Dear Family Court Judge,

I understand that you are frustrated by what you deem to be a “high-conflict” case.

Please know that it only takes one person to create a high-conflict situation.

I am not creating conflict.

I just want peace.

I also want to protect my children.

The person I fell in love with was a façade – he was a con artist. The person I fell in love with never existed.

An abuser does not show up on the first date and verbally degrade you. An abuser does not begin to psychologically abuse you during your courtship. If they do, it is so subtle that you would not consider it to be abuse. I did not consider it to be abuse.

The irony is, you are falling for his story, just like I once did.

The abuser is very calculated, they wait until they have you in their clutches before they start to take the mask off and its only then that their true colors begin to show. 

I did not see behind the mask until I was completely trapped. I was isolated, dependent and in a fog. In the beginning, the positives outweighed the negatives. Abuse is slow and insidious. It is hard for anyone to understand - unless they’ve personally been caught in the cycle of domestic violence.

I didn't understand it either - until I lived it.

So, if you want to blame me for my role in the high conflict divorce or custody battle, I will stand before you and take ownership. I will take ownership for seeing the best in people. I will take ownership for being optimistic and hopeful. I will take ownership for being forgiving and kind-hearted. I will take ownership for wanting to live ‘happily ever after’ and for wanting to be loved and cherished.

I am guilty on all counts.

While I am guilty of those things, please know that I did not sign up to be abused in my relationship, in my marriage, in my divorce or in the family court system.

While my problem may not be your problem to fix, I respectfully ask that you protect my children. I ask you to put their well-being and safety at the forefront of your decisions.

When you reflect back on the oath you took, please keep my children in mind.

I know you've seen my children's beautiful faces in the photographs that my ex-husband submitted to the court. His sole purpose in submitting those photos was to bolster his narrative. I know it's very confusing because their sweet, happy faces don’t align with the narrative that I have presented to the court and I'd love an opportunity to explain:

The man you see in Exhibit R23 through R34 is:

The father I hoped he would be.

The father I want for our children.

The father our children crave.

The father our children have when a camera is recording.

The father our children have in the months prior to a court date.

The father our children have when there are witnesses such as friends, family members, strangers or court professionals.

Your Honor, the man you see in Exhibit R23 through R34 is the father our children deserve.

Please know that the man in Exhibit R23 through R34 is the façade that I fell in love with.

This is a game to him and your courtroom is now his stage.

For him, it’s about winning.

For me, it’s about protecting my children.

I ask for you to focus on his actions - and not his words and not on the photographs he submitted.

I ask that you prioritize child safety - emotional safety, physical safety and psychological safety.

Sincerely,

Mothers Everywhere

#MeTooFamilyCourt

(Written by Tina Swithin, Family Court Advocate and Founder of One Mom’s Battle)