It Should Not Be This Difficult to Protect a Child
By Tina Swithin
I still rememberwalking through the doors of family court for the first time in August of 2009.To anyone on the outside, I looked like I had it all together. I was arespected and recognized member of my local business community, but moreimportantly, I was a mom. On the inside, I was shell-shocked, riddled withanxiety and out of my element. I clung to the words printed on my courtpaperwork, “In the best interest of the children.” Those words were playing inmy mind on a continuous loop. Those words gave me hope that no matter how direthings felt in the moment, my daughters would be safe and protected throughthis next chapter of our lives.
I had spent theprevious ten years collecting turkey dinners during the holidays for my localwomen’s shelter and now, I found myself tapping on their doors, desperate to belet into their safe house. This was by far the most humbling experience of mylife. Due to the financial abuse that had been in play for years, butintensified when court paperwork was filed, I found myself in pro per andattempting to make sense of the mountains of court documents that were requiredof me. I sat up late into the night at the women’s shelter with my laptopstrategically propped in the window ledge, as I desperately needed access tothe open Wi-Fi of a neighboring home. Just three weeks prior, I had beendriving a brand-new Mercedes, living in a gated community, and there I was,choking back tears in a dimly lit bedroom with my very young daughters sleepingin an unfamiliar bed just a few feet away.
I was devastated to discover very earlyinto my custody battle that parental rights carry more weight than children’srights. My path into the family court system included a two-day trial, overthirty court hearings and two full child custody evaluations. During this time,minor’s counsel was appointed, over twelve police reports were generated and atotal of three child welfare reports determined that my ex-husband was a“moderate risk,” yet the system did nothing to protect my children. I wasshocked to discover the hard way that an unfounded child welfare report isoften misinterpreted as an event that did not happen. More often than not, itmeans that the event did happen, but the child is now with the “safe parent.” In2019, after a ten-year family court battle, I was finally successful in my bidto protect my children.
Throughout my battle, I found myselfrepeatedly saying, “It should not be this difficult to protect children.” I have since dedicated my life to familycourt advocacy so that my daughters’ suffering was not in vain. In 2011, Ifounded a grassroots movement, One Mom’s Battle, which has expandedinternationally.
My custody battle was not about myex-husband’s love for our daughters, contrary to what he told the court. It wasabout winning, and his motivation was to hurt and control me. He lost powerover me when our marriage ended, so the children were his only weapons. Similarbehavior is evident in most high-conflict custody battles, but often, bothparents are unfairly grouped together in the “high-conflict” category.
What is thecommon denominator that we see in high-conflict custody battles? Often, oneparent has a diagnosed (or suspected) Cluster B personality disorder. The threedisorders that are most common are: Borderline Personality Disorder (morecommon with females than with males), Narcissistic and Antisocial PersonalityDisorders (more common in males than in females). With each of these three ClusterB disorders, there is a pronounced lack of empathy and a repeated testing oflaws, rules and personal boundaries. The high-conflict parent will purposefullybecome delinquent in child support to exercise financial control over the otherparent. There is a high level of manipulation to meet their own needs which canfluctuate with their mood or state of mind. In addition, there is often ahistory of domestic violence, fraud or other criminal activities. Substanceabuse, addiction (alcohol, drugs, sex or porn) and other forms of mentaldisorders are also prevalent with these disorders. Any of these pervasiveissues should pose as a “red flag” to court professionals.
Judges and family court professionals are often fooled when ahigh-conflict individual proclaims that they want to be an active participantin their child’s life. The narcissist’s portrayed interest in being apart of the child’s life is the furthest thing from the truth. I refer to thisas the courtroom mask – the narcissist is wearing a mask in the courtroom orwhen the eyes of a court professional are upon them. Outside of the courtsetting, the mask falls and the narcissist’s true colors show. This is where itis critical to pay attention to courtroom statements versus actions.
When a judge, commissioner or a familycourt professional is making a decision that impacts the life of a child, it isimportant to err on the side of caution. This is even more critical if a parentshows impaired empathy, disregard for boundaries and poor impulse control withtheir children or their former spouse. Many high-conflict individuals mayappear to be a loving, devoted parent through their testimony or declarations,yet their actions prove otherwise. The AdverseChildhood Experiences Study (ACE Study), conducted by Kaiser Permanente andthe Centers for Disease Control, clearly illustrates the lifelong effects ofchildhood trauma and abuse. The ACE Study should be utilized by anyone who istasked with deciding the future of a child. Children are dependent on familycourt professionals and their rights should supersede parental rights.
In addition to client advocacy, myorganization offers well-researched educational materials (#EducateYourJudge) andtraining to legal professionals who wish to better understand Cluster B personalitydisorders and their impact on families.
Tina Swithin is the Author of the series,“Divorcing a Narcissist” and a Family Court Advocate who resides in San LuisObispo, California with her husband and two daughters.