Healing from Abuse is a Journey
by Tina Swithin
Today I tried EMDR for the first time.
It was first recommended to me years ago and while I’ve been intrigued, I never took the plunge. I think it scared me a bit. I feared the unknown. Many of the clients that I work with have been helped immensely by EMDR so I finally decided to give it a try.
Last week, I met with the new therapist for the first time which was the initial history and intake session. Despite reading multiple descriptions online prior to embarking on this new journey, I still didn't understand how it worked. At today’s appointment, prior to starting my first EMDR session, I asked the therapist to describe EMDR and this is how she described it to me:
“When a trauma happens, that memory is stored on one side of your brain. When you are triggered, that portion of your brain is driving and in control. Meanwhile, the other side of your brain is as chill as a cucumber. EMDR helps to unpackage the trauma and redistribute it throughout your brain so that it becomes a team effort. It helps you to look at the original message that you received (fear, terror, sadness, etc) and replace it with a new belief (I am safe, I am content, I am powerful, I am worthy, etc).”
A lot of my trauma is a result of my ex-husband but, even deeper is the trauma associated with his mother, his father, and his older brother, Jason Porter.
To this day, I maintain that my custody battle was with my ex-mother-in-law. Sound familiar? She continues to have her stamp of approval all over my family court case. Portions of the paperwork filed by my ex-husband in 2017, 2018 and 2019, had his mom’s handwriting and wording. If you told me that she was solely responsible for his filings, I would believe you.
I sat on the therapist’s couch in Downtown San Luis Obispo this afternoon and took a deep breath before giving the green light to kick off my first session of EMDR.
I was given two buzzers to hold – one in each hand and as my session started, they buzzed back-and-forth simultaneously. It’s as if they were the tools to move my traumatic memories and redistribute them evenly.
The first memory that popped into my mind was the time my nanny called me (2008) to inform me that my (ex) mother-in-law came to my house with Jason Porter’s wife, a bride that he had purchased in Thailand. I was irate. Even prior to Jason’s arrest in 2016, I had cut off all contact with him. I was fearful of him and I did not even want him to know where I lived. His mother bringing his wife to my house was pointed as she knew how I felt. It was a violation and once again, her way of letting me know that she had no respect for me or my boundaries. This was a common theme in their family.
The next memory was finding a printed email that my (ex) father-in-law had written to Seth long before we were married. By the time I read the email, I was married with two daughters. According to the email, Seth had reached out to his dad in 2001, informing his dad that he was thinking of proposing to me in Hawaii and, asking his dad's advice. His father said, “Son, I once had a Tina in my life. Today, she is divorce. She has three kids from three different men. While she was once gorgeous, she is now 300lbs and in very poor health. She’s on welfare and did nothing with her life.” I was stunned but at the same time, I wasn’t. Seth’s father was an elitist, misogynistic, arrogant man and I expected nothing less from him. At the time, it stung badly. I was hurt.
The next memory was a time (2000) when Jason Porter took a back road while bringing me back to his house, where my car was located. His truck left the road at one point, coming to a stop in a dirt driveway. “This is where Rex Allen Krebs murdered those two college girls,” he said very matter-of-fact. I didn’t even know how to respond. This murder case had riveted our community as Rex Krebs had stalked, tortured, raped, and murdered two blonde college students in our area. Jason went on to say that he knew Rex through the local lumber yard and that he wasn’t shocked when Rex was arrested and charged with the crimes. I felt so uncomfortable and felt a huge sigh of relief when Jason started his truck back up and continued back to my car.
Another memory that flashed through my brain was the night Jason candidly spoke of raping and murdering a girl in Texas who had wronged him. His parents sat, unphased, listening to this monster and at the time, I wanted to scream, “What is wrong with all of you?! How can you sit there and pretend this isn’t happening?” This memory was not buried far – it is one of the memories that keeps my anger with Jason’s parents at the forefront of my mind. I believe they had the ability to stop this monster yet, they were so worried about their public image that they chose to live in denial.
My mind continued to jump from memory to memory, some had been long packed away. This went on for 15-20 minutes before we stopped and talked through the memories.
When I left the session, I felt oddly calm. I felt fuzzy and then, later, I felt anxiety creep in.
I recounted the words of my therapist: be kind to yourself.
That is what I plan to do today.
And tomorrow.
And forever.
No matter what stage of healing you are in (maybe you haven’t even started), it’s important to remember that we’ve been through a lot at the hands of these monsters (and many times, their families).
Be gentle with yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
Show yourself the same compassion that you would show those you love.
What form of therapy works for you? Have you tried EMDR therapy? I'd love to hear about your experience.