Divorcing a Narcissist (Cluster B and other Personality Disorders)

Divorcing a Narcissist (Cluster B and other Personality Disorders)

New PictureMission Statement: 

One Mom’s Battle was founded in 2011 by Tina Swithin as she navigated the choppy waters that go hand-in-hand with divorcing a narcissist or other Cluster B personality disordered ex. In June 2014, One Mom’s Battle retained non-profit status. Tina’s story shows how one woman took lemons and shared lemonade with the world. To read Tina’s story, click here.

TO DONATE TO ONE MOM’S BATTLE, CLICK HERE.

The Mission of One Mom’s Battle is two-fold:

  • Educate the Family Court System (Judges, Commissioners, attorneys, GALs, social workers, etc) on high-conflict divorces fueled by individuals with Personality Disorders.
  • To provide a common meeting place for men and women dealing with a Narcissistic (or other personality disordered) ex where members can support one another and problem solve together in a positive fashion.

“My mission at One Mom’s Battle is fueled by the vulnerable children who are deserving of a normal, healthy childhood. The courts need to stop focusing on Mother’s Rights and Father’s Rights – a parent should not have rights simply because they have the ability to procreate. That is ludicrous and barbaric. A child’s right to be safe, loved and nurtured should supersede the rights of his or her parents. The Family Court System needs a complete overhaul because it should not be this difficult to protect a child. The Family Court System is failing our children and our families.”  -Tina Swithin

History of OMB: After a horrific 4-year custody battle, Tina Swithin took her plight to the media in an effort to shine the spotlight on her intense struggle to protect her young daughters. After four years on the battlefield and while acting as her own attorney, Tina’s battle came to an end on July 10, 2013 when she was granted a final custody order for full legal and physical custody and professionally supervised visits for her ex-husband. Because Tina is a mom, she titled her blog, FB page, and book One Mom’s Battle but fully recognizes that both men and women can be fighting to protect their children from poor decision-making by personality disordered ex-partners and by the family court system.

A Grassroots Movement: As of 2014, One Mom’s Battle has grown to reach the far corners of the Earth with the help of a dedicated group of Administrators who know first-hand the damage that someone with a Cluster B personality disorder can cause. Together, this group works tirelessly to support a Facebook page of over 10,000 survivors and over 100 Chapters (aka OMB Cheer Teams) of One Mom’s Battle which are spread all over the world.

Tina’s Books: Praised by celebrities, attorneys and those in the trenches of the Family Court System, Tina’s two books collectively hold 200 reviews on Amazon and both maintain a five-star rating.

To hire Tina Swithin as your personal divorce coach, click here.

The New Face of One Mom’s Battle- Lucy K. Wright

prayerWhen Tina’s battle came to an end in 2013, she held a contest to find the “New Face of One Mom’s Battle” and out of numerous applicants, Tina chose an inspirational woman by the name of Lucy K. Wright to share her story with the world. Follow Lucy’s journey growing up with a narcissistic father through her battle in the court system in an effort to protect her children from her narcissistic (ex) husband. To read Lucy’s story, click here.

 “Live life smiling and give it all you’ve got” are words Lucy holds very true to her heart. In honor of her mother, sisters, aunt, her own children and countless others surviving through their own NPD feats each and every day, Lucy bravely shares her story and encourages others to share theirs as we join together to make our voices heard. -Lucy K. Wright

Disclaimer: No one at One Mom’s Battle (or acting on behalf of One Mom’s Battle) is authorized to provide legal advice or mental health advice. As a group, we share our stories and assist one another with compassion and empathy. If you or anyone that you know is contemplating suicide, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE).

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: Nightmare Spray

Divorcing a Narcissist: Nightmare Spray

glitter waterby Tina Swithin

The nightmares are still taking place…even with “our month of peace” that was awarded during the ex parte.

Thankfully, my youngest daughter, Sarah (age 7) does not remember the nightmares. Sometimes, she doesn’t even remember that she had a nightmare but we can hear her. Some days husband hears her yelling out when leaving for work in the morning and I’ve heard her yelling out during my recent bout with insomnia.

We have recently upped the visits to the girls’ therapist – back up to once per week to deal with the anxiety, anger, and whatever emotion is on the weekly agenda…all related to Seth’s reappearance in our lives. During a recent session, Sarah came out of the session with a cup of water. It was glitter water and it smelled of lavender.

It’s “nightmare spray,” Sarah said proudly as we walked to the car. “You get to spray it on me before bed and it will help with my bad dreams.”

Each night before bed, we deliver an extra dose of love and then spray Sarah (and her bed) with nightmare spray. She thinks it is helping and following the advice of her therapist, we will let her think that because it seems to give her peace and make it feel better, If your little one is dealing with nightmares, I highly recommend putting together your own bottle of nightmare spray.

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Dividing the Assets: Tales of a Personal Property Exchange with a Narcissist, Part 1

Dividing the Assets: Tales of a Personal Property Exchange with a Narcissist, Part 1

spoonsby Lucy K. Wright

In a “normal” divorce personal property exchange, a set of 12 spoons might equal 6 spoons for you, 6 spoons for me…

IF you really wanted to split the set.

In a divorce personal property exchange with a Narcissist, there is absolutely no rationale for what you might end up with. Four spoons for you IF he takes the china in exchange. Six spoons for you IF he gives you two forks in exchange. Zero spoons for you just because it’s a full moon, and you’re stupid, and non-worthy, and don’t even deserve a spoon if it was partially his to begin with.

No rationale. No logic. Nothing that makes any sense.

And don’t even ask yourself “Why?”

Because you already know…

That’s just the Narcissistic way.

———

The mediator declared that the ExN could schedule a time to come through the home I had been living in for several weeks, after the Restraining Order, just the kids and me by ourselves, without Him, to video tape every item in our home.

Schedule a time to “Come through Our Home, with his video camera, and…

Video Tape.  Every. Item.  In.  Our.  Home.”

I didn’t sleep for several nights after this order was declared.

I knew him.

I knew he would go through every drawer, every cabinet, every shelf, every box in the basement… to decide what he wanted. To decide what HE wanted.

What about my personal dresser drawers? My files? My cabinets? MY Things that belonged to ME, that had been MINE since he was gone? Could he, would he, be allowed to “video tape” those items too?

YES.

He would.

The reasoning behind the video taping, I think, was so that after he performed this invasive, intrusive, upsetting act, he could use the video tape evidence to help put together the list of items he might like to claim during the official personal property exchange, a.k.a, the day that all of his material “stuff” would finally be removed from our sight…our memories…our home.

I was sick the day he was scheduled to video-tape our home.

Mentally sick. Emotionally sick. Nauseous. Sick.

Why? How? Why.

Really?

Video-Tape.

I knew that the ExN would relish and gloat upon this self-documentary.

Probably gather with my “Father”, his family, and maybe some of his friends…

Pop some corn, make some tasty drinks, and sit around together to watch the video-tape of MY home.

And mock.  And make fun.

And pick it all to shreds.

But did it really matter? No. The kids matter. And my job as a mom is to protect my kids.

Then. Always. Now.

“Stuff” doesn’t matter.

———–

We scheduled the personal property exchange for a day in the Fall, after his Restraining Order was granted late that summer.

Those scheduled to be present: Me. ExN, Mediator, ExN personal helper, a support “friend” of my choosing for me, Sheriff, and the moving company crew, selected by Him, for which I was to pay half.

Why?

Why.

I learned to quit asking that a long time ago.

————

The Day.

————

The Fall day of the personal property exchange: Everything agreed upon prior by lawyers. All set to go.

Only….

He, the ExN…

…did not show up.

Everyone was in place – Mediator, me, my support friend, Sheriff, ExN’s “helper,” moving van in front of my home. But where was the ExN? It was all confirmed the day prior; everyone knew. Everyone was present.

Everyone except Him…

…because…

He “changed his mind.”

He decided he wanted the exchange to be scheduled for EIGHT hours, instead of the agreed upon SIX hours the day prior.

And…

unless he got his EIGHT hours, he was not going to show.

But he did not let anyone know he was not going to show until the morning the exchange was scheduled,

Because he did whatever he wanted.

Always did then.  Always still does to this day.

——-

That’s just the Narcissistic way.

——-

(To Be Continued…)

~LLS~ Lucy K.

 

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

The Narc Decoder: Ficus on your Husband (A Classic Email from Seth)

The Narc Decoder: Ficus on your Husband (A Classic Email from Seth)
narc decoderby Tina Swithin
The “Narc Decoder” began as a way to find light in the darkness. In the beginning of my divorce, Seth’s emails would often make me crumble to the ground. As time went on and I got stronger, I began to see right through his attempts to control and intimidate through written communication and the Narc Decoder (patent pending) was born as a way for me to cope with the craziness. Humor is truly the best medicine. A few weeks ago, I sent Seth an email regarding the impending supervised visits and my meeting with minor’s counsel. I had been made aware of the recent police report documenting Seth’s fifth victim since our divorce proceedings began. While this is victim #5, this one was especially troublesome because it occurred during our 3111 custody evaluation.This was Seth’s response to my email and apparently. the police report is a “hypothesis:”
Tina-  First off, I don’t care about your hypothesis.You’re spending child support money to write books no one reads about me.Second, you’re infatuated with me and you need to ficus on your new husband not me. So move on.

Third you’re a narcissist. Your pictures by photographers you hire are all over your little corner of social media and you with your 36 book fans are a pathetic breed. Keep it up with your nonsense while our daughters suffer from your egomania output to get losers to believe it’s okay to cheat on a husband. You will never absolve yourself yourself for your lies and selfishness in your heart.  -Seth

And into the “Narc Decoder” it goes….Snap…Crackle…Pop….Decoded!

Tina – First off, I don’t care that you have an official police report in hand. I am currently trying to concoct a story that will make this entire incident your fault. Everything is your fault in case you weren’t aware. You just sit back and wait to see what kind of story I come up with! I’m sure that you and the girl I was dating were actually in cahoots on this entire thing. Never mind the fact that you are on the west coast and she is on the east coast. I’m positive that this was all a set up and her father was probably the officer who showed up at the hotel to take the report. Now that I think about it, she is probably your third cousin twice removed. YOU set me up and forced the 23 alcoholic beverages that preceded the assault down my throat from 3,000 miles away….and you thought that you were going to get away with this! HA!

I am sure that if I keep mentioning child support money, people will believe that I pay you every month. Who cares about that measly $40,812.36 in arrears! Do you know that it eats at me that you’ve written books that tell the truth about me. I checked your Amazon reviews for the 93rd time today and you had a new review! You are now up to 265 reviews and both books are holding at 5-stars. I HATE that you are successful because it goes against everything I’ve ever told you! I hate that so many people know the truth about me.

Second, I am infatuated with myself. Why aren’t you infatuated with me…didn’t you hear all of the great things my mom said about me? Why won’t you listen, dammit!? By the way, I don’t want you to orchid or fern on your new husband. I want you to ficus on him. Wait..I never misspelled anything or made any mistakes prior to meeting YOU. Your white trash upbringing has affected my spelling. I knew it! See what you’ve done! I wrote “ficus” instead of “focus” and its all your fault. Move on and stop making me make mistakes. (Note from Tina: credit to Laura in Southern California for the ficus humor!)

Third, I’m a narcissist. Wait…I think I am actually a sociopath but I know that is a big word for you. By the way, the pictures you use of your coaching website prove that you are a narcissist also. It is very clear that in an effort to save money, you used your wedding photos versus having new photos taken…who was your photographer, by the way? I am in need of some new photos for my dating profiles. I am hoping for the “Fortune 500″ look which will go right along with what I am telling women. Did I mention that the people who read your books and blog are right up my alley?…an entire group of kind, loving, empathetic women. Do you have any of their phone numbers? I am actually on the hunt for my next victim and I love people with the qualities that I lack. I would appreciate it greatly if you would STOP educating the masses. You are eating up my dating pool every single day. By the way. I am still telling people that you cheated on me even though we both know that’s the furthest thing from the truth. Someone will eventually believe it. Won’t they? Will you just say you did because it would sure help my victim story. Please? -Seth

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: When Family Court Gets it Right

Divorcing a Narcissist: When Family Court Gets it Right

peaceby Tina Swithin

Today is a FANTASTIC DAY!  Never give up. Always follow your gut and if you feel like you’ve been failed then get back up and try again. And again. And again.

I had been warned this week that my ex parte request would probably be denied because it didn’t constitute a true emergency. After all, my daughters have professionally supervised visits.  The court website says that an emergency constitutes “the potential for blood on the floor.” I’m not joking. It really says that.

I operate today with the same mentality that has brought me through this battle. I need to put my head on a pillow each night knowing that I did everything in my power to protect my daughters. While I knew there was a 50/50 chance that the courts could shoot me down, I needed to know that I had tried.

In my request for order, I outlined the anxiety, the missed school days and the other things that had manifested due to the one hour visit with Seth. I outlined the fact that he has had 70 opportunities to see the girls yet he chose not to. I outlined his phone calls which range from bizarre and manic to drunk pocket dials. I included the message from the young woman who Seth assaulted — this assault happened in the midst of our custody evaluation and the courts had no knowledge of it. In her message to me she said, “He is mentally unstable. He snapped with a rage in his eyes that I have only seen in animals.”  

This makes the FIFTH victim who has come forward since Seth and I separated.

I was asking for visits to be decreased to one visit per month.

Minor’s counsel was requesting two visits per month.

The Commissioner stripped him of ALL visits pending the next hearing on October 28th.

Another few weeks of peace. We’ll take it.

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: Ex Parte Hearing Tomorrow

Divorcing a Narcissist: Ex Parte Hearing Tomorrow

courtby Tina Swithin

Hurricane Seth is back in full force.

The first supervised visit on Saturday was too much for the girls. The visit was one hour in duration and it had been 15-months since the girls had seen him.

During the visit, Seth brought his laptop. Why does this not shock me? If I had been away from my children for 15-months, or 15-days for that matter, the LAST thing I would want to bring was my laptop. As he asked them questions, he typed in their responses. Some questions were simple – what is your favorite color, who is your best friend and then the question that rocked my daughters: who is your teacher?  They are terrified that he will show up at the school and worse, go to their classrooms. They know he has followed our car, etc and the thought of giving him personal details began to worry them more and more as it sunk in.

He also brought pictures. Not just a few but an entire bin of photos. Many of you have read my previous blog about pictures – Seth uses photos to capture and prove love. If he and the girls were smiling in a photo, that captures the love and gives him proof. This has been an ongoing issue – he used to go to the girls preschool and force the teachers to look at photos of he and the girls. Social cues don’t seem to register with him, or most narcissists for that matter so despite how forced and uncomfortable the interactions are, Seth needs people to see photos that prove and capture the one thing he is incapable of: real love. The girls said it was awkward and uncomfortable. They are old enough now to know that love is something you feel. For that, I am thankful.

The visit caused stress and anxiety which has manifested in a variety of ways. Fearing the increase in time – from one hour to two hours and fearing that this could repeat up to six times per month (1st, 3rd and 5th weekends- Saturdays AND Sundays), I decided to act. I have filed an emergency hearing which is on calendar for tomorrow morning, I am asking the courts to reduce the visits to one visit per month. Minor’s counsel had a call with the girls’ therapist and supervisor and together, they came up with a plan of two visits per month — each visit being an hour in duration for the first 30-days and then increasing to 1.5 hours after 30 days. They are also requesting that Seth is ordered to meet with the girls’ therapist who has been an angel in our lives…and someone who “gets it.

Late this afternoon, I received Seth’s response to my emergency motion — sent from his attorney, Vinnie Slaromon. My favorite part of Seth’s declaration was this:

“I am requesting assistance from the court to allow adequate time for me to visit with our daughters in order to rebuild a meaningful relationship with them after a long time of interference by Ms. Swithin.”

Really?

Interference?

Does he think that the court will buy into this?!

He disappears for 15-months and even that is MY fault?

Of course it is. I am dealing with a Narcissist.

I have enjoyed 15-months of peace and now I am putting the battle gear back on.  Stay tuned for the most recent email which is currently being processed in the “Narc Decoder”….

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: Seth on his Best Behavior

Divorcing a Narcissist: Seth on his Best Behavior

policeby Tina Swithin

As many of you know, Seth and I underwent an intensive custody evaluation last year that began in January 2013 and ended in July 2013. The report is sealed and confidential but resulted in a final custody order for supervised visits. It also validated everything that I’ve put in front of the court for over 4 years. During the evaluation, Seth tried hard to put on a good show for the evaluator. He baked me an apple pie, set up a fake apartment and even set up bird house crafts for the girls to paint while the evaluator was touring “his” apartment. I was in awe that during the final stretch, he violated court orders and took the girls into a pub where he consumed alcohol. While that grave error was only a small part of the things uncovered in the evaluation, it sealed his fate when it came to the final custody order.

I remember being SO worried that the evaluator would buy into his presentation. No matter how positive I tried to be, it was a nerve-wracking period of time. Little did I know that while Seth was on his “best behavior,” he assaulted someone in Florida while on a drunken rage. While I have known about this issue for a while now, I haven’t publicly spoken about it. Now that the police report has been filed with the court, it is public information. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a horrible soap opera.  You can’t make this stuff up.

Last year, I wrote a blog about gazelles — also known as Seth’s prey. It had been brought to my attention that Seth was engaged to “Gazelle #3.” There were professional engagement photos posted online of Seth and Sharon, yet when questioned by the evaluator, he refused to provide her name or answer any questions about her. He was very evasive during questioning. After recently receiving a police report from Florida, his evasiveness during questioning makes complete sense.

On Valentine’s Day (2013) weekend, Gazelle #3 ran a marathon and Seth stayed behind in their hotel room during a large portion of the race. During that time, he accessed her computer, phone, camera and social media accounts without her permission. He found things he didn’t like including communication that she had with an ex-boyfriend. Later when she tried to log into her computer, she discovered that he had password protected the computer and she was unable to log on. Later that day and into the night, he proceeded to drink heavily and around 9pm, he re-entered the hotel room (“staggered into the hotel room” was how it was described in the police report) where Gazelle #3 was sleeping. They had a verbal altercation and Seth accused her of being in love with her ex-boyfriend. From there it says, “The suspect attempted to grab the victim’s cell phone out of her hands and a struggle ensued. The suspect grabbed the victim by her left wrist and she started screaming.” Apparently, multiple people in nearby rooms called 911 and because of the screams, hotel security also responded. Hotel security then made him pack his belongings and he fled prior to the police arriving. Charges were listed as “Battery using personal weapons – hands or feet.”

This was a man on his “best behavior” in the middle of a custody evaluation. As of this week, the police reports have been submitted to the courts.

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

 

Divorcing a Narcissist: Hurricane Seth

Divorcing a Narcissist: Hurricane Seth

stomachby Tina Swithin

“Mom, I really don’t want to go. My stomach starts hurting if I even think about it,” said Piper (age 9.5).

That was how our walk to school began this morning.

Tomorrow is our first supervised visit with Seth. The last time the girls saw him was July 2013 and they have refused his calls since April of this year. I haven’t been blogging about our new roller coaster ride lately because somehow, putting it out there makes it feel real. With tomorrow’s visit looming, reality is knocking on my door whether I like it or not and unfortunately, I am being forced to open it.

A huge part of me feels tremendous guilt. My daughters are safe. The majority of the OMB group members are forced to send their children to the monsters- unsupervised. I have been there and I know that feeling so well. I am trying to find my gratitude but it’s been difficult. I need to remind myself that our visits are supervised and the girls are safe. I need to remember that supervised visits are what I fought SO hard for. I need to be thankful for the 14+ months of peace that we’ve had. Then my daughter tells me that she wishes he would disappear forever and it all comes rushing back in. He is back.

I picked the girls up from school on Monday and as Piper climbed into my car she said with teary-eyes, “Mom- my stomach hurts so bad. I want to go home. I don’t want to go to the appointment.” We were scheduled to go straight from school to meet the new supervisor, Laura. I looked at Piper through the rearview mirror and I could see it in her eyes. “Honey, it will only be an hour and we can’t cancel.” “Mom, I’m really sick. I don’t want to go.”  This is my daughter who never misses school and has even tried to attend school with a slight fever. She is rarely sick and I’d never seen her act like this.

We arrived at the supervisor’s office and as we sat on her couch in the waiting room, Piper was holding her stomach and writhing in pain. It took everything in me not to grab the girls and leave. This is opening wounds that were finally healing. The girls are thriving in school and in life. I explained to the supervisor that Piper was having a stomach ache and she did a good job of trying to ease their minds about how the visits would play out and the games they could play along with the places they could go. Afterwards, I met with her alone and explained my concerns while providing as much history as I could. Like most therapists, she is of the mindset that two parents, no matter how broken, are better than just one parent. As a child who was subjected to the mental illness of a parent, I have a different and firm opinion on that subject but that is a blog in itself. On the way home, Piper said, “Mom….I really don’t want to go see him.”

Tuesday morning, I woke the girls up from school and Piper was in pain. Her stomach again. I called into the school and let them know that she would be staying home. I contacted her therapist and was instructed to use this as an opportunity to teach her about self-care. We went to lunch together and then had ice cream. We had the opportunity to talk about life and school. She spend the day reading books, watching movies and doing crafts. I hate watching what the stress from Seth is doing to her. In addition to the stomach aches, the stress is also coming out this week in pre-teen defiance which is difficult to absorb however, I understand. I have the tools to process these events and they are still difficult for me at the age of 40. She simply does not have the coping skills and I hate that he has the power to roll in like an evil hurricane and cause such discord.

As I type this, “Daughters” by John Mayer is playing in the background. Thanks, Pandora. Very appropriate timing.

Fathers be good to your daughters.”

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Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

Pigs Can Fly, and Other Such Philosophical Discussions With a Narcissist: Grab your Earplugs and Don’t Even Try

Pigs Can Fly, and Other Such Philosophical Discussions With a Narcissist: Grab your Earplugs and Don’t Even Try

7by Lucy K. Wright

For 93.8% of the population, One Week = 7 days = 168 Hours.

For 6.2% of the population suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there is a good chance for argument on that.

Let me give you a few examples:

Me: “What a beautiful blue sky today!”

N-Him: “Well… technically it’s not “blue” but you might think it is because clearly you aren’t smart enough to understand that the molecules in air scatter the light…blah… absorbing most wavelengths of light except for blue. So you are really being quite simplistic and sounding rather stupid when you make the statement “the sky is blue…””

Of course.

Me: “I can’t believe it’s already the 355th day of the year, with only 10 days more until New Years! Where does the time go?”

N-Him: “Well… as you might know, but probably not, Atomic Clocks are responsible for synchronizing time for much of our technology… blah…and now there is advanced technology with time being accurate to one second in 300 million years…blah, blah… and factoring in leap year… and well, the calculations might really add up to 366 days in a year…blah, blah, blah. Especially when that extra night, according to MY calculations, is MY overnight, and I don’t have to pay YOU additional child support for it…

Really.

I think therefore I am.  The sky is blue.  The grass is green.  Snow is white.

_______________

I filed a Parenting Time Dispute motion with the court to ask the Judge to please define what “one week of time” meant.

The motion went a little something like this:

“Due to continuous disagreement and constant varying interpretation of our current decree, I ask that the court please define for my (dear) “ExN” what “one week of summer vacation time” equates to, spelled out in both parenting “days” and “overnights” so that we may both choose our vacation time with our children fairly and equally this summer, and going forward.” (Respectfully, humbly, and embarrassingly yours… LK).

I felt ridiculous going to the courthouse and filling out a form to seek a professionally written answer to clarify, and verify, and set the record straight, that indeed, “One week equals Seven Days,” and asking someone to waste precious time on such frivolousness.

But I did not know what else to do.

The ExN insisted that his “summer vacation weeks” spanned anywhere from 8 overnights to 12 total. Mine? A standard week with seven nights.

Logic? Reason? Discussion? None. There is no such thing as “Co-” anything with a Narcissist. Don’t even try.

Our decree is written very vaguely, and subject to various interpretations by Him, which occur almost each time there is any time off from the kids’ school. Had I known back then when we going through the original divorce process, versus knowing what I know now having gone through the high-conflict post-divorce years’ worth of experience I now have because of Him, I would have never signed off on our current decree.

Life lesson learned.

________________

Within a few weeks, the Judge kindly clarified for us that indeed: “There are Seven days in One Week….”

Thank you Judge.

You have no idea how sorry I am that I asked you to spend your esteemed valuable time on this. But you also have no idea what I deal with on a daily basis, trying to be reasonable, and trying to work these simple things out myself, with someone who is probably in the top .05% of the top 6.2%. It’s impossible. And so even more, I thank you for your time.

I thought that having something in writing would help.  I thought we would now each follow the guidelines set forth by the Judge and fairly schedule our vacation time.  And…Pigs can fly.

The Ex’s response?

Fire-fueled. Chest out. Bring it on. “No one is going to tell me I’m not right.”

Because in dealing with a Narcissist, even what a Judge has to say is going to be wrong.

The ExN and his attorney immediately filed a dispute to the Judge’s ruling, contesting that “according to their interpretation” of the current decree…. “there are really not Seven days in a week’s worth of time when it comes to allocating his summer vacation.”

And so the saga continues.

_____________

Life lesson learned:

Always have your earplugs available.

And if you choose to feed the Narcissist, always be prepared to enter the battle zone.

~LLS~ Lucy K.

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Turning 40 and Adjusting My Sails

Turning 40 and Adjusting My Sails

sailsby Tina Swithin

I am not a football fan but I know a good end zone dance when I see one. I am currently heading for the end zone – the end of a decade. This week, I turn 40 years old. At first, like many of my peers, I struggled with the thought of leaving my 30’s until a few things put it all into perspective for me.

  1. I lost some longtime friends over the past year. Not because of a falling out or a silly argument. It was much bigger than that. Several amazing women that I’ve known since elementary school faced cancer bravely but in the end, it succeeded in taking them from their friends, their family and this world. It felt pretty petty to complain about a new year of life when there are people unable to enjoy another day…or another breath. In their honor, I will embrace my 40’s the way I embrace everything. With life. With love. With all of my being.
  2. I could look at the negatives and dwell on them or, I could look at the picture as a whole and focus on the positives  and on all that I have accomplished over the past ten years. Here are just a few of the moments that stand out in my mind over the past decade:
  • I was handed a diagnosis of MS months before turning 30 which at the time, was a devastating blow. I then embarked on a long and windy road filled with numerous doctors, hospital stays, lab tests and various treatment plans. Through this journey, I have taken the lemons and made lemonade while trying to stay positive.
  • Weeks before my 30th birthday, I discovered that I was pregnant with my first daughter. That year, I learned what it meant to be selfless. I learned that the love you have for your child is a love that you can never describe. In April of 2005, I held my baby for the first time and my life forever changed.
  • At the age of 32, the love that I had for my daughter expanded to include a second daughter. During my pregnancy, I wondered how I could love another child the same way I loved my little girl but those concerns were quickly dismissed when they placed a 6lb 9oz baby girl in my arms in April of 2007.
  • At the age of 34, my marriage ended and I embarked on a journey that few will ever be able to understand. I am thankful that they don’t understand because it is a journey that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
  • That same year, I found God. He had been there all along. He wasn’t hiding- I had been. For the first time in my life, I had faith.
  • Months later, and very unexpectedly, I met my best friend. It just so happened that my best friend turned out to be tall, dark, handsome and the kindest, most honest man I had ever met. Thus began a type of love that I didn’t know existed.
  • At the age of 37, I had this silly little idea to start a blog. That blog has morphed into two books and a movement that I could have never envisioned.
  • At the age of 38, I married by best friend and together; we have five children ranging from the age of 25 all the way down to 7. His are grown and out of the house…mine are not. We are the modern day Brady Bunch complete with all the chaos and craziness that you would expect. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
  • Just three months after my wedding, I was successful in my plight to protect my daughters. Anyone who has been in the Family Court System with a narcissist knows how monumental this is. A full 14 months of peace ensued following this life-changing day.
  • At the age of 39, I launched a non-profit organization which will work to educate the Family Court System on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and a coaching business which allows me to educate and empower those in the trenches. I have discovered what it means to “find  your passion” and everything that has happened over the past ten years makes complete sense.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be. It all makes sense. The good times, the bad times and even the times when I waived my fists in the air and cried. The times when I crumbled to the floor and questioned my faith. It all makes sense and I am thankful to be where I am today. I am at the end of a decade and I am doing my own version of an end zone dance.  – Love, Tina

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Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

 

“What characterizes an abusive relationship, even more than the physical marks, is that there is fear in your heart everyday.”

“What characterizes an abusive relationship, even more than the physical marks, is that there is fear in your heart everyday.”

restraining-order-picby Lucy K. Wright

I lay in my bed in the fetal position, barely moving for the third straight day, sobbing, not eating, wearing the same robe I had put on after returning from the court house. My head was spinning, my thoughts dark and sad as this was the first time my kids and I had ever been apart. I got the restraining order because I was afraid of him. I was afraid for my kids and afraid for myself.   Now they were with Him, and the minutes passed like hours as I persevered through the time before I knew they would be home again.

My “father” showed up at the courthouse after two weeks had passed and it was time to deal with the restraining order. He was there to “support” my ExN, his made-of-the-same-Narcisstic-mold-adopted “son,” whom he chose to favor over his own biological daughter. He uttered no words during this short court visit; he just sat proudly on the bench behind my ExN and his attorney, carefully taking notes and nodding in agreement whenever he could. I had not spoken to my “father” in over two months, and the time before that even longer. The last call we had?

It was summer, I was driving, and I was afraid.  I called him crying, telling him I really thought sometime was wrong with my Ex, that he needed help, that I was scared of what he was going to do next, and him hurting me or my kids.  I told him his behavior was irrational and I genuinely told him I didn’t know what to do and thought he needed help.  My father was, well, my father, and I thought he might actually listen to me.

My father’s response to me simply was this:  “Well, Lucy…. What you are telling me does not seem like “Ex” at all, I’m not sure I understand.  Exactly what did YOU do to cause him to start behaving like this?”

For domestic violence to exist there must be one or more of these: punishment, coercion, control, intimidation and revenge. My father punished me because in his eyes, I was just like my mother. He packed his things and left her out of the blue one random morning after more than two decades of …punishment…coercion…control…intimidation…and revenge.

This was my “normal” growing up, what I knew. And this is why I went on to marry someone who was exactly the same as him.

The ExN, and my “father,” picked the kids up shortly after I returned from the court house. I had to carefully explain to the kids what was happening, as they had not seen or spoken with their father for two weeks, and up until a few hours prior, I did not know that there would be a visit so quickly. They were cautiously excited, not knowing quite what to expect.

Neither was I.

We agreed at the court house that the kids would call me at 7PM each night they were with their dad so I could at least have comfort in hearing their voices.

The first night they left I received a voice message from my “father” letting me know that the kids “were not interested in talking with me right now” but they would try again later. About a half an hour later I spoke with my daughter for a few minutes before she was interrupted by my “father” saying “it was long enough,” and that my son “did not want to talk to me at all.”

The next night I experienced the same thing.

And on the third night I finally got to talk with both of my kids.

Punishment…Coercion…Control…Intimidation…Revenge

~LLS~ Lucy K. Wright

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.