Covid is the New Weapon for Narcissists

Covid is the Newest Weapon for Narcissists and Abusers

Just when we thought we had the post-separation abuse wheel complete, Covid-19 struck giving abusers yet another weapon to torment and terrorize their victims.  

I have sat back in horror over the past nine months watching this nightmare unfold. I have received hundreds of emails and messages from protective parents expressing emotions ranging from frustration to paralyzing anxiety. COVID-19 is the perfect storm in what we already describe as a Category Five Divorce Hurricane.

Back in March, I saw the beginning rumblings of this madness with the closures of the courts and family court professionals making determinations on what they consider to be emergent. Their scale has always been skewed but this was unlike anything we’d seen before. Emergency motions were being denied and the result was children being placed in danger. Hearings and trials that had been on calendar for months were postponed or bumped due to court closures. Absolute chaos in an already stressful arena.  

Spring Break

Then came the issues with spring break. I cringed when I saw schools labeling their closures as “extended spring breaks” because I could predict what would happen. The high-conflict individuals who had the children for spring break in 2020 would keep the children and not return them and, that is exactly what happened. Some of these children were very young and already facing long spans of time away from their primary parent. I have encountered stories of very young children kept under the guise of “extended spring break” for a month or more. This was trauma unfolding right before our eyes and damage control is still in process.

The Financial Victim Cards

We all know two things to be true about the narcissist: finances are their biggest button and they hold a strong hand of victim cards. Just when we thought things couldn’t get worse, the courts began giving out victim cards and granting financial reprieve whether it was warranted or not. If the narcissist screams Covid-related financial devastation from the third-floor balcony of their mega mansion, the courts were buying into it. Meanwhile, their victims face true financial devastation with no support or acknowledgement from the family court system.

Distance Learning

In the next phase of the Covid nightmare, we saw the issues emerging with distance learning. The narcissist’s who had never once cared about being involved with schoolwork saw this as an open invitation to create havoc. Many were insisting on extended visitation and using a more relaxed, virtual school experience as their justification only to create academic chaos and set-backs during an already strenuous time.

Summer Vacation

Then we saw the issues emerging with summer vacations. If the narcissist knows that you have underlying health issues or that Covid is a personal concern of yours, you can count on your mask-less children being galivanted all over the country with zero safety precautions in place. To add insult to injury, you will probably find photos of said excursions plastered all over social media. Taunting you with the threat of Covid has become the favorite pastime or the narcissist.  

Back-to-School

August and September brought the back-to-school nightmare. If you want your child to continue in distance learning, you can be assured that the narcissist will fight tooth and nail to ensure that the child is not only in school but also enrolled in sports and afterschool activities. If you prefer in-person learning over distance learning, the narcissist will insist on personally homeschooling the children while using the opportunity to make you look like a horrible parent for even considering exposing the child to the virus. You just can’t win and for the narcissist, it’s about control, hurting you and winning. The combo of the school year and the pandemic becomes the new weapon of abuse for the narcissist.

Does it Matter

Does any of it matter to the courts? Like with everything else, it comes down to the judge. This is where no one can deny that personal biases are making their way into courtrooms all around the world. We’ve seen judges come down hard on those who are unnecessarily (and purposefully) exposing the children and we are seeing judges who come down hard on the concerned parent who is attempting to bring their concerns into the courtroom.

The Holidays

Finally, we have the holidays to add to the Covid-19 rollercoaster. More time with the narcissist due to holiday schedules, more travel, more exposure and more post-separation abuse. In addition, the narcissist is spiraling because of the holidays so it’s about as bad as it can possibly get.

To those of you currently dealing with this nightmare, my heart goes out to you. I am sorry that the narcissist has a new weapon. I am sorry that you (and your children) continue to be failed by the family court system. Please know that you are not alone, even if it feels as though you are. Please connect with those who are also in the trenches because this is an isolating journey but you don’t have to do this alone.

Here are a few ways to connect with others who get it:

·       One Mom’s Battle Facebook Community

·       One Mom’s Battle State Chapters

·       The Lemonade Club (private forum)

·       Coffee with Tina LIVE on YouTube every Friday at 7am Pacific

Covid-19 Experiences from the Battlefield - all true to narcisstic fashion (stories shared anonymously from others about their experiences):

“Doesn’t allow you to take your kids to the store (or anywhere but home) due to Covid but takes them to Universal Studios for Christmas break…”

“My ex took my kid bowling, to three restaurants, and to visit the grandparents the weekend in march that everything was shutting down and they were recommending people stay home. then a week later (apparently he had had his come-to-jesus moment) he texted me in a panic that covid is REAL and SCARY and condescendingly telling me what i should be doing to keep our son safe. (even asked me to reply that i understood, like i'm a child.) of course we had already stopped in-person counseling and travel-planning and social activities, but that didn't stop him from mansplaining the whole virus to me. (and of course he still takes him all over the damn place, crowded restaurants, festivals, malls, etc. those rules only apply to me.)

“When I wanted to travel (driving) with my kids during covid, my ex literally said “Every intelligent person has cancelled their travel plans!” (due to covid) and now a few months later he is planning a luxury ski vacation with the kids and flying first class.”

“My ex sent me a message via family wizard informing me that since spring break was extending he would be keeping our child until school restarted. Even though are district never stated the words extended Spring Break. Of course after I sent him a message telling him that was not in our orders and to try me he returned her on time. The school year never went back to on campus. Funniest part is my ex is an attorney! He 100% knows better but can’t help himself. We have had 2 custody battles in 4 years. He’s lost both. Thanks to your page and my parenting he will never win.”

“I find he uses health information to control. For example, not sharing information about a child being sick, before returning them to my parenting time. So I receive a sick child and need to stay home with them, but have no warning.”

“Left both children full time here during pandemic for several weeks and then said I owed that “parenting time back.””

“I left my narcissist shortly after the pandemic started. He used the pandemic as just another means for power and control (cant go anywhere, can't see anyone, why even face time if you can't hang out? And more.) He spiraled into massive verbal attacks about any "risky" behavior i was participating in (grocery shopping once a week with a mask on, taking a walk with a female friend who was also wearing her mask and diligently social distancing) it got to the point where I would leave just to go for a drive because I needed to be away from him and he stopped that with massive fights about conserving gas in case there was a fuel shortage. Controlling dinner options in case there were food shortages. All the while, he came and went freely, claimed medical necessity to not wear a mask (asthma) and was not cautious at all. So, I left. I am so happy that I did. We co parent now and he still uses the pandemic to try to control me, instigate fights, control the parenting schedule, etc.”