The Tango of the Family Court System
Let’s discuss the phrase “it takes two to tango” in the context of a high conflict divorce.
Too often, I hear of victim-survivors on the battlefield hearing some variation of the blaming/shaming phrase, “It takes two to tango” - meaning that the high conflict divorce or custody battle is the shared responsibility of both parties. That two conflictual people are perpetuating the cycle of contention and conflict and that if one simply decided to calm down and be reasonable, the divorce or custody battle could be resolved.
High Conflict Individuals Thrive on Conflict & Chaos
Here’s the truth. Sure, it takes two to tango - but it’s not a beautiful, synced tango with two people who genuinely want to be dancing. It’s a forced tango - one person loving every second of it, and the other, a captive victim-survivor. The high conflict individual enjoys the chaos of it all - the power and control they experience as they drag the victim-survivor onto the dance floor and force them into a tragic and violent tango in front of court professionals, family, and friends, somehow convincing everyone that “it takes two”.
If You Can Relate, Here’s My Advice
If you’re an unwilling partner in a tumultuous tango on the battlefield, here is what I have to say to you. Stand in your truth. Others may not understand that you are being dragged into the dance. They may not understand that to a certain extent, you have to show up and defend your children. And to untrained eyes, this looks like “it takes two.”
And many people will say hurtful things. Many folks will cast judgment. You may lose friends, you may feel that your reputation takes a hit.
You’re not alone.
Stand in your truth and know that you are NOT fueling this battle - you are simply showing up, again and again, to protect your children.
And if that looks like a willing tango, so be it.
Because the trained eye - other protective parents - know the truth. And YOU know the truth. And that’s what matters.
One day, your children will know the truth.
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Divorcing a narcissist? Welcome, you've come to the right place.
The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed. You can read more about me here.
