“Why Didn’t She Leave?”

"Go ahead, leave. But if you do you will never see him again." (in reference to her infant son.)

People ask why she stayed? She stayed because of threats like this. When someone has taken over your life - every aspect of your life and then they make a threat like this. You believe them.

The abuser doesn't show up on the first date or the fifth date and abuse you. They charm you. They become your band-aid for past hurts and pains. They do a mental download - they scan you and learn everything they can. In the beginning, you think its because they care. It's not because they care, it's because they seek leverage over you. They want to know how to crush you.

It's slow and methodical. Before you know it, you are deep in a fog. By the time you realize that you are in a fog, it's too late. You can no longer see land. You lose your bearings. You are isolated and unable to articulate what is happening. You begin to doubt yourself and you realize that you have lost your power. Your power is in the hands of your abuser. Now, he's making a threat about the only thing that matters to you: your child.

This is post separation abuse.

I wrote something that I hope every judge in America will read:

“I understand that you are frustrated by what you deem a “high-conflict” case. Please know that it only takes one person to create a high-conflict situation- I am not creating conflict. I just want peace but, I also want to protect my children.

The person I fell in love with was a façade – a con artist. The person I fell in love never existed. The person whom I fell in love with no longer fools me - now he is fooling you.

You see, an abuser does not show up on the first date and verbally degrade you. An abuser does not begin to psychologically abuse you during your courtship. If they do, it is so subtle that you would not consider it to be abuse. The abuser is very calculated, they wait until they have you in their clutches before they start to take the mask off and their true colors show.

In my situation, and for many others, I did not see behind the mask until I was completely trapped. I was isolated, dependent and in a fog that is hard for anyone to understand - unless they’ve personally been caught in the cycle of domestic violence.

So, if you want to blame me for my role in the high-conflict divorce or custody battle, I will stand before you and take ownership. I will take ownership for seeing the best in people. I will take ownership for being optimistic and hopeful. I will take ownership for being forgiving and golden-hearted. I will take ownership for wanting to live happily ever after and for wanting to be loved and cherished. While I am guilty of all of those things, please know that I did not sign up to be abused in my relationship, in my marriage, in my divorce or in the family court system.

While my problem may not be your problem to fix, I respectfully ask that you protect my children. I ask you to put their well-being and safety at the forefront of your decisions. When you reflect back on the oath you took, please keep my children in mind.” - Tina Swithin