Hope vs Hopelessness when Divorcing a Narcissist
In case you are not signed up for my e-newsletters, Lemonade Wisdom, I wanted to share one that may hit home for many.
WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW? Hope is to view the future in a positive light. It is seeing opportunities in challenges. Simply said, it is seeing the world with an optimistic mindset even when events are challenging or negative.
Sitting on the opposite side of hope is hopelessness. Believe me, there were MANY times in my child custody battle that I teetered dangerously on the edge of hopelessness. If you are teetering there right now, I get it. During the times I felt twinges of hopelessness, my children suffered. I was not fully present and because they were on their own rollercoaster, they needed me to be fully present more than ever.
In those difficult, early days, I wish I would have understood the power I held when it came to being their rock. Many days, I was flooded and consumed with worry that they would be irreparably harmed by the system failures. When my thoughts were focused on the worst case scenario, I was sinking deeper into hopelessness.
I have shared this with many of you, but I believe it to be a powerful descriptor of the effects of this battle: when I look back at old photos, there are times I barely remember the event that was captured by that photograph. I know I was there physically because I was either in the photo or, I took the photo, but I wasn’t “really” there. Mentally, I was a million miles away, traveling on the roads titled, “What If” and “Woulda, Coulda and Shoulda.” As I often talk about; these paths lead nowhere healthy or productive.
During my custody battle, I spent a lot of time consumed by debilitating thoughts. In my mind, the sky was falling. As I reflect back on the toll it took on me, my family and my health, I wish I could have grabbed myself by the shoulders and shook myself until my teeth rattled! I would have said: “Listen to me, Tina! Choose faith and cling to hope, these two things are your lifeline right now. You must have faith that everything will be okay in the end and, hope is the little flickering light that you need when the darkness feels all consuming.”
For me, there were several steps to getting into a more hopeful mindset and the big one was radical acceptance – it doesn’t mean that I agree with the situation or circumstances. It means I stop fighting reality which allows me to move towards a strategy mindset. Strategy in child custody is everchanging and fluid but it is in this space that hope is easier to grasp because our brains are not in a state of fight or flight.
As always, Dr. Ramani does a fantastic job of explaining radical acceptance if this is a new concept for you. Click here to watch.
As always, I am cheering you (and your children) on.
Love, Tina
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