Please: Stop Saying “Alienation”

The word, “alienation,“ has divided the domestic violence community AND we cannot afford this division. We are stronger together which is why it is absolutely critical we all get on the same page. This word is the Father’s Rights movement.

As Richard Ducote stated,

"Alienation is the only 'disease' diagnosed by lawyers." 

This pseudoscience was concocted by pedophile sympathizer, Richard Gardner. Gardner is a disgraced psychiatrist and he is responsible for many children being placed in the clutches of sexual predators.

Accusations of alienation are the weapons of abusers. To most of us, that is as clear as day however, the water has become very muddy because many mothers are using this terminology without understanding the repercussions it is having on our movement. When you use this word, you are playing into the hands of the enemy – you are validating and strengthening their movement. You are propelling their disturbing movement forward and you are setting family court advocates (myself included) back. You are unraveling the work we are doing. You are assuming position in enemy territory.  Please, stop using this word in a way that validates it or in a way that validates the cottage industry of professionals who are laughing all the way to the bank.

The word, “Alienation” belongs to the abusers:

Claims of “alienation” are the go-to defense of the abuser when a child rejects the abuser. Suddenly, it's the mother's fault that the abuser lacks a bond with the child.

Why is there no bond? Could be a variety of reasons such as:
a) No interest or desire in bonding with your child unless there is an audience nearby or a camera rolling
b) Incapable of bonding with your child due to faulty wiring (aka a personality disorder)
c) Your own abusive behaviors have severed any potential bond with the child
d) All of the above

I have actually been on both sides of this - standing accused and watching my ex attempt to turn my daughters against me. I absolutely validate and acknowledge that the toxic parent attempts to turn the children away from the healthy parent and many times, they are successful. I personally know many moms in these situations, and it is devastating and heartbreaking. I’ve had a unique vantage point for many years (over a decade) and I see these situations play out. What I know is that the initial bond and attachment is the foundation on which our children were built – and that withstands these storms.

When the conflict ends and the child is left to navigate their relationship with the toxic parent, they end up seeing behind the mask. It’s inevitable. Things return to baseline – there was never a bond with the toxic parent to begin with and when the child (or young adult) sees behind the mask, the façade of this relationship crumbles. With this said, it doesn’t diminish the pain that a parent feels while waiting for this to all play out – the children were used as weapons and pawns because the toxic parent knows this is the way to inflict the most pain and to maintain power and control.

A similar analogy to help you understand:

• My marriage was toxic and abusive because my ex-husband was a sociopath (antisocial personality disorder).

• My separation was terrifying, and I ended up in the women’s shelter with my children because my ex-husband was a sociopath.

• My children became pawns and weapons during our very lengthy court case because my ex-husband was a sociopath.

• My case was considered “high conflict” because my ex-husband was a sociopath

• I was able to successfully protect my children at year six of our family court case and at year ten, we terminated my ex-husband’s parental rights because my ex-husband was a sociopath.

• Everything that happened from the time I met my ex-husband (2000) until present day can be explained because my ex-husband was a sociopath.

With all of this said, I have never used the word, “sociopath” or “narcissist” to describe or label my ex-husband. As validating as that word has been for me personally and in my healing journey, I’ve never uttered either of those descriptor words in family court. I was able to successfully protect my children because I focused on his patterns of behavior – specifically, the patterns of behavior that affected my children. I documented everything – and then I documented more.

If someone had said, “Hey Tina – that word, ‘sociopath’ has roots in pedophilia and to this day, places children in harms way,” I would scrub that word from my vocabulary. That word would never again leave my mouth. It wouldn’t matter to me that it explained twenty years of my life – my validation and healing comes from knowing my truth at a core level, it’s not wrapped up in a word.

The Experts of Pseudoscience:

I watch people grasp onto the dangling carrots of validation held out by people like Childress (Pruter), Baker, and Warshak, and I cringe. I’ve watched the work of these individuals destroy children and protective mothers whom I personally know -all for money. Those who cling to these “experts” don’t realize that if two people showed up at their offices with checkbooks, they will take the side of whoever writes the biggest check first. My humble opinion, of course and based on experience watching them side with the abuser over the almighty dollar.

Show me an expert who believes in “alienation” and I will show you red flags.

Playing Russian Roulette with Family Court Professionals:

Here is another scenario: there is a family court judge that I know of who is educated on the origins of the “alienation” movement and the damage that the present day movement has done to protective parents. Not only is she well-versed on this topic, she trains other judges throughout the state on this topic. I know this from being more ‘behind the scenes’ than most however, imagine yourself standing in her courtroom, clinging to that word and building your case on that platform? She would be doing a mental eye roll as you parade in your expensive experts (who are laughing all the way to the bank). All it takes is opposing counsel to argue that it is discredited pseudoscience (and they will) and it’s case closed.  

There are some pockets throughout the country where the “alienation professionals” have set up shop and infiltrated the system - but there are professionals who are knowledgeable and see it for what it is. Clinging to this word in front of the wrong professional could be detrimental to your case.

To Learn More About The Disturbing Present Day Movement

Jane Doe Films, in partnership with the National Family Violence Law Center, Center for Judicial Excellence and RAINN, brought together a panel of leading experts to discuss the present day “alienation” movement which is as disturbing as the Gardner origins. To watch, click here. The present day movement involves children being taken away from their healthy parent by “transporters” and placed into camps where contact with their healthy parent is cut off. They are told that the abuse they experienced did not happen - it’s likened to organized, systemic gaslighting.

• ABC 10 News did a feature on the present-day world of alienation which can be viewed here.

• NBC Bay Area did a feature on the present-day world of alienation which can be viewed here.

• Washington Post did a feature on the present-day world of alienation which can be viewed here.

Final Words:

I stand firm in my statement: if you are using the word, “alienation,” you are propelling very dangerous people forward. You have joined the father’s rights movement and you are setting our movement back tremendously.

Please focus on patterns of behavior – not that word.

If someone absolutely MUST have a descriptor, the best one to use is domestic violence by proxy.

Resources:

• Joan Meier Research: U.S. child custody outcomes in cases involving parental alienation and abuse allegations: what do the data show?

• Jean Mercer: Challenging Alienation