the Present Moment Path and savored every second of our adventure.
Reflecting back, I realize that I didn’t give myself enough credit: the power of a mother’s love (or father’s love) can right the wrongs and make all the difference. My goal was to shelter my daughters from adult issues whenever it was within my control and to love them extra hard when they faced things that were beyond my control.
On Christmas day (this year), our Cambria adventure came up as it always does and the girls (at 13 and 15) have no knowledge or recollection that we were struggling or that I couldn’t buy myself lunch that day. They remember the hot cocoa, eating grilled cheese sandwiches at Linn’s, the magic of the Christmas decorations and seeing the elephant seals. They remember the fun and the giggles –they remember the love and the light. The love and the light trump the darkness and darkness cannot exist when light it present.
To the momma who may be struggling to keep it all together: I see you. Staying present is more important than giving presents. Keep making memories, giggles, hot cocoa and most important, keep making LIGHT. These are the things that will shape your children. These are the things that they will remember. Love, Tina
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