3 Things I Learned From Divorcing a Narcissist

Divorcing a narcissist is one of the most stressful experiences a person can endure. But there are powerful lessons to be learned in the midst of the chaos.

Divorcing a Narcissist Taught Me to Live in the Present

It’s so easy to spend precious time and mental space trying to figure out why the narcissist did what they did, what they’re going to do next, and how you’ll respond to what you think they may do.

The entire relationship from start to finish was a giant mind F - it is natural that we want to go back and revisit things, and replay each step over and over. It is a vortex that will suck you down, chew you up and spit you out. I believe there is a time and place to go into the vortex but for me, it was important to compartmentalize and confine that to my therapist’s couch. Doing this allowed me to leave it there when I was finished and revisit it in a safe place. It's not going anywhere, I promise.

There was a point in my custody battle when I consciously chose to relinquish my mind’s need to “figure it all out” and simply enjoy my time with my loved ones. 

It was NOT easy. It still isn’t easy! I find myself ruminating on current cases that keep me up at night - but I try to always go back to this important lesson. The present is all we have, and it could be taken from us at any moment. In this work, we tragically know this all too well.

It’s a courageous choice to live in the present - but it has enriched my life and I’m grateful.

Divorcing a Narcissist Taught Me to “Love Well”

In the early days of my custody battle, I would write out my frustrations at Seth’s narcissistic parenting. 

It was so difficult to watch him squander his time with my daughters or deliberately ignore their preferences and needs. It was painful to see them put in dangerous situations time and time again. There was so much out of my control.

But in all of the turmoil, I realized that when it comes to my closest relationships, I want to be a person who “loves well”.

I want to offer my loved ones my full attention, fierce protection, advocacy, and affection. I want my loved ones to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love them with all of my loyalty and admiration. 

As a result of my relationship with a narcissist, I have a deep gratitude and appreciation for the healthy relationships in my life.

I want the people in my life to "feel” my love at their core. I am not perfect, I am a work in progress but aren't we all?

Divorcing a Narcissist Taught Me My “Why?”

Many people go through life trying to figure out their purpose, their “why” and I can say that divorcing a narcissist made my "why" crystal clear. I don't believe that all pain has purpose but in my situation, I do believe that there was purpose to my journey.

I remember feeling so alone and so isolated - no one was talking about these things back in 2009 (when I started my family court journey). You could hear online crickets chirping. I started my blog and as it gained traction, I recognized that this wasn't “just” an online community: it was a family of survivors. The OMB community changed my life and I know it's a lifeline for many who follow in my footsteps. I do not take this lightly and as difficult and dark as it has felt over the years… I am absolutely grateful to be the person that I desperately needed in those early days.

Maybe you will be the one to give someone a hand up when they are struggling, maybe your current experience will be someone else's light. Regardless of how dark things feel for you right now, seek those who are holding the light, those who have walked this path and those who can give you a hand up. If you are feeling isolated in this journey, connect with our OMB community at www.ombchapters.com or reach out to one of the coach graduates from my training program at “Find a Divorce Coach.”

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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.

About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.