The Narcissist: It’s an Ultra Marathon
Some “advice from the end zone” of divorcing a narcissist:
Excerpt from Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom's Battle:
"I took the girls to meet Seth at Starbucks for his parenting time. As I got out of the car, Seth handed me a piece of paper detailing a new visitation schedule he was proposing. It was centered on his triathlon schedule. I briefly looked at the paper and told Seth that we could visit the topic on Wednesday in court.
“You are an idiot,” Seth hissed.
“This is inappropriate in front of the children," I said.
I continued to ignore Seth while removing the car seats from the car. Seth continued, “You are a pathetic human being.” At that point, Piper started to cry. She begged me not to go. She became hysterical, so I walked with her over to a bench. Piper said, “I don’t like it when Daddy is mean to you, and I don’t want you to leave.” Seth had walked up on us by this point and said, “Tina, THIS is divorce and THIS is your fault.” I replied, “Divorce does NOT need to be this way. Please stop.”
Piper continued crying for about 10 minutes, repeating over and over that she didn’t want me to leave. I explained to her that I would see her first thing tomorrow morning. I gave her a hug and had to walk away. She continued to cry for me as I struggled to place one foot in front of the other and walk to my car. My heart was shattering with every step I took.
I was being forced to hand my daughters over to a man who terrified me as a grown woman. He was now terrifying them yet there was not a single thing I could do about it. Seeing the desperation in my daughter’s face and feeling helpless to protect her was soul crushing."
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If someone would have interviewed me on this particular morning, I would have emphatically predicted that my children would be permanently scarred and damaged by what their father was doing to them. I believed that he was single-handedly unraveling their sense of security and stability -- which I had worked so hard to provide. He was using them as pawns in his sick, twisted games. I was operating from a place of absolute desperation - with my hands tied behind my back by a broken family court system. I felt defeated and hopeless.
I didn't realize the power I had - I (now) firmly believe that it only takes one healthy parent for a child to make it through this journey. If I could go back in time, I would have harnessed that power and put all of my energy towards being that parent. While I was that parent naturally, I had many sleepless nights and anxiety-filled days that were consumed with thoughts of the worst-case scenarios. The reality was, there were so many things out of my control but the things in my control were the most important things of all: how I showed up as a mom.
I know this week is especially difficult - the holidays bring out the worst in toxic individuals.
Please know that being present with your children is the best 'present' you can give them.
Please know that the moments will become the memories - and these will be the things they remember and cherish. Be “in the moment” with them.
Please know they won't remember if you celebrated Christmas on the 25th, the 27th or the 30th - they will remember celebrating with you.
Please remember that this is an ultra-marathon - pace yourself. The narcissist trains for a 5k, maybe a 10k depending on the person, but their pace isn't sustainable.
Please remember that you are strong and amazing - even when you doubt yourself.
