Divorcing a Narcissist (Cluster B and other Personality Disorders)

Divorcing a Narcissist (Cluster B and other Personality Disorders)

New PictureMission Statement: 

One Mom’s Battle was founded in 2011 by Tina Swithin as she navigated the choppy waters that go hand-in-hand with divorcing a narcissist or other Cluster B personality disordered ex. In June 2014, One Mom’s Battle retained non-profit status. Tina’s story shows how one woman took lemons and shared lemonade with the world. To read Tina’s story, click here.

TO DONATE TO ONE MOM’S BATTLE, CLICK HERE.

The Mission of One Mom’s Battle is two-fold:

  • Educate the Family Court System (Judges, Commissioners, attorneys, GALs, social workers, etc) on high-conflict divorces fueled by individuals with Personality Disorders.
  • To provide a common meeting place for men and women dealing with a Narcissistic (or other personality disordered) ex where members can support one another and problem solve together in a positive fashion.

“My mission at One Mom’s Battle is fueled by the vulnerable children who are deserving of a normal, healthy childhood. The courts need to stop focusing on Mother’s Rights and Father’s Rights – a parent should not have rights simply because they have the ability to procreate. That is ludicrous and barbaric. A child’s right to be safe, loved and nurtured should supersede the rights of his or her parents. The Family Court System needs a complete overhaul because it should not be this difficult to protect a child. The Family Court System is failing our children and our families.”  -Tina Swithin

History of OMB: After a horrific 4-year custody battle, Tina Swithin took her plight to the media in an effort to shine the spotlight on her intense struggle to protect her young daughters. After four years on the battlefield and while acting as her own attorney, Tina’s battle came to an end on July 10, 2013 when she was granted a final custody order for full legal and physical custody and professionally supervised visits for her ex-husband. Because Tina is a mom, she titled her blog, FB page, and book One Mom’s Battle but fully recognizes that both men and women can be fighting to protect their children from poor decision-making by personality disordered ex-partners and by the family court system.

A Grassroots Movement: As of 2014, One Mom’s Battle has grown to reach the far corners of the Earth with the help of a dedicated group of Administrators who know first-hand the damage that someone with a Cluster B personality disorder can cause. Together, this group works tirelessly to support a Facebook page of over 10,000 survivors and over 100 Chapters (aka OMB Cheer Teams) of One Mom’s Battle which are spread all over the world.

Tina’s Books: Praised by celebrities, attorneys and those in the trenches of the Family Court System, Tina’s two books collectively hold 200 reviews on Amazon and both maintain a five-star rating.

To hire Tina Swithin as your personal divorce coach, click here.

The New Face of One Mom’s Battle- Lucy K. Wright

prayerWhen Tina’s battle came to an end in 2013, she held a contest to find the “New Face of One Mom’s Battle” and out of numerous applicants, Tina chose an inspirational woman by the name of Lucy K. Wright to share her story with the world. Follow Lucy’s journey growing up with a narcissistic father through her battle in the court system in an effort to protect her children from her narcissistic (ex) husband. To read Lucy’s story, click here.

 “Live life smiling and give it all you’ve got” are words Lucy holds very true to her heart. In honor of her mother, sisters, aunt, her own children and countless others surviving through their own NPD feats each and every day, Lucy bravely shares her story and encourages others to share theirs as we join together to make our voices heard. -Lucy K. Wright

Disclaimer: No one at One Mom’s Battle (or acting on behalf of One Mom’s Battle) is authorized to provide legal advice or mental health advice. As a group, we share our stories and assist one another with compassion and empathy. If you or anyone that you know is contemplating suicide, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE).

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: Seth is Back (Part 2- Narc Decoder)

Divorcing a Narcissist: Seth is Back (Part 2- Narc Decoder)

narc decoderby Tina Swithin

(Continued from Part 1)

My email to Seth after I got off the phone with Elena from the supervision company:

Seth- I received a call today from Elena regarding your request to set up supervised visits. Since it has been over a year since you’ve seen the girls, my attorney advised that the initial visits take place in a therapeutic environment.  Moving forward, I did let Elena know that the visits were ordered to take place with ABC Supervision Services or with Jane Smith who is a local therapist. I think there was also a clause about a mutually agreed upon professional supervisor as well which I will look into further and verify.  -Tina

After locating the court order and speaking to the therapist, I followed up with this:

Seth- To follow-up on my previous email, I did verify that the court order lists Jane Smith as an approved supervisor. Since Jane is a MFT, I would prefer that we utilize her services for re-unification therapy/supervised visits. I called and spoke to her this afternoon and here is the information to get started:

Jane will speak to Piper’s therapist and then she will meet with the girls and I. After that, she will schedule a time to meet with you individually and after that, she will meet with you and the girls together.  Her rate is $100/hour and she can be reached at 805-555-5555. I will wait to receive confirmation from you before meeting with Jane however, I will sign the waiver with Piper’s therapist at the next visit to get things started on our end.  - Tina  

Seth’s response to me:

Tina- The (court) recommendation was for (NPD) Supervision Services and they never returned my emails and the voicemail doesn’t accept messages for over a year.  I called her multiple times last year when this first started and received 0 replies.  I have been trying ever since April.  I finally looked up the National Registry of approved Supervisors.

Elena is an approved supervisor. There is no way I will go to someone you have a previous relationship with as you did with the woman form the Women’s Shelter with whom you feigned an abuse issue 4+ years ago to gain her favor. I don’t see anywhere where the person you are stating is recommended.

Furthermore, the damage you have caused by using our divorce and the court system to profit from not one but two books now is unconscionable.  I purposely removed myself from all of your world because I know you were using the court system to get chapters for your first book.

Using child support money to follow me around with private investigators and going to the extreme of hiring young girls to follow me around where I live is disturbing on levels of stalking.  I believe that you are not using the child support money in the proper manner to provide and care for the girls but rather pay private investigators to follow me when I am on my own time.

Why are you still so obsessed with me 5 years after I divorced you?  Let me live my own life and move on.  Later, Seth

Don’t fail me now, Narc Decoder!  I carefully place Seth’s email in the Narc Decoder and Snap! Crackle! Pop! Decoded!

Tina- It’s been a full year since I’ve seen the girls and in that time, I’ve accidentally drunk-dialed the supervision service multiple times however, I have never once attempted to contact them while sober. Recently, my mom came to visit for the summer and put pressure on me to impress the family with my superb parenting skills. To make my mom happy I have finally decided to reach out and touch someone….you know, those people who were appointed to supervise me.

Have I mentioned that my ego can’t handle the thought of supervision but I am willing to do anything to please my mom? I probably won’t really follow through — I will take the first steps and then tell her how mean you are and that you are preventing me from seeing my possessions…errrr….I mean, MY daughters. I wrote in the email that I have been trying to contact the company since April but you and I both know that’s B.S. I just like writing things like that in case the court gets a wild hair and decides to believe anything I say!  It’s worth a shot, right? Right? You know I’m right…I’m always right!      

Elena is an approved supervisor and since I spoke with her first, I am confident that I can sell her on how evil you are…and how I’ve been wronged. There is no way I will go to someone that you have a previous relationship with because you told them the truth and you know how much I hate being exposed. I don’t see anywhere in the court docs that says the person you are suggested is recommended (I’m covering my eyes, haha!) because am choosing to twist reality to suite my agenda and needs. That shouldn’t be news to you….I love twisting reality.  

Furthermore (“Furthermore” is one of my favorite words because it makes me sound in control and smart), the damage you have caused by telling the truth about our divorce to profit from not one but two books now is unconscionable (I should probably get a thesaurus….I know I use “unconscionable” in every email).  I purposely removed myself from your world because the Commissioner and Evaluator saw through me and I could not handle it. Damn you for telling people the truth again! 

I hate the fact that you can survive financially without me. It goes against everything I’ve ever told you and pisses me off. I know that I recently got fired from yet another job and no longer pay child support. I know that my arrears is over $40,000 and I hate that you have become self-sufficient. I hate it. I hate it! I remember back in the good old days when my frequent terminations would make you cry and scramble to figure out how to buy groceries. Gosh, I sure miss those days!  

It infuriates me that you’ve used a private investigator to show my true colors. Being followed has made me so incredibly paranoid that I now think young girls are following me. They are everywhere! Blondes, brunettes, red heads! I also believe that you are not using the child support money that I no longer pay you to properly care for the girls. I firmly believe that you are obsessed with me — you are, aren’t you? Everyone else is….you are, right?!  Let me live my own life, free of rules and court orders and we’ll all be happy.  

PS Isn’t it ironic that I spent so many years correcting your grammar and mine is horrendous? Let me figure out a way to blame you for my grammatical errors and I will get back to you. I’m sure your stupidity rubbed off on me during our marriage.   -Seth 

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: The Return of Seth

Divorcing a Narcissist: The Return of Seth

hes backby Tina Swithin

My phone rang yesterday afternoon and between the fact that it was an unknown number and I was knee-deep in spreadsheet hell, I let the call go to voicemail. When I listened to the message and my stomach dropped.

Hi Tina – My name is Elena and I am with (XYZ Supervision Agency). I spoke with Seth about providing supervised visitation with your two daughters. I’ve sent Seth the intake paperwork and I need to speak with you to learn more about the case and send you some intake paperwork as well. If you could please give me a call back at 555-1234.  

It’s been one year, one month and nine days since we’ve seen Seth and now he wants to set up visits? His mother, Cleo, came to visit for the summer and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was going to pressure him into visits. Our last communication from  him (by email) basically stated that he was going to “develop the mentality of a soldier going to war and plan to see the girls when they were adults.” Cleo strikes again.

I centered myself and called Elena back. I explained a bit about our situation and that we hadn’t seen him in a year. I let her know that there was specific instructions on our order about which agency we were to use but that I needed to find the order and read it again. My recollection was that there was a different agency listed along a second option – an individual therapist who was chosen by the Commissioner and minor’s counsel. I explained to Elena that due to the length of time that had passed, I would prefer to consult with an attorney and opt for reunification therapy prior to jumping into supervised visits. Since one of the options on our court order was a therapist, I was leaning in that direction.

I found our court order and immediately called the therapist who was listed as a potential supervisor. I gave her a brief history and the most recent event that had transpired: Seth wanting to establish visits after a one year absence. I explained my desire for reunification therapy prior to just jumping straight into a visitation routine and she provided an outline of what would happen:

  • She would speak to the girls’ therapist to gain a clear understanding of our case.
  • She would meet with Piper, Sarah and myself.
  • She would meet with Seth.
  • After all of that, she would facilitate the visits.

I got off the phone feeling less anxiety-ridden than I had felt moments before. Even in this “warrior mom” image that I have gained, I am human. I felt ill while listening to the initial voicemail — my heart was pounding and I wanted to throw up. I had to re-group and find my center. I had to coach myself – that pep-talk that I would give my clients was not coming to me in the “fog” that I was feeling. After speaking to the therapist, I felt reassured. I was reminded by Rebecca (OMB) that the girls were empowered. I was reminded that they had found their voices.

To be continued…..click here for Part 2

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Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

30 Seconds of Grey: Narcissistic Manipulation

30 Seconds of Grey: Narcissistic Manipulation

puppet_on_a_stringby Lucy K. Wright

The scene went something like this:

Me, walking in the door after the 18 minutes or so I had been gone to the store to get milk (and checked on at least three times since I’d left). I immediate got the glance of “Why did it take that long for you to go to the grocery store anyhow…??”

Him, on his computer: “Come take a look at this.”

Me, carrying in the milk, quickly reverting to the controlled feeling I knew of being back in his presence after my last “18 minutes” of freedom, and never knowing what to expect from him next: “Ok, what is it?”

Him: “See this email? Read it carefully. I’m sending it to my boss. You have ruined my life. You have ruined my career. You have ruined this family. It’s All Your Fault. And now you are going to pay the price for your actions.”

Me, after glancing at the short email, my brain racing, wondering “What caused this? What is he so mad about now?”: “No, no, please don’t do that! I’m so sorry. Please don’t send that. I promise I’ll do whatever I need to do support you and help. I won’t be away anymore. I’ll do what you need. I won’t leave for so long next time. I’m so sorry. PLEASE!”

I was his puppet and he knew it. At that point of our relationship, I always obliged to whatever he wanted, because that was my only way to survive his daily demands and the hell I was living with him. My response was exactly the response and reaction he wanted. I didn’t understand the manipulation then; it was my life, the only one I had known for years with my “father” and years with my ExN: the life where I pleaded and begged for his forgiveness almost every single day, for things that happened that I didn’t even know were wrong. But I was always wrong…. And he was always right….

Him: “It’s too late. I’m sending it. And after that, I want you to start packing because we are moving out of state. The for-sale sign goes in our yard tomorrow and you better have this place ready to go. I found a house close to my parents. We’ll be moving there so they can help with the kids since you are clearly incapable of even doing that anymore.”

Me: “No, Please! I’ll change. I’ll do whatever I need to. Please don’t send that. Please don’t make these big decisions without my input. We’ll have no income. We can’t move! What are you talking about? What are we going to do?”

Him: Click. Send.

30…29…28….27…26…25… seconds… 24…23…22…. NO! Please!

 

The email was short:

Dear XXX,

Due to extenuating circumstances with my current marital situation, please accept this notice as my official two-week resignation from my 10 year career with X company.

Sincerely, ExN

19…18….17….

The email sat in his Outbox. I was pleading for him not to send it, my heart sinking as I had no idea what we were going to do. I barely survived the days as they were, together with him all day “working from home,” while I tried to take care of the kids and maintain some sanity and dignity behind the shared dark walls. No job? Why? Move? What happened? What did I do wrong this time?

11….10….9…

4….3….2….and then…

He quickly clicked something on his computer that made the email not send. What? My head was spinning. He was yelling. What was going on.

Not as technically savvy then as he (but certainly much wiser and on equal playing fields now), he snapped and told me that because I said I’d do exactly what he wanted during those 29 ½ seconds, he stopped the email from sending. He had pre-set a 30-second delay, which I did not even know could be done. I suppose he pre-calculated in his pre-meditated scheme, that I would cave and give in. And I did just that. I did just what he wanted during his 30 seconds of intense, brazen, exhaustive, manipulative rage of control.

I was holding back the tears, the “whys,” and looking at him with utter dismay while wondering what would happen next.

That didn’t last long.

Him: “Ok, now go start packing….”

~LLS~ Lucy K.

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

 

Transcripts for Court: Putting the Evidence on Paper

Transcripts for Court: Putting the Evidence on Paper

cropped-ipad-typewriterby Tina Swithin

One of the Warrior Mom’s who has been a part of my journey since the very beginning happens to own a transcription business. I am highlighting her business, “One Mom’s Transcription” because I see it as a valuable resource for so many of us.  I recently asked her to explain the benefits of using her services and this is what she shared with me:

One of the biggest things that a transcript provides is the ability to cut to the heart of a matter.  Most judges are not going to sit and listen to a 20-minute phone call of a child crying.  They’re going to refuse outright because they don’t want to commit that kind of time to listening to one piece of evidence.  Plus, audio or even video isn’t very easy to put into the court record.  Transcripts are much easier to add to the record, be reviewed in a judge’s chambers prior to rendering a decision, and ensure that everybody is seeing the same thing.  With audio, people can hear different things, and reach different conclusions, which can be a big problem.

Transcripts also create the ability to bring up numbers, which can be huge to the efficacy of your case.  For instance, with audio a parent can tell a judge, “Listen.  You can hear that my child’s father tells him to ‘Shut up’ a bunch of times.”  With a transcript, you can put in the record, “In this five-minute conversation, my child’s father told him to ‘Shut up’ sixteen times.  That’s an average of more than 3 times per minute, or every 20 seconds.”  That can make a HUGE impact on the case.

Transcripts help to reduce the level of emotion while in the courtroom.  Hearing your child cry can be heart-wrenching, and for parents who are self-represented, being overcome with emotion can really hinder actually being able to represent themselves.  The same goes for recordings of domestic violence.

Transcripts can be highlighted, whereas recordings cannot.  You can emphasize what you feel is most important/relevant to the matter at hand, and not leave it up to the judge or to the other party to determine what they think your point is.

It’s also easier for a psychologist or counselor to go over transcripts, as opposed to audio, and point out where an insidious behavior appears to have started – like with mild insults or demeaning tones – and then how it escalated over time.  A pattern of behavior can be pivotal – as you know! – but can be really difficult to outline.  Plus, if a professional tries to determine a pattern of behavior based on one party’s testimony, it can easily be thrown out of court.

You can even use transcripts to help file charges in cases of domestic violence, child abuse, harassment, and even spousal support.

If you are like me and find yourself sitting on recordings then this may be the time to contact One Mom’s Transcription!  -Tina

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

The Only Witness The ExN Named for Our Trial Was…?? My ExN “Father.” Of Course.

The Only Witness The ExN Named for Our Trial Was…?? My ExN “Father.” Of Course.


witnessby Lucy K. Wright

You reach a point in all of this when you just have to Stop. Trying. To. Figure. Things. Out.

There are few to no answers to the “WHY does this keep happening” type of questions. You may as well quit beating yourself up and stop asking.

Dealing with your ExN and the constant zings that keep coming your way just seem to become part of your daily routine. Get up, get the kids ready for school, grab your coffee for the long commute to work, tend to your career and responsibilities, get an email of some negative sort from the ExN, probably swing by your lawyer’s office, or call your counselor to discuss it, or maybe even take a trip to the courthouse depending on what the ExN came up with that day…

…then mentally put all of that in the back of your mind, because it stings, even just a little still, no matter how much you are told not to let it, and you don’t want it to keep affecting the rest of your life and all of the good in it, but it’s hard not to…

…then you put on a smile, continue home to kids and homework and making family dinner, and carry on just as you know how you need to. Your head eventually hits the pillow and you lay there, the first quiet of the day. You remind yourself that you are strong, and thank the higher beings above for surviving and getting through one more day. You are thankful, and know how far you’ve come with each step in this daunting, dealing-with-a narcissist-in-your-life, process. It’s a good feeling, even though some days are still really tough.

My temporary hearing is set for this summer. If that time slot doesn’t work out, there is a firm date set for next year. We’ve been going through a second PRE evaluation, coordinating with lawyers, counselors, personality tests, etc. while continuing to juggle everything else in our normal lives. An evaluation process is grueling. It’s tough on the kids, especially as they keep asking WHY we are “still talking about divorce stuff”… so many years later.

I saw the ExN recently at our kid’s school event. I wanted to shout at him and say “You would rather put us all through this hell, especially your kids, than talk to me and try to work anything out.” Yes. He would. He filed for joint custody two days before I got remarried. Three weeks prior, before he knew about the wedding and while we were attempting mediation, he did not want joint custody. It wasn’t even on his list of items to mediate.

None of this is about the kids. It’s about him always being angry and continuing to do anything he can to punish me. Still, so many years later, and probably for many years to come.

We had to submit our witness lists to the courts within a specified timeframe prior to the trial. His was late. Of course. My witnesses included a handful of the mental health professionals who have helped my kids and me. I did not want to drag my family and friends into this any more than they already have been, so I just included the professionals.

His list? It consisted of one person, and one person only. My “father.” My narcissistic “father” who dismissed me from his life many years ago in favor of his surrogate narcissistic “son.” My “father” is allegedly going to profess that he knows the children do not want to go back to my home after they have been in the care of their “active and child-centered” father.

My “father” has no relationship with two out of three of his daughters, and the third is a stretch. And he is a credible source of making these assessments and judging someone’s parenting skills…how?

Seeing my “fathers” name on a court document, again, so boldly speaking out against me, his daughter, stung just a little bit. It’s spiteful and ugly and they know it. Or do they? I often wonder.

I’ve pondered many WHY questions with my counselors; why would a father behave like this; why he would speak out against me not even knowing my side of the story because he never even bothered to ask; why does he do this and continue to hurt me when I didn’t do anything to him but try and be the perfect daughter always; why; why; why…???

I don’t know what is ultimately going to happen throughout all of this. I am doing my best, which is all we can ever do, making my case, standing tall and keeping strong. But in the end, a judge, who does not know my family or me at all, will ultimately decide. He or she will make the decisions about our future and the schedule the kids will keep between my home and his.

You reach a point in all of this when you just have to Stop. Trying. To. Figure. Things. Out. And you put your head on the pillow each night and say a small prayer of thanks. Despite the obstacles, we must remember the good. I look at my kids each day they are with me and I know they are the good, and the reason I keep up this fight. I’ve thought about throwing in the towel a few times and just saying, fine, let’s end this, whatever he wants. I’ve become tired and grumpy and difficult to be around some days, I know that and bless my family for putting up with me!   I recognize my mood swings now more than I ever have before, and they change back to positive more quickly now than ever before; before it took several days for me to make a small move forward sometimes back to the glass half full that I usually am. I fully admit that sometimes this can just all be way too much and it definitely takes its toll on all of us.

But I am not going to say the words: Ok, fine, I give in, and go that route. Give an inch, take a mile. He doesn’t even know what he wants most of the time anyhow. It changes. It’s about punishing me. It’s not about the kids one bit.

If it comes down to it, I will face my “father” in court when the day comes. It will take a lot of mental prep work, but I’ve been to this rodeo before. I was a wreck facing him in the past under these circumstances. But I have lived and learned, and this time I will be strong. I will be ok.

We all may lose a few battles along the way during our own fights against our own narcissists in life; but in the end, I do believe we will win this war. We keep doing what we are doing because we love our kids and our kids need us. They are what matter the most.

~LLS~ Lucy K.

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

Divorcing a Narcissist: One Year of Peace

Divorcing a Narcissist: One Year of Peace

anniversaryby Tina Swithin

One year ago this month, I wrote my most popular blog to date: “Divorcing a Narcissist: It’s Over!” People all over the world rejoiced with me when I announced the end of my battle. I was successful in obtaining something that I had fought so hard for: the safety of my children.

This past week (July 10th) was the one year anniversary of my final court date and I spent the week on a houseboat at Lake Powell — far away from cell phones, computers and the chaos of the world. I had time to reflect on everything that had happened and how far we’ve come.

  • It’s officially been one year since we’ve seen Seth. In line with my prediction on the day we received the verdict, the ego of a Narcissist is not equipped to deal with supervised visits.
  • The small handful of emails that I’ve received over the past year evoke pity instead of fear.
  • Piper and Sarah are both thriving as well-adjusted 7 and 9 year olds free from night terrors and daytime, anxiety-induced potty accidents.
  • The girls feel safe to create boundaries now that Seth is out of the picture. They have actually refused his calls for the past four months which has been supported by their therapist.
  • Last month, Piper felt safe enough to write a very powerful letter to Seth while in her therapists office. I sent this letter to Seth at her request. Obviously, it was met with denial and twisted to fit Seth’s agenda but nonetheless, it allowed her to take her power back free from his wrath.
  • The girls have chosen to use my last name versus Seth’s last name. Obviously, this can’t be legally changed however, their school has accommodated their request at the academic level.
  • We have peace. Finally. Thankfully.

This experience and my decision to blog about my journey has united a community of the most amazing people I’ve ever encountered. One thing I’ve discovered is that narcissists target people with the qualities and traits that they themselves lack. Some of the traits that lure in a narcissist are: kindness, compassion, caring, empathy, concern, love, tenderness, faithfulness. These are just a few of the traits that describe this group of warrior parents at One Mom’s Battle. I am grateful that my journey has brought me to this group. The Administrators of One Mom’s Battle are leaders who have been in the trenches or who remain in the trenches. My gratitude is beyond worlds. We’ve come a long way, baby!

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

Peter Cook and Suzanne Shaw Divorce: Cheating Again

Peter Cook and Suzanne Shaw Divorce: Cheating Again

peterby Tina Swithin

This one can be labeled  under, “We all saw it coming” but, I will be honest in saying that the marriage of Peter Cook and Suzanne Shaw Cook lasted much longer than I expected. Following a case like this can be somewhat boring because all narcissists use the same playbook (yaaawnnnn). In the beginning of the case, Peter took responsibility for his actions in a way that only narcissists do: I’m sorry but it was all Christie’s fault that I strayed. A half-ass apology and then victim blaming. Typical.

Peter then quickly moved on to Suzanne Shaw because, as we all know, they can’t be without Narcissistic Supply for very long. Suzanne quickly jumped on the “bash Christie” bandwagon and became Peter’s prized minion carrying out his dirty work and bashing and blaming Christie at every opportunity. The goal for Peter was to stay in the spotlight while carrying out his main agenda: hurting the woman who first saw through  him.  In predictable narcissistic fashion, Peter holds Christie responsible for the public lashing he took when it was discovered that he had carried on a two year affair with Diana Bianchi. This two-year affair was discovered when Ms. Bianchi was 17-years old. I will let you do the math on her age when the affair began.

Do I blame Suzanne Shaw? I don’t blame her because I have been charmed by an individual like Peter Cook and have since dedicated my life to raising awareness on the topic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Peter Cook was diagnosed by a court appointed psychiatrist as an “insatiable narcissist” with a porn habit costing thousands of dollars per month. Described in today’s NY Post article as “a cheater” and a “creep” along with words like “narcissist” and “desperate,” I’m not usually one to say, “I told you so” but in this situation, we all knew it was a matter of time….

This current issue with Peter Cook goes to show the depths of his illness and evil. As early as last week, he was still groveling to the National Enquirer about Christie Brinkley because at this point, that is the only media outlet who will listen to his rants and all the while, his marriage secretly ended back in February according to media reports. This man is so hell-bent on trying to destroy Christie Brinkley’s reputation and so arrogant that he hoped that no one would pick up on the fact that he continued to jump from one woman to another while sporting a wedding ring. Peter Cook is the definition of vile.

I hope this serves as a teachable moment for all women dating. Pay attention to internal red flags when dating and pay attention to external red flags – such as the words and experiences of others who have walked before you. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck….it might just be a duck. If it sleeps in other women’s beds like a narcissist (while married) and talks (lies, projects and re-creates reality) like a narcissist….it might just be a narcissist.

It will be interesting to see if we hear more from Suzanne Shaw, my guess based on the statement by Peter’s attorney leads me to believe that Suzanne has been hushed with a narcissist’s most prized possession: money.

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: The $5 Challenge

Divorcing a Narcissist: The $5 Challenge

grassrootsby Tina Swithin

I never imagined that my own custody battle would have an affect on the rest of my life. My children are safe after a hellish 4.5 year custody battle but thousands and thousands of children are not safe. The Judge on my case finally saw through my ex-husband, Seth, but there are many, many Judges who have not seen the light. In fact, the vast majority of Judges are somehow, still clueless when it comes to Cluster B personality disorders.

My goal is to create change through education. One Mom’s Battle has recently acquired non-profit status and our amazing grassroots movement has a platform that currently reaches all corners of the world. It would have been very easy for me to walk away from this cause when my battle ended on July 10, 2013 but I could not do that. There are too many warrior moms and dads who are fighting to give their children a voice.

I need your help. 

The One Mom’s Battle blog averages about 35,000 views per month and our Facebook page has over 10,000 followers.

If each person who follows our blog or “liked” our Facebook page donated $5, just imagine the impact we could make on the Family Court System. This grassroots movement has already accomplished so much. Imagine what we can do together as a non-profit organization. 

I ask each of you to donate just FIVE DOLLARS.

Together, we can do SO much!  Click here to donate your five dollars!

Thank you so much- in advance.  #ittakesavillage

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

The Pattern: Roses – Yelling – Roses – Yelling – Roses – Yelling – Roses

The Pattern: Roses – Yelling – Roses – Yelling – Roses – Yelling – Roses

rosesby Lucy K. Wright

Less than 24 hours after I called off our divorce, after being told that “things would change,” he promised, life was back to the same exact living hell I had already been experiencing. Only this time, he felt more powerful than ever because he had just convinced me to remain loyal to him, try, and stay in our marriage.

There were numerous counseling sessions. I went to some sessions alone, we went to some together.   He was still very angry underneath his shell of appearing to others as being the happy-go-lucky and charming guy he wanted the outside world to see. That was the persona portrayed to everyone but me. In our home was a scene almost unbearable. There were many threats made that he would “call his attorney” if I didn’t behave and do what he wanted. He would get out his phone and pretend he was dialing. He was authoritative and very good with his convincing manipulative ways.  I never knew if he was actually dialing or not, but he got the fear and submissive behavior out of me exactly as he wanted.

We had a heated argument one night after the kids were asleep. He pushed and pushed me on needing “emotional and physical intimacy.” Holding back the tears as best as I could, I told him I could not give him that right now. I could feel the increased anger the moment those words left my mouth. The discussion became more contentious. When he didn’t get the reaction he wanted, he resorted to this:

“Bad mom. Bad mom. Bad mom. Bad mom.  You. Are. Such. A. Bad. Mom.”

He said it over and over and over again.

Of everything ugly he ever called me, those words stung the most, and he knew it.

I ended up slugging him in the arm, very lightly, as a last resort to try and get him to stop saying those words.

Big mistake.

“That’s it. That was just what I wanted you to do. You hit me, and now you are going to jail.”

He said he was calling 911. I said I was sorry and begged him not to. He dialed 911, and then he hung up. When dispatch called our number back to make sure everything was ok, he told them “his four-year-old was playing with the phone and called them by mistake.” It was well past 10pm, not a time when a four-year-old would typically be awake.

He spent the next 20 minutes, before the officers arrived at our home, standing over me as I sat paralyzed in a chair, in hysteric tears, not knowing what had just happened. He screamed at me, telling me how I cost him his promotion at work, how I was having a midlife crises and ruining his life, how everything was my fault, and how he couldn’t wait until the kids turned 18 so he could tell them that their mom had an affair.

What?

An affair. I was basically held captive in our home, never let out of his sight, carefully preserving all of the energy I had each day to simply survive. I looked worn and exhausted, wearing sunglasses inside and outside to lessen the view of my always puffy and swollen eyes. An affair? There was no way.

The police arrived. One officer talked with me. The other toured the home with the ExN, and found the kids soundly asleep in their beds. After about a half an hour they said they could take someone to jail – me – but that they weren’t going to. They did say that since they had been called to our home twice already, if there was a third time, someone would be taken away.

The pattern of the next few weeks went like this: 48 hours of yelling and screaming, then, he showed up with a big display of red roses. It was like clockwork.

I felt like I was going crazy.

And I can’t help but have flashbacks when I see big bouquets of red roses, even this many years later.

~LLS~ Lucy K. Wright

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

The Narc Decoder: Snap, Crackle, Pop! Father’s Day Craziness

The Narc Decoder: Snap, Crackle, Pop! Father’s Day Craziness

narc decoderby Tina Swithin

Why do I waste blog-space on Seth at this point in time? He has been gone from our lives for almost a full year.

Good question.

I am sharing my latest email from him NOT to give him the spotlight but because the Narc Decoder blogs are the most popular. I believe reading the pure craziness helps people to feel less alone. By sharing Seth’s bizarre rants, I am able to teach people who are new to this battle how to communicate and decode the sheer insanity that only a Cluster B person can provide.

I highly encourage you to take your power back. Turn alerts off on your phone if those alerts notify you of an email from your ex. Only open emails when you are centered, focused and in control. I knew that Seth would be emailing due to the Father’s Day weekend. I know he is escalated because my brave 9-year old warrior, Piper, has set boundaries with him. She has refused his calls since April and while in therapy, wrote him a letter straight from her heart. She is hurt and angry. It was eloquent and powerful. I sent him the letter and he of course, took what he wanted from it and refused to accept a quarter ounce of responsibility. Of course, it is all my fault.

Tonight I opened an email from Seth which promptly went into the Narc Decoder.

Tina,

Given that it is Father’s Day this weekend, I would like to see the girls at a place of your choosing for any interval of time. It’s absolutely tragic that (Commissioner) and (Evaluator) decided it was appropriate to oust me completely from Piper and Sarah’s lives because in the company of my parents on 111 degree day I enjoyed a beer.

Every restaurant you go to, you see parents enjoying wine or beer with their children present. You know this is the case and you know you drink wine in front of the children often. It is absolutely unusual and unfair punishment not only for me but for the girls that because of this the daughters no longer can have a normal relationship or any with their father.

On another note, I work my ass off to keep my job and my career. It is incumbent upon you to tell the girls that I provide enough money to you to cover rent, food, clothing and activities for my daughters. They do not seem to be aware of this.

You have won with the Commissioner. I used to say, back in 2010, that this divorce process has had almost no emotional effects on Piper and Sarah to people. The girls understood you had boyfriend and I was their Dad. Now it is clear that Piper in particular is going to have severe emotional scars from her loss of her father.

Tina, you grew up with a biological mother who had mental illness. Had your father not taken you tïo California from Illinois, she might have kidnapped you and you may not be alive had he not raised you away from your mother. What we are dealing with here is a very, very different situation. I drink high quality beer or wine as little or as much as my other friends who are parents, professionals and had working people. I do not drink every day. I exercise 2-3 hours every day sometimes 5-6 hours a day.

I am not some evil, monster as you describe me in your blog. I may have been taken by success and wanted to earn more and more money. But, that is my personality, to try to be the best in my field. It is time that you turn the mirror on you and realize that the damage this divorce has caused me has now been magnified on our daughters.

I disagree completely with the Commissioner’s punitive measures against me. I could understand if I smoked pot or did drugs to require supervised visits but he clearly hates me and you know this. Thus, you dragged me in front of him 30 times until he snapped on me permanently. He was sick and tired of seeing us and I do not blame him. This was all you. You constantly harassed me with court hearings in the middle of my work week. You cost me jobs because of this Tina.

All I wanted was to spend one week a month with Piper and Sarah. The custody evaluation buried me. Now, the daughters are in emotional turmoil.

I would really like to see the girls please. Even if we see them at the Children’s Museum and you’re there. I don’t really care. I just want to see them. 

Thank you for your consideration, Seth

As Seth’s email comes out of the Narc Decoder, I hear, “Snap. Crackle. Pop.” Yawn. Silly narcissist. You have zero effect on me anymore.

Here is the decoder version of Seth’s email:

Tina,

Given that it is Father’s Day, I feel entitled to see MY daughters. MY possessions. You know, the ones that I haven’t seen in 11 months? Seeing them on Father’s Day would certainly boost my ego and I would be able to report back to my mommy that I am a good son who cares so much about my children. Using phrases like, “intervals of time” makes me feel important. Do I sound important to you?

I think it’s completely tragic that the court saw through me. How dare they have an issue with the fact that I drank alcohol against court orders in a bar with MY possessions. Tragic. It was premium beer for God’s sake. I should receive some slack for the fact that I don’t drink the same beer that lower life forms consume. It was PREMIUM beer, Tina. Can you grab me a beer while I sit here and project my alcohol issues on you? I know you drink wine and I don’t think it’s fair that you don’t have DUIs, Drunk in Publics and Wet n Reckless charges on your record. You probably do…you probably slept with the police officers to get away with it all!  Damn you!

I am going to ignore the fact that in addition to the violation of court orders, there was a 43-page report that could make Cyndi Lauper bust into song…”I see your true colors shining through….your true colors…..”

Can you please make the girls aware of the child support that I pay? Have them send me a thank you card in the morning because they would not be able to enjoy cereal if it weren’t for me. You are all so ungrateful. Everything you have is technically mine. Did you know that? You should send me a thank you card also.

I saw the letter Piper wrote. Since when has she been allowed to set boundaries and express feelings? That’s just weird. Make her stop immediately.

This is the part where I remind you of your dysfunctional childhood. I do this in an effort to make you feel bad and in turn, make myself feel better. Do you feel bad? Is it working?  Did I mention that I drink high-quality beer?  I do so there!

I am the evil monster that you portray me to be in your blog. How dare you tell the truth about me. It literally eats me alive. Can you please turn the mirror on yourself and realize what you have done? Enough already! Give me the mirror back so I can see myself again!

I disagree with the measures the court took to hold me accountable for my behavior. How dare they do this to me! I don’t do drugs. I drink premium beer. I am not a looser. My mom said I was perfect. This was all your fault for telling them the truth about me. I believe the distorted version of reality that I have spun in my head and so should you. So should the courts. You constantly held me accountable for my behavior. How dare you!

Now that I am finished telling you what a cold, evil person you are, can we just put this all behind us and forget the 4 year custody battle? I’d love for you to violate court orders this weekend by bringing the girls to the museum so that I can pretend to be a dad on Father’s Day. Sound good to you?  Thank you for your consideration – Seth

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.