The Worst Divorce Advice for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse
I can’t help but cringe when I hear people counsel victims of narcissistic abuse to use the Gray Rock method with the narcissist. Don't get me wrong, it's a wonderful method of communicating with toxic individuals if you do not have children together.
In many cases, the Gray Rock method can make things worse for you in court.
So What Is “Gray Rock”?
We use Gray Rock to become as interesting as a… gray rock.
Dull. Boring. “Nothing to see here!”
The idea is that in diminishing your emotional responsiveness to the narcissist, they will lose interest in you and find another source of “supply”.
Folks employ gray rock by:
Keeping verbal and written responses at a bare minimum;
Offering no emotional response to the narcissist;
Protecting personal information from the narcissist.
Should I Use Gray Rock?
Gray Rock is a great method for folks who are not navigating the family court system with the narcissist.
If the narcissist in your life is a sibling, colleague, neighbor, or other individual, Gray Rock can work wonders in limiting their desire to interact with you.
Why Is Gray Rock the WORST Advice For Narcissistic Abuse Victims in the Family Court System?
For over a decade, I have watched family court proceedings in person and now, virtually. I can't even begin to count the number of family court hearings I have attended and I can tell you this for certain - Gray Rock communication does NOT go over well with family court professionals.
If you’re familiar with One Mom’s Battle, then you’ll know from my book that I trudged through the system for ten years, desperately seeking justice. Only to find that year after year, it's a Wild West of sorts.
The hard truth is that there are few absolutes in the family court system, and the absolutes are difficult to accept when you are a victim of narcissist abuse, trying to protect your kids.
One of those absolutes is that ‘bare minimum contact’ with the narcissist just doesn’t look congenial to family court professionals, ergo, you may lose major points in the courtroom.
And in this battle, you really can’t afford to lose points - your children are dependent on you to build your points, not lose them.
If I Can’t Gray Rock The Narcissist, What Should I Do?
“If you can get away, use gray. If you have to stay mellow, try to use yellow.”
Okay, so it’s not Shakespeare, but I’m a tired mom with teenagers. You may have to cut me some slack.
Here at One Mom’s Battle, we’re all about the yellow. Here's a video I did a while back that discusses yellow rock communication.
The BEST Advice! The Yellow Rock Method
Yellow Rock is your ticket to strategic communication without damaging your family court case.
When you use the Yellow Rock method, you’re still a rock! But a nice rock. A rock who uses a cheerful greeting at the beginning of your messages, like: “Hello, Mark. Hope your Tuesday is going well.”
And while it can be triggering to type out his name and a kind salutation, know that every time you offer a warm, authentic message, you’re showing the family court system that you are not part of the problem. We must remember that the family court professionals do not know us. It is our job to show them who we are.
What does Yellow Rock-ing look like?
It’s disconnecting from the narcissist but not from yourself.
It’s operating from the here and now while focusing on forward movement, not the past.
It’s sticking to facts in a friendly but non-emotional way.
It’s understanding the pathology of the narcissist (fragile, ego-driven, non-empathetic beings) so you can be strategic in your communication.
It’s being realistic when it comes to your expectations of the narcissist.
It’s stepping away when needed and not responding when upset or triggered.
kay, Okay, But HOW?
Okay, okay, but HOW?
When I started to understand that Gray Rock wasn’t helping me (and was actually harming my case), it took me a while to develop the skills to Yellow Rock my ex. It was a rollercoaster and sometimes I got frustrated with myself as I slipped back into old patterns of Gray Rock to protect myself. I wish I’d have given myself a lot more compassion. I took my frustrations and I created a whole new language, the language of Yellow Rock.
What are some examples of Yellow Rock-ing?
While I do not agree with you, you have every right to feel the way you do.
I think we may need to agree to disagree on this topic for now.
That is a very strong accusation. Can you help me to understand why you feel this way by sharing examples?
I want to understand your position but I sense that you are angry right now. I’m hoping we can revisit this topic when things deescalate a bit?
I’m hoping we can both take time away from this topic to regroup as we are not going in a positive or productive direction. Let’s revisit this next week.
I’m sorry that you feel this way. Moving forward, I’d like to keep our communication focused on the children.
Now I know that this method takes time to learn! So please, be patient with yourself. Seek support. And try to begin the process of radical acceptance. If you aren't familiar with radical acceptance, Dr. Ramani's work is a really good starting point. It's important to remember that radical acceptance doesn't mean that we agree with the situation or how we are forced to navigate these difficult topics. It means that we are in the ‘here and now,’ and not pointlessly fighting things that are beyond our control..
If you need additional support, this directory of Certified High Conflict Divorce Coaches are specifically trained to help folks through this process. Take a look at the directory and find one in your state.
If you would like our complete guide to yellow rock communication, sign up for our newsletter (Lemonade Wisdom) and it will be emailed to you. Don’t forget to follow of our social media: Instagram, Facebook, TikTok and YouTube.
