Dec31

One Mom’s Battle: Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Divorce

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One Mom’s Battle: Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Divorce

My name is Tina and I wear many hats.  I am a friend, sister, daughter, coffee addict and most importantly, I am a “Warrior Mommy”.  I am a single mother to two beautiful little girls- ages 5 and 7.  I’ve spent the past 3 years acting as my own attorney (in pro se) in a horrific divorce and custody battle with a Narcissist.

While I am not a doctor, I strongly believe that my X husband suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  A few short years ago, I had never heard this term.  Learning about this personality disorder has helped me to cope with my situation and it has helped me to stay two steps ahead of him. Divorcing a Narcissist is the single most difficult thing that I’ve ever done in my life.  I don’t wish this roller coaster ride on anyone however, if you are about to embark on this journey (or are already on the journey) then I am glad we have connected.

This is a story about not giving up.  This is a lesson about believing in yourself and what you can accomplish even when the odds (and the court system) are against you.  It’s my experience in the Family Court System and the frustrations that came up as a result of this broken system.  I am a person who hates conflict.  I had to leave my comfort zone and risk people not liking me.  I have had to stand up for what I believe in and one day, I hope to stand up on your behalf also.  My favorite saying, “It’s time to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it!“.

I believe in taking lemons and making lemonade.  I feel that I was placed on this path for a reason.  I have witnessed first hand the flaws in our court system and my next battle will be to bring change to this system.  I am in support of any parent who puts their children’s needs first– regardless of gender.  This isn’t about mother’s rights or father’s rights.  It’s about a child’s right to be happy, safe and loved.

My second mission will be to educate the public and the court system on Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the court room.  This isn’t about two people who hate each other so much that they can’t put the best interest of their children first.  In my case, this is about one person who is incredibly dangerous and consumed with “winning” and one person who’s sole purpose is to protect her children with every ounce of her being.

How to navigate through One Mom’s Battle:

  • The Red Flags in the Beginning = dating and early years (2000-2005).
  • My Pregnancies and Newborns = when things started to change (2005-2007).
  • The End of Our Marriage (2009).
  • Fighting for My Children = the battles, the damage and the court process (2009-2012).

Deep gratitude to:

  • Alison Patton, esq for featuring “One Mom’s Battle” in her Huffington Post article titled, “What Smart Women Do After Divorce“, March 2012.
  • Ms. Christie Brinkley for shining the spotlight on “Divorcing a Narcissist” with such grace and class.  Ms. Brinkley has brought awareness to this topic, connected many women who were struggling in silence and is a huge inspiration to all NPD survivors.
  • My friends, family, significant other, church and God for being in my corner.
May20

What Will It Take For Someone to Protect My Daughters?

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What Will It Take For Someone to Protect My Daughters?

Sometimes I need to take a deep breath and regain my composure before blogging.  Something happened yesterday that left me unable to take a deep breath or regain my composure.  I thought that I would be more composed today but that is not the case.  I am more upset.  I was looking up synonyms for the word, “irate” and had to lean on my thesaurus for help.

Irate
Synonyms: Angered, annoyed, blown a gasket, enraged, exasperated, fuming, furious, incensed, indignant, infuriated, irritated, livid, mad, piqued, provoked, riled, steamed, ticked off, up in arms, worked up.

Does that describe it?  No, but its a good start.

Yesterday as I was in the shower, the girls were overheard talking about the upcoming visit with their dad.  My five year old said, “I with that we could still see (professional supervisor’s name here)”.  “I know.  Dad says that he makes good decisions (now) but he doesn’t”, replied my 7-year old daughter.  I can’t speak word-for-word about what was said because I wasn’t there.  This conversation was relayed to me but that was the general dialog.  I know that my five year old has been trying to process things related to her father and visits.  I give her the space to do that and supply her with the tools to work through her feelings in counseling and in general communication.

We dropped the girls off with their dad from 11am to 5pm and upon pick up, I noticed that my youngest daughter had  been crying.  This was the ensuing dialog between my X and I:

Me: “What happened?”

X: “Well, the girls were pushing boundaries in the pool and went under water for a short period of time”

My immediate thoughts: remain calm and composed.  Do not over react.  Listen to the entire story before you open your mouth.

My 7 year old then chimes in and states: “Kailani slipped off her noodle and went under water.  I tried to save her and hold her above the water but then her head was higher than mine and I swallowed water also”.

X: “They were pushing boundaries- it was scary and they learned a lesson from it.  They are both fine”.

I got the girls into the car.  I wanted out of there badly.  A million thoughts going through my head but I remained calm and didn’t want to react until I knew more.  We drove home and over the next few hours, I heard the entire story.  Basically, it was my worst nightmare unfolding in front of me.  My daughters have never had swimming lessons.  They were in a pool without an adult in the water.  NO life jackets on.  My youngest daughter slipped off of her swimming noodle and she was trying to doggie paddle to the edge.  She inhaled two gulps of water before my 7-year old saw her struggling and jumped off her own noodle to save her.  She explained that she was trying to hold her sister out of the water so that she could breathe but in turn, she went under several times.  She said they tried to get their dad’s attention but he was lying out sun tanning wasn’t paying attention.  He finally realized what happened and jumped into the pool to rescue them.   My five year old is amendment that she swallowed five huge gulps of water.  “I counted them, momma” she said.

The girls brought up the incident throughout the night and several times this morning.  Last night at bedtime, my oldest daughter asked if she could write in her journal.  I am incredibly thankful that her teacher at school advocates daily journaling as I think this practice is invaluable.  This morning, she asked if she could share her journal with me on our drive to church.  This is a snippet of what she wrote:

“Today was a scary day for me and my sister.  It happened at my dad’s house.  When me and my sister were playing in the pool and we didn’t know how to swim and (my sister) fell off her floatie and almost drowned.  I tried to save her then I fell off my floatie but was holding (sister) up higher than me.  We drank chlorine water.  I think either my dad was not watching, he was not paying attention or he was sleeping.  But after about 12 seconds dad jumped in and got us out of the pool.  After that dad took us inside and we had cinamin raison bread, milk and chips and salsa”. 

My feelings as a protective Mother Bear are hard to describe even with a thesaurus in hand.  There is no excuse for what happened in his care yesterday.

I looked up drowning facts and prevention on a government website:

  • How long does is take for a child to drown? A child can drown in only a couple of minutes. It is important to always stay with your child around any type of water (pool, spa, ocean, lake). A child should never be left ALONE near any type of water – EVEN FOR “JUST A MINUTE.”
  • Every day, about ten people die from unintentional drowning. Of these, two are children aged 14 or younger. Drowning is the second leading cause of death for children ages 1 to 14 years.
  • How is drowning prevented:  Supervision when in or around the water. Designate a responsible adult to watch young children while in the bath and all children swimming or playing in or around water. Supervisors of preschool children should provide “touch supervision”, be close enough to reach the child at all times.  Adults should not be involved in any other distracting activity (such as reading, playing cards, talking on the phone, or mowing the lawn) while supervising children.

A responsible adult.   What a concept.  THIS is the person that the California Family Court System deems as “responsible enough” to care for my daughters without supervision.

Will it take one of my daughters DYING or being seriously injured for the court to say, “Okay, maybe he isn’t responsible enough”?  My seven year old daughter had to try and save her sister yesterday.  A seven year old was more responsible that a 38-year old man who was more concerned with his tan than watching his daughters.  The court-appointed supervisor previously notated on her reports that he doesn’t interact with the children on his visits.  She was right—not even when two little girls are in a body of water and could have lost their lives.

Sometimes I turn to my friends for the words I can’t seem to find.  My friend described it best today: “I think that we (as mothers) get punished for being too vigilant.  He (X) is too hell bent on having no restrictions and rules that he is ignorant of how inept he is as a father“.

One hour ago, I had to drop them off in his care again. My daughters asked me to talk to their dad prior and let him know that they don’t want to go back in the pool.  He agreed that they would stay inside today.  Irate can’t describe my feelings nor can any word that I can find in a thesaurus.

May18

Meeting Christie Brinkley

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Meeting Christie Brinkley

The past 24 hours has been a whirlwind of fun and excitement.  Glenn and I left for Hollywood early Thursday morning and were able to enjoy a one day getaway which doesn’t happen very often in our world.  We were bound for the historic and amazing Pantages Theatre to see the Broadway musical, “Chicago” starring Christie Brinkley.

A few weeks ago, I was contacted by Ms. Brinkley’s personal assistant who informed me that Christie wanted to give me tickets to see her perform at the Pantages.  Helloooooooooo, Hollywood!  I’m not sure where you are in the world but it is quite possible that you heard me screaming with excitement.  The emails that followed were even more exciting as I was given instructions on how to access the stage door and that my name would be on the list for entry backstage after the show.  I was going to meet Christie Brinkley.  THE Christie Brinkley.

We arrived at the Pantages yesterday to discover that our seats could be categorized as nothing short of phenomenal.  The seats were front and center– sixth row!  Pinch me now.  The show was fantastic and I only hope that I have that much energy at 58 years old.  Her performance, her voice and the dancing– top notch.  You could feel the energy in the air as she truly loves what she is doing.  After the end of the performance, Glenn and I looked at each other realized that the time had come– we were going to meet Christie!  I almost had to pinch myself again!

We walked to the backstage area and there were two names on the list.  My name and one other woman who knew Christie growing up as a child in Los Angeles.  Christie came out and was even more beautiful in person than she is on television or on stage.  Glenn described her as “angelic” and that is a pretty accurate description.  I stuck my hand out and said, “Hi– I am Tina Swithin and I write the blog, ‘One Mom’s Battle’”.  Her eyes lit up and she explained that she found my blog and immediately thought, “Someone gets it” and she went on to say, “It was a light in the darkness.  Thank you for writing as you are helping soooo many women”.  To be perfectly honest, the entire experience was surreal and I don’t remember specific details.  Everything happened very quickly and I was left with several thoughts about the experience.

  • A person’s inner beauty is what truly shines through.  Christie is drop-dead gorgeous but that doesn’t only pertain to her outward appearance.  She absolutely glows from the inside out.  I didn’t feel like I was talking to a Hollywood star but instead a person overflowing with kindness and gratitude.
  • Narcissism does not discriminate.  It can affect the old and the young, the rich or the poor and everyone in between.  While we are worlds apart we also share a bond.  Two women deeply affected by Narcissism and the court’s inability to act appropriately when it comes to this disorder.  It showed me that even with a diagnosed Narcissist (Peter Cook) and the financial means to hire legal counsel, the battle is still daunting no matter who you are.

Yesterday was an experience for the memory books and one that I will never forget.  Thank you, Ms. Christie Brinkley for an amazing adventure!

 

 

May16

Promoting Awareness: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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Promoting Awareness: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Tomorrow I will be heading to Los Angeles to see the amazingly beautiful Christie Brinkley perform at the Pantages Theatre.  Growing up in California, I have encountered a few famous people along the way and there was always the usual “star struck” feeling.  The feeling that this person operates on a level that I could never relate to.  You have to admit, there is something mysterious about the stars–they seem untouchable.  I along with many others have this naive impression that the lives of the rich and famous are so easy– they have personal trainers, huge wardrobes and luxury homes.  They could never relate to my world and I could never relate to theirs.

Christie Brinkley’s appeared on the Today Show changed my opinion of celebrities in many ways.  For the first time, I didn’t see a famous person but I saw a person who I could relate to.  She had been victimized in the same ways that I had been victimized.  The square footage of her home and her designer shoes didn’t protect her from a Narcissist.  I sat with tears in my eyes as I watched her being re-victimized by Matt Lauer in the same way I am re-victimized in Starbucks by the person who just doesn’t understand.  I can’t tell you how many times I have heard someone say,  “Why can’t you guys just focus on the children instead of your hatred for each other?”.  It’s difficult enough to have that questions asked in Starbucks but to be put on the spot in front of millions was excruciating to watch.

Last week I had my monthly IVig infusion for Multiple Sclerosis and I was sharing my exciting news about seeing Chicago at the Pantages with my longtime nurse, Holly.  Another patient chimed in about her opinion of Christie Brinkley on the Today Show and was extremely unkind in her portrayal of the situation.  She was another person who just doesn’t get it.  I felt incredibly defensive as she berated Christie for appearing on the Today Show to “discuss her divorce” and I found myself defending her.  “She was NOT going on the show to discuss her divorce nor did she partake in the media circus”, I explained.  “No, but she should keep her private issues private“, she stated firmly.  “Many would say the same thing about my blog”, I went on to explain.  “I think by providing education and support, people aren’t left to suffer in silence”.

The conversation ended but I left furious.  Christie Brinkley broke the silence and has provided public education on this disorder that leaves so many women (and men) suffering in silence.  Not only did she break the silence but she did it with an amazing amount of class and grace.  She set an example for many of us and brought the spotlight onto a subject that greatly affects my children, her children and your children.  She has given me a larger audience in my fight to bring attention to Narcissistic Personality Disorder and eventually, I hope to use that larger voice to bring education where it matters most: The Family Court System.

I am extremely excited about my adventure to Los Angeles tomorrow because of the deep amount of respect and gratitude that I have for this person.  I will share pictures on my Facebook page so “like” me if you haven’t already :)

At the end of the day, we all want the same thing: “I just want peace”- Christie Brinkley, 2012

 

May13

What does Running a 10K have to do with Divorcing a Narcissist?

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What does Running a 10K have to do with Divorcing a Narcissist?

Yesterday I ran a 10K.  Not just any 10K.  This one had a lot of significance to me.

You are probably wondering what a 10K has to do with divorcing a narcissist.  In my world, it had a lot to do with my marriage, my divorce and life in general.  It was 6.2 miles of tears (real ones!) and sweat but it also brought tremendous insight, healing and growth.

During my marriage, I was critiqued at every turn.  If I ate the wrong foods then I was lectured about how many calories I was consuming.  If I ordered Fettuccine Alfredo then I was met with a look of disgust.  If I didn’t exercise for a week then I was lectured that I had just thrown 6 months of fitness down the drain by taking a break.  If he thought that my stomach bulged while bending over then he would bring home a book on how to obtain the perfect abs.  This was all occurring pre-children when my weight was around 115 lbs.  I believed I was fat.  No matter what I did, I was never good enough.

We used to run 5Ks together and it was the same story.  It was competitive.  I could hear his voice during the race saying, “you aren’t going to let her pass you–she’s 40lbs heavier”….”you aren’t going to let her sprint ahead of you to the finish line– she’s 15 years older”.  At the finish line, I was always given “constructive criticism” about my posture, my pace or what I could improve on for the next time.  I hated running because running equaled failure.

Three years ago, I ran my first 10K race from Morro Bay, California to the Cayucos Pier.   The race is called, “Miracle Miles for Kids” and it is on the most beautiful stretch of ocean (see photo above for a glimpse).  It was a few months after our separation and I had never run that far in my life.  I signed up for the race and it became a mental, emotional and physical challenge for me.  I felt like I was finally running away from his voice.  As fast as I ran, I could still hear him every single time someone “heavier” or “older” passed me.

This weekend, I ran the same race.  I hadn’t trained (and can barely walk today!) yet there was some force in me that had been eating at me for weeks to sign up.  I remained non-committal until the morning of the race.  I wanted to run it.  I needed to run it.  I laced up my shoes and we headed for the race.

At the start of the race, I didn’t have the normal pre-race jitters.  There was no anxiety about my performance.  I knew I wasn’t going to be critiqued.  I was out there to cross the finish line and if someone heavier or older passed me, I cheered for them inside.  That person who was 30lbs heavier could be on the tail end of a 400lb weight loss.  That person who was 15 years older than me could have been training for this race and by God, they deserved to pass me.  I knew that when I crossed the finish line, there would be no one to tell me what I could’ve/should’ve done differently.  I knew there would be three people waiting at the end who were proud of me for signing up and completing the race.

The race was symbolic of life.  There were rough patches to cross, boulders to go around, streams to run through and even places where my feet sank into the sand and I felt immobile.   There were people on the sidelines cheering us on and there were some people who lent me a hand as I crossed the rocky parts.  There were others who were so consumed with their own battles that they didn’t even think to assist those around them– I connected with those people also.  Sometimes its important to fasten your own oxygen mask before assisting others.  Each person was on their own journey yet we were all on a journey to the finish line– together.

When I started the race, I had no idea how much I would personally grow from running 6.2 miles.  It was a reminder of how far I have come and how much I have healed.  The race was brutal and beautiful at the same time– I laughed inside when thinking of where I was three short years ago and how far I had come since then.  I cried while running from mile #2 to mile #3 –partially from emotions and partially because I was in physical pain.  In all honesty, I thought of many of you and your stories while running– I reflected on the fact that One Mom’s Battle has many faces.

I completed 6.2 miles in 1 hour, 17 minutes and 8 seconds.

Thank you for being apart of my race– my journey— my healing. -Tina xoxo

 

Additional resources: click here.

 

May10

Divorce Isn’t Always Bad

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Divorce Isn’t Always Bad

Over the past five years, I’ve lost four of my grandparents.  Two of them have passed in 2012– one last weekend.  It’s made me more aware of life and the short period of time that we have to enjoy our time here.  It also makes me more determined to not take a single day, person or experience for granted.

I have come to realize through this loss that divorce doesn’t always need to have a negative label on it.  Take my grandparents (father’s side) for example.  My grandparents divorced when I was very young and they each remarried.  My step-grandfather and step-grandmother were both extremely positive influences in my life.  Together, my grandparents weren’t happy.  Once they spread their wings and took flight, they found happiness.  They found love.  I saw this love and it will stay with me for the rest of my life.  I have a great deal of respect for both of these individuals who became a part of my world through a divorce.

There are critics who claim that I’ve ruined my daughter’s lives by leaving my marriage.  There are women out there that are afraid to leave their marriage because they worry about the impact on their children. I disagree.  When I left my marriage, I was mentally prepared to be a single mother forever if that is what was intended for me.  It took me a long time to get to that point but when I was done; I was done.  I wanted my daughters to see examples of real love.  I didn’t want them to end up walking in my shoes one day.  My daughters were just under the ages of 2 and 4 years old.  I didn’t know what was going to happen and I was terrified.  I knew that I couldn’t stay any longer.

I know in my heart that I made the right decision.

The love that my grandparents found serves as a reminder to me that I did the right thing.  That is the type of love that I want my daughters to know.

May8

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Done Being a Victim

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Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Done Being a Victim

 

When does it end?  That is a question that I ask myself often.  It’s a question that my loved ones ask of me.  It’s a loaded question.  I have accepted that until my daughters are grown; the battle will never completely end. I have accepted that.

I want to clarify one thing: Acceptance doesn’t mean allowing myself to be victimized. It does allow me to set personal boundaries and have a plan in place of how I am going to react to things as they come up.   I am done being a victim.  I get to choose my reaction and I get to decide how each new event will affect me.

The real question is when does this end or where does it go from here?  Over the past five months, I have opened a window into my life.  I have gone back in time and written my story for the world to read.  I continue to write my story as it unfolds.  I have experienced healing, knowledge and new friendships.  While unexpected, lots of good has come from the rubble of my divorce and custody battle.

There are a few websites and Facebook sites that I follow which pertain to NPD.  One such Facebook page is After Narcissistic Abuse- There is Light, Life and Love.  I reader posed a good question which appeared on their Facebook page today:

I am reaching a point where I feel my healing has progressed to a point where even discussing anything narcissist is keeping some shred of thought of her in my mind.  When is the right time to let go of a narc by taking the step of not even discussing them on forums?  At what point do we draw the line with having been involved with a narcissist? Is it when we feel safe enough to heed the narcissist in everyday life? Is it when we’re over the hurt, pain & grieving?  Is it when we’re finally able to go No Contact without them dragging us into court with their lies / battle for control?

My thoughts:

I have pondered this topic often.  I don’t allow this topic to consume my life– it is shelved for my blog and my Facebook page. I feel like I can help others who are walking in my former shoes. I remember the desperation and feelings of isolation– while I had a huge network of friends, not one person could understand what I was going through. Everyone said the same thing, “Why can’t you two just put the kids first and get along“…that simple statement caused my pain and isolation to increase 100 times over.  I cringed as the same question was asked of Christie Brinkley on the Today Show.  People have no idea what it is like and victims are met with harsh judgement.  The idea of helping others who feel isolated and alone is worth letting this topic occupy a small place on my shelf.

Not an entire shelf — a place on a shelf. 

What next?

  • I will continue to blog and to share my story as it develops.
  • I am writing a book to help others who have fallen victim to a Narcissist.
  • I will continue to help other women with advice and inspiration as needed.
  • I will work to ensure that my experiences in the court system were not in vain.  I will work to ensure that your experiences in the court system were not in vain.  I will work to spread awareness, educate the media, the public and eventually the Family Court System.
  • I will continue to be the voice for my daughters until they are able to defend themselves.
  • I will continue to smile, live in gratitude and have faith that I was given this life because I was strong enough to live it.

For additional resources, please click here

May7

Narcissism and Emotions

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Narcissism and Emotions

I can be too sensitive-  I know this about myself.

Over the ten years that X and I were together, I slowly learned to muffle my emotions.  Emotions made my X extremely uncomfortable. My biological mother was bi-polar and that was my X’s favorite thing to use against me.  If I cried about something then he was “concerned” that I was going to ‘end up just like her’.  Over time, I became so good at stuffing my emotions deep inside that I refused to cry in his presence.  I did not want to give him any opportunities to throw my mother’s issue into my face.

I lost my Grandfather over the weekend and I opened the floodgates.  In the past, I would have held it in until I was in the safety of a running shower or alone in my car.  Even in the event of something so tragic, I would have contained myself.  I realize now how unhealthy and inhuman this is.  My counselor pulled out a coffee cup and a box of tissues to demonstrate what I was doing.  She began shoving tissues into a cup.  As the cup filled, the tissues began to overflow and were hanging out despite her best attempts to push them down.  It was a good analogy of what I was doing– the plan worked in the beginning but with time I would overflow.

When I got the news of my Grandfather’s passing, I cried uncontrollably and “My Rock” was there to comfort me.  I didn’t feel judged and I didn’t feel the need to hide my emotions in an attempt to protect someone else from feeling uncomfortable about something so human.  It was another reminder of how thankful I am to be in a healthy, loving environment where I can be myself– happy, sad, joyful or angry.  I am loved for who I am and I don’t need to pretend to be something different.  Despite the ups and downs of this roller coaster, I am thankful that my children will see what love is all about.

May4

Co Parenting with a Narcissist

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Co Parenting with a Narcissist

I was looking through the terms that people commonly “Google” when the universe brings them to my blog.  The most common search term is, “Co Parenting with a Narcissist“.  There are obviously a lot of us.  There are obviously a lot of people who worry about their children during visitations and a lot of people who live with a pit in the bottom of their stomachs.  I wish that I would have known to Google that term a few years back as it would have given me a little glimpse into my future.

While it’s easy to Google, it’s difficult for me to actually say the words, “Co-Parent”.  In my world, that term is almost laughable except for the simple fact that my daughters are involved.  That part causes the humor to dissipate quickly.  I would hardly describe my situation or anyone who is involved with a Narcissist as “co-parenting”.  When I envision an airplane and a co-pilot, I automatically think of someone who is equally qualified to fly an airplane.  A person who is trained, admirable and takes his/her job very seriously.

I don’t have a co-parent.  I have someone who is manipulative, evil and self-centered.  I have someone who’s entire goal and motivation in this battle is to win at all costs.

If I did have a co-parent then I would have zero anxiety about tomorrow’s visitation.  If I did have a co-parent then I wouldn’t worry about my daughters’ safety when they are in his care.  I wouldn’t have to worry about the influence that he has on my daughters or the emotional harm that he can do to them in a brief window of time.

I wish that I had a co-parent.  I wish that my daughter’s had two parent’s who were both capable and loving.

CO-PARENT: a person (as a noncustodial parent) who shares parental duties with a custodial parent.

Click here for resources for NPD

May2

Tackling His Alcohol Problems

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Tackling His Alcohol Problems

The one positive thing about my X having an attorney is that he is “muzzled” a bit.  The crazy has subsided for the most part as I am sure he is under strict orders to maintain a facade of normalcy.

In court, my X admitted that he has a problem with alcohol and he is facing those issues head-on by attending the required classes.  By admitting that he is aware of the problem and is working to fix it, he scored a few brownie points with the Commissioner.

Was I the only one in the courtroom that latched onto the key word, “Required”.  The classes are required if you have a DUI or Wet & Reckless.  In 2010, it was noted that he took 15 Alcoholics Anonymous classes due to a “Drunk in Public” charge.  If he was charged with a DUI in 2011, it doesn’t seem like he learned anything from those classes.  Feel free to call me skeptical….

As I type, I am sitting in a coffee shop and a mutual acquaintance wandered over to “gossip” that he saw my X in a local bar a week ago.  This isn’t just any bar- this is the local tavern that wreaks of urine and Jack Daniels.  This is the tavern that the real pros frequent.  There were several “X sightings” over the past week and all involved bars.  I am glad to see that he is taking the bull by the horns and owning this alcohol issue.  Can you tell I am a bit annoyed by the performance in court?

My other vent for the week: the phone calls.  The court order states that he can call at 6:30pm every other day.  There are some occasions (usually near a court date) that he is very regular and other times when we will go a week without hearing from him.  On Sunday afternoon, the girls were watching a movie and I was enjoying a somewhat relaxing afternoon.  My phone rang at 3:30pm and it was my X.  I ignored the call.  Monday afternoon, my phone rang again at 3:30pm.  I ignored it.  It rang again at 3:35pm.  I ignored it.  He called again at 4pm and thinking that this surely must be an emergency, I answered the call.

Me: Hello?

X: I am calling to talk to my daughters.

Me: This is not your call time.  Your call time is 6:30pm.  (They were in gymnastics at the time).

X: I CALLED YOU AT 6:30, 6:45 AND NOW 7PM.  PUT MY DAUGHTERS ON THE PHONE NOW, TINA! I WANT TO TALK TO MY DAUGHTERS.  You need to STOP doing this.

Me: It is 4pm- I have no idea what you are talking about?

X: (silence)….Oh….um….okay.  My alarm is set on East Coast time.  I will call back later.

###

Speechless.

Click here for resources for NPD

May1

Reflections: Criticism and Feeling Vulnerable

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Reflections: Criticism and Feeling Vulnerable

I am on a journey of self discovery.  A little “walkabout” for the soul.  Sometimes its a bit painful because I am forced to examine my own flaws and insecurities.  I spend a lot of time trying to understand the “hows” and “whys” of my life.  I feel that if I can understand the past then I won’t repeat the past.

This week I discovered something about myself:  I don’t like being criticized.

It brings up a range of emotions.

It makes me cringe.

It makes me feel vulnerable.  I don’t like feeling vulnerable.

Feeling vulnerable makes me want to build a huge wall around my heart to keep from being hurt.

Feeling vulnerable makes me want to flee.  It scares me.

I have a great deal of experience being on the receiving end of criticism.  Some would call me a “pro”.  Anyone who has been in a relationship with a Narcissist knows what I am talking about.  It starts in very subtle ways.  The criticism is delivered in such small, manipulative doses that you don’t even realize it’s happening.  It builds over time and the delivery is no longer soft.  It becomes more frequent and sometimes it is even delivered in front of other people.  It can be humiliating.  Criticism breaks you down and unlike attending boot camp, it never builds you back up again.

If the rain gutter clogged and resulted in a roof leak– somehow it was my fault.  I should have planned ahead because I knew rain was coming.  If something spilled in the refrigerator then it was also my fault.  If I could just learn to think ahead at all times then I could avoid these issues and in turn, avoid being criticized.  It escalated every year- more and more criticism.  I walked on eggshells.  I started to believe that I could never be good enough.Over time, I grew accustomed to the emotional attacks.  I started to lose myself in a desperate attempt to be perfect.

Today I came across an article titled, “How to Handle Criticism & Conflict for Improved Self Esteem and Relationships”.

Wait.  “Criticism and Conflict for improved self-esteem and relationships”???  I was sure there was a typo in the headline but decided to read further and I’m glad I did.  It was a light bulb moment for me.

  • Change the meaning of criticism from “I’m not good enough” or “I’m a failure” to “Someone is asking me to listen …” If you don’t, you’ll focus on bathing in a sense of inadequacy and withdraw into yourself.
  • Listening doesn’t mean agreement and criticism doesn’t equate to “I must change to stop disapproval”.
  • Criticism isn’t the same as disapproval of you as a person or rejection. Listen to the feedback. Is it actually a message saying that you are a ‘less than’ person? Or is that how you see it?
  • Criticism and conflict also doesn’t mean that a relationship is over or on the way to being so. Part of being a mature adult in a relationship is being able to have a disagreement or not always hear what you want to hear, and not put the relationship in jeopardy each time. You’re then both free to be available and truly intimate with one another.
  • Someone’s criticism isn’t always accurate or the right thing for you. You can listen to it, let it percolate, consider the suggestions and look at where it fits with your agenda and your values, and then choose a course of action that’s right for you.

I personally believe that to heal and progress, I need to accept that not all criticism is meant to break a person down.  In a healthy (key word) relationship it can actually cause one to do some soul-searching and to grow as a person.  Criticism doesn’t have to be bad when its delivered in a healthy way.

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