Divorcing a Narcissist: Are You a Cycle-MAKER?
No doubt you’re breaking generational cycles as you divorce a narcissist - but did you consider that you’re also a cycle-MAKER?
Divorce, though extremely common, still carries immense shame and isolation as family, friends, and other members of your community may criticize or ostracize you for leaving your abuser.
You may have learned from triggering (and even traumatizing) interactions that many people still hold traditional, toxic, and false beliefs about divorce, like:
It takes two heterosexual parents to raise healthy children;
It’s better to stay together for the kids;
The end of a marriage is always tragic, no matter how bad the marriage was;
It takes two to tango, so why not work a little harder before ending things;
The end of a marriage is nothing to celebrate.
When you’ve made the incredibly courageous decision to leave a narcissistic abuser, nothing takes the wind out of your sails like a trusted friend or family member shaming you for your decision to leave.
Divorcing a Narcissist is Brave. Don’t Let Anyone Talk You Out of That.
Every time I hear of a victim-survivor experiencing shaming, bullying, or ostracization for their decision to leave an abuser, I want to scream, “HEY! THIS PERSON IS NOT ONLY BREAKING TOXIC CYCLES (WHICH TAKES A LOT OF WORK) BUT CREATING NEW CYCLES FOR THEMSELVES, THEIR CHILDREN, AND FUTURE GENERATIONS! SO GET OUT OF THE WAY OR CHEER THEM ON!”
If you’re doubting yourself for your decision to leave, try to remember how incredibly brave you are - and ALL of the traumatic healing work that you’re doing, for yourself and your children - and future generations!
As a cycle-breaker AND cycle-maker, consider that you’re:
Normalizing that it’s okay to end a relationship that isn’t healthy;
Showing your children that when a person consistently violates your boundaries, the healthy decision is to put even more distance (separation and divorce) between yourself and this person;
Destigmatizing traditional gender roles;
Showing your children that you are not afraid of living life as a single person (and may be really excited about it!);
Setting an example of choosing healthy but hard over toxic but traditional;
Allowing your children to see their parent choosing their health and happiness rather than martyring themselves for an abusive marriage (would you want them to choose an abusive marriage? Of course not!)
Breaking & Making Cycles Post-Narcissistic Abuse
Try to remember that there is nothing easy about a high conflict divorce or custody battle - and that few understand how difficult this journey is, unless they’ve been on it themselves.
So if you feel daunted by the idea of breaking and making new cycles, take a deep breath and know that this is not work that is done in a day, or even a year. Remember that you’re not alone. The OMB community is made up of brave cycle-makers, holding each other up. We are so glad you’re here.
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Divorcing a narcissist? Welcome, you've come to the right place.
The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed. You can read more about me here.
