A Different Perspective on Family Court

This week, I posted a success story from the Family Court Battlefield-- I LOVE sharing these stories because they provide hope. In case you missed it, here it is:

Almost a decade ago, I stepped onto a battlefield I never wanted to enter. I was unprepared and naive. I thought it would be quick and easy. I didn’t realize who I was up against. All I knew was that my children needed to be safe and have peace. This battle has affected everyone in my circle. Family and friends have had to endure more than I can even put into words. I wanted to give up most days, as the legal bills mounted, but like Tina and every protective parent here, I needed to lay my head on my pillow every night knowing I had done everything I could that day to protect my kids. After that first court appearance, my lawyer told me that this would be a long and hard fought battle, and to prepare myself. Get a good therapist and document everything. I found One Moms Battle, and read Tina’s books, and it changed the course of my battle. I googled everything I could find on narcissism and it really helped me navigate the days ahead.  After 8 years, 25+ court appearances, 2 custody assessments, 3 appeals, police investigations, CPS involvement for years, and a 6-day trial, I am holding a final court order giving me sole custody of my kids with zero access for their father among other things. The judge has granted us everything we asked for but most importantly, the peace we so desperately needed and that is a prayer answered. I never thought I would ever see final orders, but here I sit staring in disbelief that this day has finally come. I’m numb, and desensitized, but I do feel so grateful that my children’s needs were finally put ahead of everything else and we can begin to truly heal now.On my darkest days, I needed desperately to know that what I was trying to achieve for my kids was not impossible because it certainly felt impossible at times. I needed to know that all these struggles I faced daily weren’t for nothing and that it could be done. I looked for success stories on One Moms Battle’s Facebook Page almost daily and I’m now hoping my story helps you today if you are still in the trenches. I lost some of the battles, but I won the war. My kids are safe to grow up in a home that is loving, compassionate and honest.Tina, thank you for sharing so honestly and openly all these years. I have silently been watching and taking notes and applying your wisdom. You have played a role in saving two children today and I’m forever grateful. - Signed, an Anonymous Mom

When I heard this story, I couldn't share it fast enough. I know some are barely hanging on and others who need that dose of inspiration to push them closer to their own success story. When I shared it on Facebook, someone wrote, "It is unacceptable to have to waste so much of our life, time and resources getting a Judge to see what we were saying from day one! We are not morons, liars or vindictive people, we are experts on these fathers."The comment resonated with my own thoughts at several points in my battle. I know that many of us share this perspective and I want to open dialog and conversation but, I also want to offer a different vantage point (my own) as a seasoned family court advocate:After nine years (a year and a half of dating and seven and a half years of marriage), I had seen behind my ex-husband's mask. It took YEARS. He was great impression management and often the one to chastise others for their dishonesty or unethical behavior. He played the victim card very well and he often hid behind the facade of his perfect family. After years of gaslighting and emotional abuse, I was in a fog so thick that it threatened my foundation. As I begin to find my way out of that fog and construct boundaries through therapy and education, I became a threat to my husband. I had seen behind the carefully placed mask that he prided himself on. That mask allowed him to scam, manipulate and con people. In his mind, Seth's mask allowed him to stand taller than government agencies, banks and systems. He was above everyone and everything.My newfound knowledge of who my ex-husband was remained front and center in my mind. The past nine years of my life finally made sense. My "ah ha" moments of who he was became a focal point for me as the fog dissipated and I began to realize that I was not alone. I was married to a high-conflict individual and new words like, "narcissistic tendencies" and "sociopathic tendencies" were being presented to me by my therapist. I was on the road to education and empowerment.In 2009, the courtroom became my second home and I wanted so badly to share my new found knowledge with the masses. I wanted to sit with the judge for just one hour so I could share everything I had learned. I wanted to shout from the rooftops to all of the family court professionals who were frustrated with my case, "Hey guys!  I've got it! He's a sociopath! I can explain it all to you -- grab some popcorn, make yourselves comfortable and have a seat!" To my dismay, they continued to clump me in the same high-conflict category where they had placed Seth all the while, I continued to be angry and frustrated with the system. How could they not listen to me? It was all crystal clear to me.I have somewhat of a different perspective after spending countless hours in the courtroom watching people ping-pong back and forth all day long. If I am sitting in the courtroom, listening to a case where I don't know either party, I often struggle to know who or what to believe. I have always maintained that I am not pro-mother nor am I pro-father; I am pro-child and I am pro-healthy parent. I see unhealthy moms and I see unhealthy dads. There are times that I sympathize with Judges -- I often understand why they order 50/50 custody splits because in their minds, the child has at least 50% chance of coming out of the situation okay. I see the worst side of humanity while sitting in courtrooms - its ugly, its draining and its broken.I now have a different perspective -- I understand that it took ME nine years to see who I was married to. The judge didn't know me from Adam. It took my judge five years to call my ex-husband a sociopath. My judge figured it out sooner than I did! My judge had the mentality that is shared by so many which is, "You married this guy and chose to have children with him and now you want ME to fix it?" The judge didn't know me and he didn't know Seth. I believe that most judges allow a window of time for conflict -- usually about two years. They expect that there will be conflict because there is a reason we are divorcing. Once that two year window closes, they begin to lean in closer and examine the situation if conflict persists.With all of this said, there are things I would have done MUCH differently. I cringe when I look back at court transcripts from the early days -fighting about $50 co-pays here or reimbursed childcare costs there only muddied the water and took the focus off the real issues. My reality was that $50 back then was a matter of whether I was able to feel my children or not but, the more dire reality was that it distracted the court from the real issues. I feel that these financial issues should serve as a red flag to the court - the red flag of financial abuse is indicative of larger scale abuse. I wish I would have been more concise in showing patterns of behavior and specifically, how these carried over and affected my children instead of making it about a $50 doctor bill.The big issues that I see within the system are the family court professionals (minor's counsel, therapists, professional supervisors, custody evaluators, co-parenting therapists, mediators, etc) who are the eyes and the ears of the court. Judges typically do not have the time or the bandwidth to investigate high-conflict cases to the degree that is needed and therefore, the professionals that they utilize need to be child-focused. It is imperative that we have unbiased and uncalloused (compassion fatigue) family court professionals who are trained and educated on Domestic Violence, Cluster B disorders, high-conflict individuals and, post-separation power and control. The vast majority of family court professionals that I encounter are failing our children -- this is where we need change. It starts with accountability -- currently, there is no accountability in the system. I've seen it in my own case and I see it in the cases that come across my desk day in and day out.How do we make changes and hold family court professionals accountable for the decisions that they make? It is my belief that when there is personal accountability, there will be changes in how they practice.  I welcome your thoughts and input.  - Tina