Divorcing a Narcissist: The Final Chapter
The Final Chapter in this Nightmare of Divorcing a Narcissist (and his family)
I have a difficult time articulating the reality of the rollercoaster that has been the past five (5!!!) years with a special emphasis on the past seven days. Just like in family court, I have learned that criminal court is equally unpredictable and that there is very little within our control.
(If you are new to my page and have no idea what I am talking about, start here. Now you are up to speed.)
For the past five years, Glenn (my hubby) has attended every single hearing for my ex-brother-in-law, Jason Robert Porter. Being there for the preliminary hearings and for the first two years broke me. I just couldn't do it again.
I did not feel brave.
I felt destroyed.
Glenn also attended every single minute of this horrific trial. It's like being strapped into a roller coaster driven by an evil madman. Glenn protected me from a lot of the details. I trusted him to share what he felt was important and to keep the rest to unpack with his own therapist.
In the beginning, I was slated to be a prosecution witness. The thought of having to look at this monster and answer questions from him (he was in pro se until very recently) was on my top five ‘worst nightmare’ list. I started EMDR to help me cope with this very real possibility. He has had a sick, twisted fixation on me since 2000 and has attempted to bring me into his criminal case at several junctures. It’s a feed to him and he has nothing to lose. That is a terrifying combination.
Weeks before trial, we were told that Jason requested a bench trial. A jury trial would have taken six to eight weeks and prosecution would be on deck to build a narrative and paint a clear picture of who he was and what he had done. A bench trial would speed up the process and be evidentiary – no need for the theatrics with the judge.
We had expected the trial to last approximately two weeks. On Tuesday morning, just Glenn called me and said that the prosecution had rested after the testimony of an amazing, brave 11-year old girl. Glenn was shaken by her testimony and frankly, by the horror of this entire case. He went on to tell me that the defense did not plan to call any witnesses, nor did they plan to really offer much of a defense at all. The goal for them is to get through the trial so that Jason can appeal. That's another story in itself and one which I will title, “delusions of a sociopath.” Thankfully, he’s a really stupid sociopath which was overwhelmingly obvious by his court filings and procedural blunders. I have zero concern about him successfully appealing but again, delusions.
Then Glenn dropped what felt like a PTSD bomb: court was in recess until 1:30 and at that time, both sides would deliver closing arguments. I was not prepared for that. I dropped everything and readied myself. I put on my power necklace, a gift from another mom who “get’s it,” and the necklace said, “BE BRAVE.”
Unfortunately, I don't know that anyone could truly prepare themselves for what I was about to walk into. I was naïve to think that closing arguments meant...closing arguments. What it actually meant was a recap of the entire case. Details about child sexual abuse and what these little girls endured at the hands of this monster. If there is anything in life that I’d like to ‘unhear,’ this segment of my life would be it.
Prosecution rested and the defense rested after a few fumbles designed to muddy the waters. The judge stated that he would deliver a verdict the next morning at 8:30am. Everything was a blur after that. I exited the court in ‘fight or flight’ mode and fell in front of the courthouse – flight doesn’t work well in heals and I rolled my ankle pretty badly. Dinner that night was a delivery of chocolate and wine. I was non-functioning and traumatized.
The Verdict
I prayed all the way to the courthouse the next morning. We found our seats and waited for Jason to shuffle in and then, the judge. As the judge finally began to speak, I felt as though I left my body. All I wanted to hear was guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty but he was talking…it was a blur. He commended the brave little girl who sealed Jason’s fate and he started to walk through each charge, one by one.
“Be Brave,” was what I told myself.
I felt like the Judge’s voice was distant and echoing until it wasn’t. Suddenly, it felt crystal clear and I was back in my body – sobbing.
Guilty. Guilty. Guilty…fifty-two times.
Many of these carry life sentences. There were enhancements meaning he will never be eligible for parole. He will never see the light of day. He will never be eligible for the pedophile country club (Coalinga State Hospital) which is a luxury that I do not want him to experience. He should pay every single day for what he has done to all of these little girls. And, he will.
I don’t know how I made it out of the courtroom. I had to walk past this monster. I sat in the hallway sobbing loudly. Someone said, “Five years, it’s been a long time coming.” I remember thinking, “TWENTY! I have been waiting for this for twenty years!” This man (and his family) have been terrorizing me for twenty years… through my marriage, through my divorce and, after his arrest and now, the longest running criminal trial in the history of our county.
I am so tired.
I am so tired of being brave.
I'm so tired of these broken court systems that empower abusers.
That night in the shower, I accidentally broke my “Be Brave,” necklace. As much as I’ve cherished this necklace for years, it felt symbolic. Maybe this is my sign that I don't have to be brave. I'm allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to be angry.
Or, maybe I am brave even when I don't feel brave and I don't need a necklace too remind me of that.
YOU are also brave when you don’t feel brave…and you are allowed to be tired, and sad, and angry. This journey is straight up BULLSHIT – yes, I’m yelling. I’m angry for my children and I’m angry for you and your children.
We MUST channel the anger and frustration into changing the system.
My story is my fuel. Through this verdict, I have received the ultimate validation that this family is everything I knew they were, and even more evil than I could have ever imagined. Had family court professionals just listened to me…
We need to believe survivors.
IN CLOSING
When I terminated parental rights in 2019, I was relieved (understatement) BUT I was never able to fully embrace the peace that we were granted because this criminal trial felt like a dark black, vicious cloud complete with thunder and dangerous lightning bolts.
The storm has passed and justice was served. I can now examine the rubble, and work on clean-up efforts. I am taking this summer to heal…so that I can refill my empty tank and enjoy the sunshine again.
If you are interested in reading more about the trial and the final chapter of this nightmare, here are some links:
KSBY News: Paso Robles man found guilty on 52 counts in child sex crimes case
Cal Coast News: Paso Robles man found guilty of child sex crimes, facing life in prison
Tribune: Girl, 11, testifies in trial of Paso Robles man prosecutor calls a 'serial child predator'
MSN: Paso Robles pedophile convicted on almost all counts. 'Justice was served,' victims' attorney says
