My Narcissistic Ex Doesn’t Tend Our Child’s Basic Needs: What Do I Do?
When the narcissistic coparent doesn’t tend to your child’s simplest needs, how can you respond?
Does your children come home with tangled hair, unbrushed teeth, and untended cuts or scrapes?
Sadly, you’re not alone.
In the OMB community, many protective parents find themselves at a loss, stuck between taking action or staying silent. One mother explained the dilemma succinctly:
“The more I try to get their father to care for our child, the more neglectful and abusive he becomes. He is trying to hurt me by hurting our child.”
Narcissistic Neglect
Many children of narcissistic individuals experience narcissistic neglect. The abusive parent doesn’t offer time, resources, or attention to the children’s needs. This can look like:
Refusing to take responsibility for children’s care, because the children should “be responsible” and remember to take care of themselves (even when it is far below an age where they can remember to routinely take care of themselves, or safely have the capacity to do so).
Not providing or losing needed items, including tooth brushes, hair brushes, medication, clothing, food, etc.
Refusing to tend to injuries, or tending to them poorly.
Expecting a child to medicate themself with proper dosage during an illness.
Refusing to assist children in age-appropriate ways to accomplish simple and necessary hygiene and sanitary tasks, like haircuts, clipping nails, showers, etc. and blaming you for coddling them.
My Child is a Victim of Narcissistic Neglect: What Do I Do?!
If your child is a victim of narcissistic neglect, it’s important to continue to empower them to advocate for themselves in a safe way.
You can help them learn how to clearly state their needs, stand in their truth, identify gaslighting, and tell an adult when safety lines are crossed. For some kids and in some situations, it's simply not safe for them to do these things with the unhealthy parent and we should never expect them to. Every situation is so different and at the end of the day, our child safety has to take priority.
I remember feeling absolutely wrecked when my daughters would come home from visitations, physically and emotionally damaged. I worried that the harm being done to them was beyond my ability to navigate and no one seemed to take it seriously.
Years later, I would learn that empathy, courage, truth, and resilience are stronger than abuse and neglect. But I still remember the anxiety and gnawing agony of knowing that my girls were being fed lies while being deprived of basic care and regular, healthy meals that they would actually eat.
Hang in there. Choose your battles wisely. Stay the course. Empower your children in ways that are safe for them to be empowered.
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Divorcing a narcissist? Welcome, you've come to the right place.
The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed. You can read more about me here.
