My Recipe for Self-Love

by Tina Swithin

This is my recipe for self-love and while you don’t have to follow itexactly, you can think of it as a base recipe. Remove an ingredient if you’vemastered it or include an ingredient that you love, add a pinch of this and asprinkle of that. Find what works for your soul and adjust as needed:

1. Mindfulness: Being mindful or “in the moment.” This is easier said than done. I know. My practice of being mindful happened by accident and I’m glad it did! One day, a few years ago, I noticed a heart shape on a tree branch. I paused and just stood there absorbing its beauty. A few days later, I saw a heart-shaped rock as I was walking. I paused to pick it up and felt a twinge of gratitude for the subtle reminders from God. These “heart moments” began to occur more and more. I would see a heart-shaped cloud while walking my daughters to school or a heart-shaped tomato would greet me while grocery shopping. I found that the more I slowed down and absorbed the moment, more of these moments appeared. Now, I see hearts all day long. Being mindful and in the moment has been one of the biggest blessings of my life.
2. Gratitude: I remember hearing Oprah discuss gratitude journals many years ago. The practice of gratitude has carried me through the darkest times. I keep a running tally in my head all day and night of the things I am grateful for and at this point in my life and it has become a natural part of my day. During life storms, I have to force myself into this practice with a good old fashion pen and paper. There were times when all I could muster was, “I am thankful for the sun” or, “I am thankful for my next breath.” I have come to discover that it is during the life storms that you need gratitude the most.
3. Faith: I respect everyone’s different beliefs. As long as your beliefs do not harm other people, it’s fine in my book! By all accounts, I was also an atheist until the age of 34-years old. During my personal Category 5 Life Storm in 2009, I “accidentally” found God during an incredibly vivid dream. It wasn’t instant but once I took that first step, I felt as though something greater was guiding me on my path. Now, I feel as though I have an unexplainable connection to something so much larger than anything on Earth. I have an inner peace that I had never experienced before. I believe that each of us has a special gift in this life – there’s something in you that the world needs. Being connected to God (or the Universe) gives me a sense of purpose and direction. When I don’t understand why something is happening or when life seems really cruel and unfair, I step forward in my faith and I am comforted to know that I don’t need to have all the answers.
4. Self-care: As discussed earlier, this is an important one. Many of us are caretakers and we put the needs of others above our own needs. The more we show love to ourselves, the more we attract love to ourselves. Nourishing and replenishing your soul actually allows you to serve others in a deeper fashion because there is more “authentic you” to give. Those who understand the importance of self-care make healthier decisions when it comes to nutrition, rest, sabbaticals, boundaries and friendships.
5. Boundaries: These are a work in progress for many of us, myself included. Boundaries tie heavily into self-care but the importance of practicing healthy boundaries is crucial to a healthy life. You set boundaries because you value your mind, body and spirit. Those in your life who are healthy and loving will respect your boundaries without making you feel guilty or unloved. Check in with yourself often and listen to your inner wisdom when it comes to setting boundaries: are you being true to yourself?
6. Forgiveness: I am not going to insist that you forgive the Narcissist in your life, so please, keep reading. That is your personal decision and we each have our own path when it comes to forgiveness. We have been taught by virtually every religion under the sun that there is great power in forgiveness. Most studies on forgiveness tout the health benefits of forgiveness from both a mental and physical standpoint. The art of forgiveness is simply letting go of hostility or resentment for a perceived transgression. The act of forgiveness is usually preceded by an admission of wrongdoing or an acknowledgement of the offense and many times, a request for forgiveness. I have never struggled with forgiveness until I divorced a narcissist. A narcissist will never admit an indiscretion, nor are they capable of accepting responsibility, which leaves the offended party in an interesting predicament. I believe that the key to forgiveness is that the said offense is in the past. Anyone who has attempted to co-parent with a narcissist knows that the offenses repeat weekly and in many cases, involve the children. I have personally experienced the power of forgiveness but not in the way that you might expect. I have spent a great deal of time digging deep to understand why I fell prey to a narcissist in the first place. I owned my role in the equation and I acknowledged the yellow, orange and red flags that I chose to ignore during our courtship. I then extended an olive branch and forgave myself. The healing that I experienced from forgiving myself was incredibly powerful. My personal approach to forgiveness as it relates to my ex-husband involves acceptance, rather than forgiveness. I am attempting to shift my perception of the situation by showing empathy for the personality disorder in general. What is life without love and honest relationships? I accept that my ex-husband didn't choose to be narcissist. Acceptance does not mean that I forgive his behavior and the actions that cause damage to our children.                    
7. Releasing Guilt: When speaking to survivors of narcissistic abuse, I find a common thread. Guilt and shame seem to run rampant in this group. Many survivors feel shame that they had once been a victim because they associate the word, “victim” with the word, “weak.” They are often riddled with guilt for a variety of reasons but the ones I most often hear involve the future and finances, the extended family involvement in the chaos and most heartbreaking, the effects of the battle on the children. I encourage you to explore and hone in on the hot buttons for you when it comes to guilt and shame. I have encountered brilliant minds such as doctors, psychologists, attorneys, biologists and CEOs of large corporations who have all suffered from narcissistic abuse. I have assisted people from happy, intact homes and those from broken families. Until you know and understand NPD at an intimate level, no one is immune to this type of individual.        
8. Your Tribe: Surrounding yourself with healthy, loving friends and family members is a direct act of self-love. During dark times, it is natural to pull back from friends however, these are the times you need companionship even more. Being open and vulnerable can strengthen your bond with true friends. Be sure there is a give-and-take balance in your friendships, so they don’t feel like your dumping station. Life Storms sweep some friends away and bring others closer. I strongly believe that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It is important to stop and take inventory on a regular basis. When I reflect back on my early twenties, I was surrounded by unhealthy people. Some of these people were in my life due to guilt or obligation. I no longer operate from a place of guilt or obligation - just because I am related to someone by blood does not mean they are entitled to be a part of my inner circle. I have no room in my life for boundary violators, drama seekers or emotional vampires. I am one of the most opening, welcoming people that you will encounter but I have high personal standards when it comes to my tribe. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt but I watch for red flags in friendships just as I would do in a romantic relationship.
9. Living with Intention: We each have our own journey and while that may not be crystal clear to you right now, be open to the God Nudges and the signs along the way. When you are living with purpose, you are kinder to yourself which leads to acceptance and self-love. If your intention is to live a healthy life, you will make decisions that support this goal, you will celebrate your personal victories and you will feel good about yourself along the way. Begin to examine and establish your intentions even if they start out very small. Two years into my custody battle, I decided to start a blog to document my journey. One Mom’s Battle was born and in the beginning, my goal was to share my experience with friends and family. Aside from that, I made one intention crystal clear: if one person reads my blog and feels less alone in their journey, it will all be worth it. My intention was born from my own loneliness and despair. I wanted to save someone from feeling the way I was feeling. Little did I know that this one little intention was setting me on a path which would become my life mission and would give me a sense of purpose that I never believed possible. I am living with intention and I am fulfilled. While your own life purpose may not involve reaching people in the far corners of the world, it is equally important on a human level. Your intentions, no matter what they are, will lead you to your life mission. It may take 5 months or 5 years but that is irrelevant. Placing one foot on your path could be the start of something magical and life-altering. I believe there is something in YOU that the world needs.         
10. Needs versus Wants: This is where your inner voice becomes your all-knowing, healthy and responsible best friend that holds your best interest as a top priority. It is important to act on your needs rather than your wants. Self-love is to turn away from the quick fixes in life. Being self-aware and in tune with your needs versus your wants allows you to turn away from the things that may feel good or elicit excitement and run towards the things that help you feel strong, purpose-driven and centered. Staying focused on your needs allow you to break unhealthy patterns of behavior that keep you stuck in the past, cause trouble in your life or pull you off track.  

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"Plant your own garden anddecorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring youflowers." ~ Veronica Shoffstall