Why is My Ex the Perfect Partner with their New Spouse?
When the narcissist presents as a healthy, loving partner in a new relationship, it’s easy to question yourself and everything you thought you knew. Here’s what you need to know.
It’s almost impossible not to doubt yourself and the history of your relationship when the narcissist appears to be a “perfect” partner to their new love interest. Let me be the first to remind you that people probably had that same impression about your relationship with the narcissist.
The truth is that narcissistic individuals are master manipulators and know exactly how to show up in relationships to get what they want.
Narcissistic Abuse Cycles Don’t Disappear - But They’re Easy to Camouflage
You’re probably familiar with the cycle of narcissistic abuse: Idealize (Groom) - Devalue - Discard - Hoover. It’s important to understand that narcissistic individuals are incredibly adept at reading their victims. In a new relationship, it’s likely the narcissist is treading the “grooming” portion of the cycle with incredible skill and care to ensure that the new victim trusts the narcissist
This means that the narcissist is on their best behavior, and may be for quite some time before they engage in the next phase of the cycle.
Narcissistic Abusers Are Master Manipulators: They Know What They’re Doing
A key point to remember is that the narcissist may be consciously choosing a partner who is more tolerant or seemingly unaware of the abuse, or who has just left a violent relationship. In these instances, the narcissist can use idealization tactics to lovebomb the victim and create the illusion of a healthy relationship.
Further, remember that the narcissist is likely still trying very hard to manipulate YOU. By crafting the illusion that they are healthy and loving to their new partner, they cause you pain.
How Do I Handle My Complicated Feelings?
If your ex-narcissist is in a new relationship and seems to be the healthy, loving partner you always wished you had, just know that time will reveal the truth.
Rather than focusing on the abuser and their relationship, focus on you.
Feel and process your emotions. Journal. Sleep. Love yourself well. As your focus moves from the narcissist to yourself, you will begin to enjoy the peace that comes from living in reality, undeterred by the narcissist’s chaotic antics.
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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
