Termination of Parental Rights
Last Friday was supposed to be a big day for my family. Our motion to terminate parental rights was to be heard. After having to serve my ex-husband last week at his father's funeral (can't make this stuff up), he finally signed the stipulation to the termination. Now, he's signed a consent for my husband to adopt the girls AND, a consent to terminate his rights. Should have been a slam dunk, right? Well, it wasn't.
I'm going to rewind to the night before the hearing. I was stressed, I was raw, and I wasn't in the right mind set.
I wrote the following to capture my feelings in the moment:
I am swimming in doubt, second guessing everything and anxious. I am human. I keep asking myself, “what would you say to your clients right now?”
I would tell my clients to stay positive. I would tell my clients to write out the exact outcome that they desire and then, use it to guide them in meditation or prayer. I would tell them that whenever they start going down the “what if” path, to redirect themselves to the path they have prayed about. I would tell them to stay focused on their positive outcome.
On August 18, 2009, exactly ten years ago, my ex-husband filed for divorce. He didn’t do it quietly. He made sure to inflict a deep trauma days before filing. He waited until I left town to visit my sister and, he had a moving truck ready. He emptied my house of every material item and worse, he took all of the photos and videos of my children. He stripped me of every captured memory. He wanted to leave me with nothing and, he thought he had succeeded. I came home to a bare home. My beloved living room set gone and replaced with cheap, Ikea furniture. My beautiful bedroom set gone and replaced with a toddler bed. No joke. A toddler bed decorated for a child. On the toddler bed was a book called, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” He had made bizarre collages of pictures from my childhood and placed them on my new dresser. It was a dresser you’d find in a small child’s room. It was the most chilling, bizarre scene you could imagine. Ten years ago, it was my new life.
I won’t go further into his twisted world. It took me writing an entire book to purge and process the insanity that this man put me through. He wanted to break me, but he had no idea that I was unbreakable. I have felt broken many times, including tonight. I have been through a lot in my life and I am more resilient than I give myself credit for. He didn’t think I had it in me to survive his pervasive terrorism. This man marked me as a target the day he met me and while his tactics have changed over the years from love bombing to weapons of mass destruction, I am stronger than he thought I was.
I am not the same person that I was ten years ago. This battle has taken a significant toll on me. I am anxious and I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD. I struggle in crowds and social settings. Nature intended for me to protect my children yet, for many years, my hands have been tied by a very broken court system. This is what almost broke me. The family court system is ill-equipped to deal with narcissists and sociopaths. This is a system where parental rights trump children’s’ rights.
It’s been nine years and three-hundred forty-nine days since I was thrown into this system. My children have been through more than most adults but, like me, they are resilient and unbreakable. They are amazing human beings and they will move mountains in this world. I have to remind myself that they are on their own path and have their own story – I have done everything in my power to protect them, even with my hands tied behind my back. I am thankful for the angels that we have encountered on this journey – there have been many.
Back to the point of this post. Glenn came into our lives in 2009 and he has been with us every step of the way. Most men would have gone running for the hills but not Glenn. He’s one of our angels and tomorrow, we will be in court to terminate my ex-husband’s parental rights. Glenn is my daughter’s dad – he is the one who attended their first days of school, sat with us in the ER, nursed late-night fevers and taught them to ride bikes. It hasn’t been an easy role but, he’s our rock and he’s done it all without complaining. Glenn is their dad and by the grace of God, he will officially be one step closer to claiming this title “legally” tomorrow. ###
Deep breaths. Lot's of them.
My 14-year old daughter, Piper, had recently announced that she wanted to attend court with us. She was ready to face her biological father with her head high and her feet grounded in her truth. She has not seen him in over five years. Glenn, Piper and I arrived at the courthouse surrounded by three of my friends, all wearing yellow.
So...I have been told that termination of parental rights is the family court equivalent to the death penalty. The California court system system takes it very seriously and, it is almost impossible to terminate someone's parental rights. I am learning this first hand. In November, my ex-husband stipulated that he would cooperate with the process. We finally got him to sign a consent to the adoption and then we were told by the court that an adoption couldn't take place until a termination of parental rights had happened. Last month, they told us to have him stipulate to a termination of parental rights which he finally did on Tuesday. We were very relieved and marched in to court, prepared for the judge to legally terminate his rights. She had expected him to be there in person however, her clerks had informed my attorney that he could call in on Court Call, which he did. From Birmingham, Michigan.
The judge stated that she could not verify his identity over the phone and that he needed to attend in person due to the seriousness and finality of the motion before her. She said that she needed him to be present and on record . However, she wanted to hear from him by phone to gauge where he was with things and, to ensure he does understand that he may be entitled to a pubic defender.
The Seth rants began. He claimed that I dragged him to court over 50 times. He stated that he refused to have a relationship with his daughters in a therapist's office (supervised visits) and that he would just wait to have a relationship with them when they became adults. He then said something that made my daughter's eyes bulge: "All of my daughters' memories with me and my family were positive ones."
When the judge asked him if he understood what it means to terminate his parental rights, these were the first words that left his mouth:
"I understand that once I terminate my parental rights, my daughters are no longer on my tax returns as a write off."
He then repeated a second time about them no longer being a "tax write off" before the hearing concluded. I had flashbacks of when he submitted a "Profit and Loss" statement to the court about our daughters. I'm continuously perplexed by this person, time and time again.
The bottom line is that we have to go back again on August 30th, so that the judge can have him state, in person, that he is in fact willing to terminate his tax-write-offs....errr....I mean, his daughters.
Side note: his recent income and expense declaration states that he hasn't filed taxes since 2008 and I believe him. Not to mention, he has never been allowed to claim the girls on his taxes as I've always had the majority of custody. Oh...and then there is the massive lien from the State of California for back taxes....
I keep reminding myself that all of these broken little pieces, no matter how frustrating, are forming the mosaic of my life. As I look at the broken, jagged pieces, it's easy to get frustrated and feel defeated. I have to have faith that each broken piece has a purpose. I love mosaics because broken pieces come together to make a beautiful picture.
Upwards and onward....more court hoops and insanity.
Love, Tina