Divorcing a Narcissist Without a Supportive Community
Everyone deserves (and needs!) their tribe when leaving a narcissistic abuser.
When I left my abuser in August of 2009, my young daughters and I stayed in a domestic violence shelter in order to stay safe.
I felt alone, isolated, and terrified. I had a small crew of dedicated supporters including my Aunt Bev, my sister and my dad however they didn't live nearby nor did they truly understand what I was up against.
So many of you face the day-to-day challenges of narcissistic abuse and high conflict divorce without the support of family and friends. So many of you have never had supportive family or friends. And yet you are courageously bushwacking your way out of abuse and toward peace for yourself and your children.
There are no words for how deeply I and others feel for you, as we understand the complexity and pain of this journey - even more so without consistent, loving, and healthy support.
Divorcing a Narcissist: I Don’t Have Family or Friends
A quick Google search for narcissistic abuse survivors seeking help, yields many results advising victim-survivors to depend on family and friends. Depend on them to take the kids when you’re exhausted, to accompany you to court, to call when you’re feeling triggered, to help you with your strategic communication…
And honestly, this advice can feel immensely triggering when you are doing this on your own.
How to Build a Community From Scratch
When a safe community wasn’t modeled for you and narcissistic abuse further isolated you from forming healthy connections with a would-be community, it’s easy to write off the possibility of doing this with support.
But I want you to know that I firmly believe that NO ONE should do this alone. No one.
If this post resonates with you, here is how you can begin finding the “tribe” you deserve:
Online communities, like OMB Private Chapters, are a great space to begin building your community. Many incredible survivors who do not have safe families of origin have created “chosen” families from friends they’ve met online who have been through the same challenges.
A little vulnerability goes a long way… One OMB community member shares: I was completely alone in my divorce and custody battle. My family had never been safe, and all of my friends were long gone due to the isolation of narcissistic abuse. I was desperate for some kind of connection and community, so I wrote an email and sent it to three of my high school friends, explaining why I’d lost touch. Two responded that they had actually been in abusive relationships as well, and were also hoping to reconnect and find support. We all live in different states, but have daily contact through video messages or texts. Offering and receiving nonjudgmental support from women who are going through it is healing, and makes life less heavy.
Local domestic violence shelters often host free support groups. Support groups can be a safe and nonjudgmental space to connect with people in your local community who understand trauma and want connection.
Try to remember that you’re not alone. There are so many victim-survivors craving connection and community. I truly believe that as you intentionally choose to build your tribe, you can’t help but find your people.
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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
