Trigger Word: Alienation
I don't know that I've ever written something that comes with so many disclaimers, but I feel it is warranted when we are discussing the topic of alienation because it’s a doozy of a topic for me and for so many others:
DISCLAIMERS
1. I absolutely validate and agree that narcissists will attempt to turn children against the healthy parent and, they are sometimes successful in doing so. If this describes your current reality, please know that I see you, I hear you and I validate you -- wherever you are right now.
2. I absolutely understand that when you finally find a word that explains what you are going through, you desperately cling to it, finally feeling validated and understood. I equate this to how I felt when my therapist said those three little words (narcissistic personality disorder) that allowed me to make sense of the previous eight years of my life. I know how powerful this was for me and, I immediately did a deep dive into understanding the world of NPD. I get it, I do.
3. If you are a dad reading this, please know that I am not anti-man. I was raised by my father (I am grateful for that) and I am married to a wonderful man who is a father to my daughters but also to his three sons (my stepsons). What I am strongly against is the "father's rights" movement but, I also have issues with the mother's rights movement. There are unhealthy people on both sides and when we make this a gender issue, it muddies the water. It creates division. I am a firm believer that a person is not entitled to "rights" just because they have the ability to procreate. A child's right to be safe, healthy and happy should trump parental rights - regardless of whether you are a father or a mother.
MY PLEA TO YOU
Please stop using the word “alienation” and all of the repackaged terminology such as parental alienation syndrome, parental alienation, gatekeeping, enmeshment, unhealthy attachment, parental triangulation, toxic parenting, and most recently, resist-refuse dynamic. No matter what you call it, it has the same roots (ties to pedophilia) and claims of alienation is the weapon of the abuser.
Why does it matter? This word (and this movement) is the single worst thing to happen to DV victims and survivors. This word is the Father’s Rights movement and when you use this word, you are playing into the hands of the enemy – you are validating and strengthening their movement. You are propelling this disturbing movement forward and you are setting family court advocates (myself included) back lightyears. You are unraveling the work we are doing. You are assuming position in enemy territory. This is very much a war between good and evil and only you get to decide where you stand.
If you haven’t guessed by now, I have strong opinions on this topic. It is personal for me – not only because of my own battle (I personally faced alienation allegations and I am lucky to still have my children) but because I’ve been entrenched in the alienation movement for a very long time. I hear the horrors of the reunification camps, I console the parents who have been defeated by this movement, I’ve listened to the guttural screams of the children being taken from courthouses to reunification camps.
Drawing a line: We can disagree about what to order on our pizza but I feel so strongly about this movement being detrimental to both survivors and children that I have to draw a strong line as I shift my focus into advocacy work.
WHEN YOUR CHILD HAS BEEN TURNED AGAINST YOU: WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?
Memory Lane: I remember when I heard those life-changing words, “narcissistic personality disorder” and read the definition, it was almost as if a million lightbulbs turned on (my brain felt like the Las Vegas strip being turned on after a major power outage), bells and whistles began sounding and everything suddenly made sense. I imagine this is what it must be like when someone’s child has been turned against them and they first read about “alienation.”
I can put myself in their shoes. I imagine this person feels validated and understood. I imagine that everything finally makes sense. I imagine this person feels seen and heard by others in the “alienation” groups. I have a tremendous amount of compassion for this person – they are living an absolute nightmare.
Sadly, the “alienation division” that is happening in the DV world is exactly what the enemy wants to accomplish. The survivor community is not as powerful as it could be because of this division. I acknowledge that my stance over the years has been to publicly proclaim alienation as “junk science” – and that can feel hurtful and offensive to those who don’t understand why I am so passionate about this topic. I know that I can do better to meet people in the middle and be more compassionate in my approach.
If the narcissist is trying to turn your children against you or, if they have been successful in their attempts, I stand with you. I want to give you words of encouragement: I see these stories unfold and I see the children come back to the healthy parent. It plays out in a variety of ways depending on the intricacies of your situation. Many times, when the court battle ends and the feed source (you or the court process) is cut off, reality sets in and these toxic, narcissistic individuals are not capable of truly parenting. In other words, their mask begins to drop with the children. They can’t keep up the “love bombing” (of the children) and they fall into the same narcissistic cycle of abuse that is familiar to us as survivors. I encourage you to keep your tank full, practice self-care and continue to let your child(ren) know that you love them unconditionally – and that you are there for them…always. Your bond with them was established on ‘day one’ of their lives – it is authentic and sustainable. They will come back.
I also encourage you to stop focusing on labels – please don’t provide validation to this terrifying movement. Instead, focus on showing patterns of behaviors – if you absolutely MUST have a term, please use Domestic Violence by Proxy. An example of a “pattern of behavior” would be badmouthing or bashing you to the child, placing the child in the middle of adult situations, placing emotional burdens or responsibility on the child. Back each of these up with solid examples but please don’t say, “I am being alienated.”
As I previously shared, as clear as a bright, sun-shiny day, I remember the validation and “ah-ha” moments that came along with being “woke” to the fact that my ex-husband was a narcissist. I wanted to scream from the rooftops, “Hey you, over there! I was married to a NARCISSIST and that’s why my divorce has turned into a category 5, divorce hurricane!”
In that moment of validation bliss, had someone said, “Sit down…I’d like to share why you should never use that label, I would have felt as though the rug had been pulled out from underneath me BUT I would have listened intently. If someone would have shared that the word “narcissist” had origins that were tied to pedophilia and that the present-day movement was the very patriarchy that I desire to dismantle, I would have said, “peace out, NPD,” and I would have never uttered that word again. I would actually be angry to know that I had been baited to walk into enemy territory and strategically pitted against the very people who were fighting for me…and for my children.
To those who's children have successfully been turned against them, I have room at my table for you - I want us to work together to fight this broken system and to raise awareness on the lengths these toxic individuals will go to in an effort to maintain power and control. I just ask that you promise to never use this word again in a way that validates and gives power to the very people that you are fighting against.
If you are interested in reading more on the history of alienation or the equally disturbing present day movement, I encourage you to do so. If you haven't watched "Allen v. Farrow," I highly recommend it.
