When Narcissistic Abuse Makes the Holidays Triggering
If you’re like many victim-survivors of narcissistic abuse, the holiday season can be a triggering time.
We know that narcissistic abusers amp up during the holiday season for a variety of reasons - and unfortunately, this often embeds deep triggers in victim-survivors.
For many of us the smells, sounds, and colors of the holiday season can trigger painful, traumatic memories of the abuser’s cruelest moments. Additionally, the added pressure to tend to our children’s emotional needs can lead to burnout and emotional exhaustion.
Learning How to Cope With Trauma During the Holidays
It’s important to learn how to offer yourself radical compassion and leeway during triggering times of the year.
This means that while, culturally, we are conditioned to expect more out of ourselves during the holidays, we may have to intentionally steer ourselves in a different direction.
How Do I Care For Myself When There is SO MUCH PRESSURE to Do More During the Holiday Season?
There is already a lot of pressure on protective parents to be constantly present, emotionally healthy, and fully on top of everything that comes with a high conflict custody battle (documentation, strategic communication with the abuser, gathering of documents in a timely manner for attorneys, etc).
Here at OMB, we highly recommend:
Saying “no” as often as you possibly can to calls to volunteer at schools, PTO events, church events, etc. Let's normalize saying no. If you struggle with saying no, I recently listened to a two-part series from Glennon Doyle's podcast, We Can Do Hard Things which you may find to be very helpful: How to Say No and The Power of No to Protect Your Peace. This is a topic we need to be talking about and I am so grateful for the nuggets of wisdom shared in these conversations.
Disregarding actual holiday dates and giving yourself and your children permission to celebrate holidays according to what dates work best with your visitation schedule and your family’s unique needs.
Intentionally choosing to care for yourself if/when your children are with the other parent - prioritizing medical and mental health care so that your most basic self-care needs are being met during such a challenging time of the year.
Prioritizing healthy sleep - this may mean giving yourself permission to miss out on late night holiday events.
Letting go of any traditions that require too much energy, time, or money, or that trigger painful memories - and making the courageous choice to create new traditions that work for your family.
Committing to basic, daily self-care rituals, like drinking water, resting, and eating.
When The Holiday Triggers Are Just Too Much - Remember This
Of course, we recognize that self-care in the face of absolute burn-out and overwhelm is much easier said than done.
If you find yourself triggered and in trauma during the holidays, unable to care for yourself and just barely pulling it together for your kids, please know that you’re not alone. Learning how to cope with the long-lasting effects of narcissistic abuse and the resulting triggers is a long process, and a big part of that process is having patience with yourself.
This is a non-judgmental community, where we truly understand how difficult it is to turn off your brain, commit to self-care, and consistently show up for yourself - so if it’s taking you some time to develop habits to care for yourself, please know that you’re normal. And if you keep at it, you will see progress.
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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
