The Narcissist: Red Flags and Victim Blaming
“If someone is being their authentic self and it's all being referred to as ‘red flags’ why does the person wait until they've experienced all these ‘red flags’ before they walk away?” -GG Gharachedaghi
I came across this quote on the internet and I was pretty upset. As someone who has spent over a decade studying narcissism, domestic violence and narcissistic abuse, it saddens me that as a society, we haven’t progressed in our understanding of these issues. It’s even more upsetting that a woman made this statement about another woman.
Not only do brave survivors face this archaic mentality in society, this is the mentality we are up against in the family court system. We send mixed messages to women when we tell them to leave relationships that are toxic, unhealthy, or abusive and then, society victim-blames them with statements like the one referenced above (GG’s statement was directed to Lala Kent who ended her relationship with Randall Emmett after discovering that he was a liar, a serial cheater and a laundry list of other unsavory things).
I am grateful that individuals like GG don’t “get it” because that likely means they haven’t experienced narcissistic abuse or domestic violence. For those, like GG who don’t understand, I call on them to do better. If you don’t have a deep understanding of these toxic dynamics, it’s better to remain silent, listen and learn from those of us who have experienced the Randall Emmett’s of the world.
I’d also like to provide insight to those who haven’t experienced narcissistic abuse -narcissistic abuse is slow and insidious, and most of the time, you don’t even recognize it as abuse until you are deep in the fog and unable to see clearly.
Let’s pretend that we are in math class and on the first day of school, the teacher, Mr. N, tells us emphatically: “the answer to all the math problems in my class is ’20.’” This teacher has the number 20 on his jersey, the number 20 tattooed on his bicep, the number 20 is written in big bold letters on the chalkboard and the classroom is, you guessed it, classroom #20.
Within the first week of class, the teacher casually mentions to you in passing that you are special because you are student number 20 on his roster. You feel stunned. The number 20 has always held special meaning for you, so this must be serendipitous. You are right where you are supposed to be.
For the first three months in this class, the answer to all the math problems is 20. The teacher often compliments you on the work you are doing and makes you feel special. Your fellow classmates seem to speak highly of this teacher. You feel honored to be in his class but even more so given that he has singled you out.
On the fourth month, you receive the daily assignment and are a bit confused. 1 + 2 + 6 + 10 = 19. There must be a mistake. You question whether Mr. N was having a bad day and wrote the problem wrong? You bring it to his attention after class and his response is to blame you: you had distracted him while he was creating the weekly lesson plan. You reflect back and remember, yes, in fact you had asked many questions on that particular day. You make a mental note to yourself: never bother Mr. N while he’s creating the lesson plan.
On the fifth month, there were 20 math problems given and in one particularly challenging word problem, the answer was 18. You watch as other students point out the teacher’s error and you see how hurt he is when they do this. You feel defensive of him thinking, “everyone makes mistakes.” When you vocalize your support for him, you are told privately that you are unique and cherished. Mr. N goes on to say that you understand him, and others do not. He confides in you that he felt a connection to you from the first day you entered the classroom and that in all his years of teaching, he’s never felt this way about a student. You leave on cloud nine.
On the sixth month, you do the assignment multiple times and each time, the answer is 18. Do you approach Mr. N and point out his mistake given that his mood seems off and he has a lot going on or do you just chalk it up to an oversight and brush it under the rug? You decide to brush it off and write, “20” as your final answer. You get an A+ on the assignment. In red marker, Mr. N draws a smiley face and says, “great job!”
On the seventh month, you catch the teacher in a really good mood. He just gave a stellar speech and you’ve developed such rapport with him that you feel comfortable bringing your concerns to his attention in a gentle way. You choose your words carefully and let him know that other students are expressing frustration with errors in the assignments.
As soon as the words leave your mouth, you immediately regret your decision. The teacher launches into a confusing tirade about the pressures put on him by administration, blames his “inept” student aide for the errors and expresses anger that he looks bad because he is at the mercy of others. He goes on to say that there is a staffing shortage, his pay was recently cut, his beloved cat was just diagnosed with a terminal disease. He had been in such a good mood today, even though today was the fifth anniversary of his favorite aunt’s death. In honor of his aunt, he had made a conscious decision that morning to embrace her positive spirit and with that, he had just given one of the best speeches of his life.
The icing on the cake for the teacher was that he was all wrong about you. The teacher explains that he thought you were different from all the others – he thought you were special, and that you had his back. Now, he’s devastated that you are criticizing him. You feel horrible and find yourself apologizing profusely and simultaneously chastising yourself for being so insensitive to everything that is going on in his life.
Over the next two months, you continue to write, “20” as the answer to all the problems and you continue to receive A’s. You’ve learned to not question the teacher, you’ve learned to give him the benefit of the doubt, you’ve learned to defend his honor and whenever doubt creeps in, you reflect back on the number 20 and your special connection.
###
Red flags are only seen while reflecting on the relationship in the rearview mirror. The narcissist doesn’t show up on the first date or the fifth date with a bouquet of red flags. In fact, they bring the largest bouquet of roses that you’ve ever seen. It seems too good to be true and you find yourself giddy and questioning, is this really my life? Somewhere in that bouquet of two dozen roses, there may be a dead or broken flower (red flag). You don’t throw away the entire bouquet, you pluck out the dead one and focus on the twenty-three beautiful roses that remain. Maybe the next bouquet has two or three dead roses? You still savor the remaining, beautiful flowers because the good outweighs the bad, until it doesn’t anymore.
Survivors of narcissistic abuse are some of the most intelligent, empathetic humans I’ve ever known. Their light shines brightly which is what attracts the narcissist. The narcissist wants to stand in their light because they will be seen by others in this same light. The narcissist isn’t capable of creating their own light, they are dependent on the light of their target. In the beginning, they want to amplify that light so they place you high on a pedestal so everyone can see this beautiful, unique light of yours. This is where we see the power and control dynamic begin to set in. They are now in control of your light – they can put you on the pedestal and take you off of it when you displease them or fail to comply with their demands (spoken or unspoken). The narcissist becomes your worthiness barometer, and you are at their mercy. Narcissistic abuse is a slow and insidious process that isn’t lined with glaring red flags. The red flags are hidden, subtle and buried under roses, flattery, gifts, false promises, and hope.
