Practicing Gratitude When Everything Feels Hopeless in Your High Conflict Custody Battle
The practice of gratitude got me through some of the most difficult times of my life.
If you’ve been in this community long, you know that we are all about taking off the rose-colored glasses and seeing through the lens of reality.
But when reality is dark, corrupt, and traumatizing, is it even possible to practice gratitude? And why would you want to?
Why Practice Gratitude in a High Conflict Custody Battle?
The practice of gratitude has been transformative for me personally throughout my divorce and custody battle. The dark abyss of the family court system often felt so overwhelmingly heavy that I had to dig deep within myself to find tools that pulled forward my resilience and strength on days when I truly felt depleted.
How? How Can I Be Grateful When I’m Divorcing a Narcissist?
I realize how trite and even offensive it can be to suggest that a traumatized person facing the realities of divorcing a narcissist, practice gratitude.
Here are some bite-sized recommendations for how to begin dipping your toes in the practice. Practicing gratitude does not mean that we are ignoring truth or bypassing the difficult work of trauma recovery. It just means that we are training our brains to stay in a more healthy and hopeful space, so that we can face our battle with every possible strategic tool for success.
Here’s how I did it:
Celebrate the smallest of small victories - this helps you train your brain to focus on the positives. And while this doesn’t change reality, it does change your capacity to deal with really, really hard things.
Try to consistently journal the “gifts” in your life (gratitude journaling) - and these can be the simplest of gifts - oxygen, trees, coffee, clean water. Perhaps as you observe this practice, you’ll begin to notice more “gifts” - kindness from strangers, moments of pleasure or peace, victories in and out of the courtroom.
Work toward practicing radical self-care in other areas of your life - this will strengthen your ability to practice thankfulness, and practicing thankfulness will increase your capacity for self-care and self-love.
If you’re in a space where gratitude feels wrong - perhaps your children are suffering so acutely that to journal about the sun in your notebook truly feels like a slap in the face to their trauma - just know that you’re not alone. There are many mental roadblocks that we all face as we come to terms with the reality of divorcing a narcissist. One of the most painful is that we show up for our children best when we are caring for ourselves - and for me, practicing gratitude helped me show up for myself.
But if you’re not there, that’s okay. Nothing about this journey is easy. So take a deep breath, and know that in the meantime, we at OMB are grateful for you. That you’re here. That you’re still going. That you’re seeking help and community. Keep going, keep trying. You’re not alone.
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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
