Family Court: Use Your Anger as Fuel

Apparently, what seems like common sense to the rest of usrequires the Supreme Judicial Court to weigh in.

Judges must consider domestic violence in post-divorce custody cases, Massachusetts SJC rules: “Judges in custody cases must consider domestic violence in deciding what is in the best interests of the child, even for hearings that take place after a divorce is final, the Supreme Judicial Court ruled Thursday. ‘Regardless of whether it is an initial divorce proceeding or a modification proceeding, the plain language of (the law) requires a Probate and Family Court judge to have a complete view of abuse when determining whether a custody decision is in the child's best interest,’ Justice Elspeth Cypher wrote for the court.”  Link to story: click here.

This article opened up conversations between some of the Lemonade Sisters (alumni from my Lemonade Power Retreats). One Lemonade Sister who resides in Massachusetts had an experience in which the judge questioned why she couldn’t communicate effectively with her abuser. When she cited previous restraining orders, the judge told her that the past was irrelevant.

While her judge was obviously NOT a good judge, we can't say that the entire state of Massachusetts is bad. Through my ten years of advocacy, I have gotten to the point where I cringe when I hear people make “blanket statements” about a particular state or, even a particular county. To break it down even further, you typically can’t even issue a blanket statement about one individual courthouse.

(Sidenote: there ARE states that are worse than others and that typically has to do with laws being passed that force families into 50/50 custody shares. These laws are the worst thing that could ever happen to family court. Get involved and fight against these laws with every ounce of your being.)  

In my humble opinion, it comes down to the individual judge. Usingmy county as an example, we have three judges in San Luis Obispo County. Out ofthe three, only one seems to care about domestic violence and post separationabuse. Depending on which judge you get, your outcome could be night and daydifferent.

In California, everyone is given one opportunity to reject ajudge over the duration of the family court case. It has to be done prior tothe judge ever hearing the case. I never played this card because I knew toreserve it in case a really, really bad judge was placed in my local familycourt.

I do watch attorneys play this card in my local court system. There is one judge who is known to be "the one" to use if you have a high-stakes alimony case, she is more generous to the person receiving alimony. An attorney representing the higher-income earner would want her off the case. It can also come down to whether the judge likes or dislikes your attorney which is why I think its important to ask a potential attorney about their individual experiences with each judge in your area. When I observe in courtrooms, I can tell which attorneys the judges like, and which ones they don’t. Sometimes, it is glaringly obvious and sometimes, to the detriment of the person who is being represented by the "unfavored" attorney. Fair? No. Absolutely not but, it is the reality of what we all face.

What Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court did was to create astandard for all judges, regardless of their potential biases. In the familycourt system, you have a range of issues when it comes to judges; you havethose who are completely uneducated on post-separation abuse and DV to thosewho are corrupt or full-blown narcissistic themselves. On the other hand, thereare really wonderful judges who do care and who always put children first. Becauseof this vast spectrum, it is really important to get specific when talkingabout the issues in family court. Blanket statements do nothing to solve theproblems and, it creates a doomsday mentality for those just starting out inthe system.

The one thing we all need to cling to is HOPE. In my case, I refused to listen to naysayers. I refused to listen to those who wanted to share their horror stories about the judge that I was in front of. It was the same when I was eight months pregnant, "NO. I do not want to hear about your 92-hour labor!" Please be careful about how you speak to those in the system who are desperately seeking an ounce of hope and barely surviving their own post-separation abuse. They need words of light, of love and of encouragement more than ever.

I urge you to take your frustration and anger with the system and use it as FUEL to thoroughly educate yourself about your judges, and your local court system. Once you’ve done that, I urge you to begin speaking to the representatives and officials in your respective state. When you are sitting in your local courtroom, connect with others whose case may have similarities to yours. There is power in numbers. Don't spend your time online speaking about how horrible the system is and spreading doom and fear. Use your frustration in a way that educates and leads to change.

Every state needs to follow in Massachusetts footsteps when it comes to recognizing and, giving weight to domestic violence. This is the bare minimum of what we should be demanding from the court system. It’s a start.  Good job, Massachusetts.

Note: This is from my e-newsletter, "Lemonade Wisdom," which I don't always share from so please be sure to subscribe!

PS If you are interested in going deeper on topics like this and so much more, be sure to join me in January for 12-Months with Tina. These are the things we will be taking about, reflecting on and, discussing in a group forum. It’s all online and there are still spaces available! Sign up today!