The Narcissistic Epiphany (And What it Really Means)
When the narcissist suddenly sees the light and says all the right things, what’s actually going on?
Is this scenario familiar?
You’ve spent a significant amount of time trying to explain why a certain behavior is hurtful or abusive. Maybe you’ve engaged in therapy, purchased books, even drawn diagrams in order to break it down so that the narcissist doesn’t have any reason to not understand.
And yet no matter how hard you try, they just won’t grasp the simplest principles of kindness, respect, fidelity, or healthy interactions.
Then when you’ve hit a point where you are no longer interested in trying to change them, teach them, or stick around to see if they’ll change, they have a sudden, life-altering “epiphany” regarding the exact concept you were desperate for them to learn before.
The Narcissist’s Epiphany: Just Another Attempt at Control
The narcissist’s epiphany (and the apology that often comes with it) may feel really, really validating. Narcissistic individuals are master manipulators and know how to act penitent, sincere, and authentically sorry. The relief that victims feel when the narcissist finally “comes to the light” and offers a beautiful, tearful apology can be overwhelmingly comforting.
But the narcissist’s epiphany is really just another attempt at control.
Understanding the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abusers use the “epiphany/apology” in order to hoover the victim back into the relationship. This tactic works because the sincere, compassionate nature of the hoovering stage is often so drastically different than the chaos and pain that victims experience during the stages prior in the abuse cycle prior to “hoovering”.
How Do I Know if My Narcissistic Partner is Truly Changing?
An important rule of thumb when dealing with narcissistic abusers, is to trust patterns rather than promises.
Abusers promise to change - but few rarely do.
If you’ve experienced the cycle of abuse before and find yourself there again, it is unlikely that real change is occurring.
A beautiful, moving, compassionate “epiphany” is not change. And it’s unlikely to be the catalyst for change either, no matter how good it feels.
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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
