The Narcissist and The Holidays
Is your seatbelt fastened? The Christmas season is the granddaddy of all triggers for the narcissist. The narcissist spirals like crazy during the holidays and it can feel like a full moon every day.
I am here to tell you that you are NOT crazy and you are not imagining this; the holidays bring out the worst in the already horrible narcissist.
As soon as holiday décor (hello autumn!) starts going up, the narcissist begins to escalate. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, this may manifest as increased manipulation, gaslighting, triangulation, hoovering, love bombing or creating conflict depending on where you are in the narcissistic cycle of abuse.
If you are caught in the post-separation abuse cycle, you are likely experiencing chaos, manipulation, conflict and increased tension just to name a few. Regardless of it you are in a relationship with a narcissist or if those days are in your rearview mirror, the narcissist’s crazy-making behavior during the holidays can take a toll.
First, you may be wondering, why? Why does the narcissist spiral amidst holiday cheer and festivities?
Here is a question - When it comes to the holidays, what does the media try to sell us on? A few things that come to mind (for me) are togetherness, caring, love, joy, happiness, connection and the warm fuzzies.
The answer is simple: they spiral because of holiday cheer and festivities.
A housekeeping item to unpack before we go any further: people believe the narcissist to be a complex, mysterious creature but they are in fact quite the opposite. The narcissist is a pretty simple, fragile, broken species with the emotional intelligence of a five-year old child. If you really scrub it down, they are focused on themselves and truly unable to connect with others on a deep, authentic level. They lack the ability to love or be loved the way a healthy person can experience love.
The bow on top is that they know they are different. The holidays are a painful reminder for the narcissist: they are different and, they are hit with this reminder from every direction. Every television commercial showcases people sitting in front of the fire sipping hot cocoa, snuggling and connecting, ice skating and being in love. Then you have the Christmas movies with the happy, joy filled children opening gifts and being filled with the holiday spirit.
All of these things are nauseating to the narcissist. Yet another reminder that they are incapable of connecting, bonding and loving. They are filled with envy and hatred. The holiday season threatens them on every level and brings deep-seated pain. Their only escape is to lash out in contempt and rage. Inflicting pain and chaos releases the pressure that is building inside of them.
Enough about the narcissist – I share these things because I feel it’s important for us to understand the narcissist because it helps to make sense of the non-sense and the chaos. It helps us to stay two steps ahead and to operate strategically.
The important question: how are you coping?
Those of you in custody battles have double-trouble: the effects of a global pandemic on an already broken court system which is absolutely trickling into judgments and decisions handed down. I hope you are turning the oxygen levels up higher than normal on your oxygen masks.
I want you to know that I see you and I hear you – and my heart and prayers are with you.
I remember it all too well. The pressures of the holidays. The pressure to gift your children with holiday magic when you are feeling less-than-magical. Maybe the narcissist likes to “one up you” in the gift-giving category – heck, I remember not being able to afford a tree let alone gifts. I remember the stress and the overwhelm like it was yesterday.
Let me tell you a few things I learned:
My children could not tell you which years they celebrated Christmas on December 25th or 28th – they remember the memories that we created, not the dates.
My children remember the tiny ornaments that we made out of clay one year –they have no idea that we did that because the narcissist stole all of my Christmas ornaments and I couldn’t afford to buy new ones.
My children remember the new memories that we created – for example, finding a new (nearby) town to explore every Christmas Eve. They remember the magic of discovering new things and getting hot chocolate and cookies. They have no idea that I started this tradition because I was hoping to instill in them the importance of experiences over material items.
Tips for surviving the holidays with the narcissist:
Know your truth: the narcissist’s attacks don’t sting if they don’t stick. Consider the source and stand on a firm foundation of your truth.
Be present: stay in the present moment and not the past or the future. Have a goal of compartmentalizing the narcissist this holiday season (your therapist will be there to help you unpack it in the safety of his/her (Zoom) office when you are ready. Don’t give the narcissist your power and if you do, bring yourself back on track and back to the here and now. And maybe your therapist should be on speed dial during the holidays - there is no shame in this. I've been in this spot also!
Managing expectations: if you are expecting the narcissist to behave like a healthy adult, we need to go back to the drawing board. The narcissist is not a healthy adult. They are not capable of putting the children first and they oscillate from being in competition with the children to using them as pawns or weapons.
I close in gratitude – I am thankful for the opportunity to share my insight.
I will never claim to have all of the answers but, if I can help you make sense of the insanity that I remember all too well, mission accomplished.
Happy holidays and happy December to you!
PS This went out in my weekly e-newsletter - are you signed up to receive it? If not, sign up here so you don’t miss out.
Love, Tina
