Holiday Survival Guide
The Real-Life Grinch: The Narcissist
Don’t let anyone gaslight you (word of the YEAR, by the way!) – if you are feeling the post separation abuse intensify, let me be the first to validate you. It’s real, it’s common and predicable. During the holidays, we see these toxic individuals spiral into a dark, rage-filled abyss and they escalate in their attempts at creating chaos and conflict.
You may wonder, why? What is it about the holiday season that makes the narcissist unravel? The holidays are considered to be a season filled with love, joy and happiness – sleigh bells, festive celebrations, warm spiced cider, people caroling, cookies baking and presents abound.
The holidays are a painful reminder for the narcissist: they are different.
The narcissist is unable to embrace the magic of the season because:
They are unable to feel joy.
They are unable to give or receive love.
They are unable to experience connection with another person.
They thrive in darkness and cannot experience the light.
They aren’t capable of being selfless which is a hallmark of the season.
They don’t like sharing the spotlight- they need to be the center of attention.
The reality is that the narcissist is a very fragile species with the emotional intelligence of a five-year old child. The bow on top is that they know they are different. Their mugs of warm cocoa are brimming over with envy and hatred. The holiday season threatens them on every level and brings a festering, deep-seated pain. Their only escape is to lash out in contempt and rage. Inflicting pain and chaos releases the pressure that is building inside of them.
For those still in a relationship with a narcissist, their behavior may include increased manipulation, gaslighting, triangulation, hovering, love bombing or relentless attempts at creating pain and conflict depending on where you are in the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Understanding these patterns is critical to moving from emotions to a strategy mindset. Whether you are in a relationship with a narcissist or if those days are in your rearview mirror, the narcissist’s crazy-making behavior during the holidays can really take a toll.
What I know to be true:
For healthy parents, the pressures of the holiday season can be a great burden to bear even under ideal circumstances. We want to gift our children with magical holiday memories but that can very difficult when we aren’t feeling sparkly or magical. I remember feeling broken on our first two Christmases post-separation – being outdone in the gift department by my ex-husband when I couldn’t even afford ornaments for my tiny little pink tree was painful. I remember the sense of defeat like it was yesterday.
Let me share a few things I learned:
My children could not tell you which years they celebrated Christmas on December 16th, 25th or 28th – they remember the memories that we created, not the dates. At the time, it felt earth-shattering to me to be without them on Christmas Day. To them, the date on the calendar was insignificant.
My daughters remember the tiny ornaments that we made out of clay for our little pink Christmas tree – they had no idea that we made those ornaments because the narcissist stole all of my Christmas décor nor did they know that I couldn’t afford to replace these stolen items. For me, it felt so painful and unfair. I remember finding a few small bricks of clay and having a spur of the moment idea for how we could decorate our 2-foot-tall tree. Today, those little thumbprint ornaments are one of my most prized possessions.
My children remember the new memories that we created – for example, finding a new (nearby) town to explore every Christmas Eve. They remember the magic of discovering new things and getting grilled cheese sandwiches, hot chocolate and cookies. They have no idea that I started this tradition because I was hoping to instill in them the importance of experiences (being present) over material items (presents). They also had no idea that when we dined in that cute little restaurant, I could only afford to feed them and not myself. For my daughters, the memories from these little adventures are priceless.
Your Survival Guide:
I wish I had answers that were applicable to everyone, so I encourage you to take what fits for you and leave the rest behind. These are the things that helped me to navigate these difficult situations:
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE: Practice radical acceptance. Is it fair? No. Is this our reality? Yes. It feels pointless to shake our fist at the sky, yelling about how unfair life is (actually, there may be some therapeutic relief in this). Would I have chosen a different path, absolutely? Whether I like it or not, this is my path, and I will tackle it in a forward-facing motion versus being paralyzed by fear or going backwards. If I do go backwards, it will be a “cha cha” style dance move.
MANAGING EXPECTATIONS: Manage your expectations around the toxic people in your life. If you are expecting a 40-something-year-old, personality disordered adult to suddenly change their ways and start singing, “Deck the Halls,” then you are setting yourself up for disappointment and failure. The narcissist is not a healthy adult. They are not capable of putting the children first and they oscillate from being in competition with the children to using them as pawns and weapons. Outside of a lobotomy, or a miracle at the hands of sweet baby Jesus Himself, nothing is going to change this person. The thing that may need to change is your ability to manage your expectations of this person or of the situation in general. A tall, stiff drink of “radical acceptance” sprinkled with a heavy dose of “expectation management” may be on the menu.
COMPARTMENTALIZE: Learning to compartmentalize was critical to my emotional and mental well-being (physical health as well) and I am still a work in progress. The first step is mindfulness and being aware of our thoughts, greeting them and escorting them out the back door. There is a direct correlation between our feelings and how they manifest into our words and actions. Our feelings spill into everything we do so awareness is critical. When I say “compartmentalize,” this does not mean denial. I still work on the items that I compartmentalize in therapy – but I am in control of taking that box down off the shelf in the safe confines of my therapist’s office. There is a saying, “Not today, Satan.” That can be applied here as well, “Not today, Narcissist. Not today. I’ve got joy to find, connections to make and light to bask in.”
BOUNDARIES: “No,” is a complete sentence and when dealing with narcissistic family members or exes, you may need to use it like it’s going out of style. When it comes to the narcissistic ex and there are children involved, be sure to “yellow rock” your boundaries at every opportunity. Most people who have been targeted by a narcissist struggle with boundaries so I imagine that you are a work in progress and that is okay! Have you downloaded OMB’s canned responses? These can be very helpful when struggling with boundaries.
KNOW YOUR TRUTH: This is probably the most important. Know your truth left and right, backwards and forwards and top to bottom. You will be less likely to be “rocked” or affected by the narcissist when you’ve absorbed your truth to your very core. The narcissist’s attacks don’t sting if they don’t stick. Consider the source and stand on a firm foundation of your truth. I will break it down for you: The sky IS actually blue and you really ARE amazing.
PRESENCE: Be present in the moment and not ruminating on the past or time-hopping into the future. Don’t give the narcissist your power and if you do, bring yourself back on track and back to the here and now. Remember that the ‘should’ve, could’ve and would’ve path’ elicits feelings of shame and regret – neither are productive. The ‘what if path’ leads you straight into debilitating anxiety so being in the moment is right where you need to be. Find a mantra that helps you come back to center and put a Post-it note on your computer or in your planner so there are daily reminders of this powerful mantra or affirmation.
My heart is with all of you this holiday season and I hope and pray that you find ways to fill your tank, find joy in the moments and surround yourself with love. If you are going to be without your children this holiday season, please make sure you are connected to your local chapter of One Mom’s Battle. We all know that this is an isolating journey but it does not have to be.
