Tag Archives: parental alienation syndrome

Confirmation- In Writing

Confirmation- In Writing

This morning I went to the courthouse to pick up our court order from last Wednesday.  As I already knew, it was pretty straightforward and stated (word for word):

The Petitioner shall email the Respondent 24 hours in advance to let her know he will exercise visitation, if no email is received visitation is cancelled”. 

This new order protects my daughters from the constant disappointment of waiting at the pick-up location when he doesn’t show up for visitations.  My goal isn’t to keep them from their father– he is who he is and they will figure that out on their own without my help.  If he doesn’t email us to confirm visitation then it allows us to make other plans and go on with our life.  My goal is to stop his ability to rule our lives which is what he thrives on.

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To Re-Cap: This weekend, the X and I had a “stand-off” pertaining the most recent court order.  The problem, I didn’t have it in-hand to prove what the judge had ordered.  We were in court on Wednesday and it usually takes a few days for the order to hit our file.  I am well-versed in the court timelines by this point.  In my mind, the order was pretty clear.  I assumed (wrongly) that he understood the order as well.  I knew it wouldn’t sit well with him because it was another rule that he had to follow– he doesn’t like rules.  He doesn’t like being told what to do.

Friday came and went– no email.  Saturday morning, as expected– he was at the pick-up location and insisting that I bring the girls immediately.  Threats followed– he was calling the police…he said I was vindictive…he said that I was “this- that- and the other”.  The email rant followed the voice mails– accusing me of Parental Alienation Syndrome…accusing me of having Lupus versus Multiple Sclerosis (he MUST be smarter than my doctor who graduated from Harvard, right?)…on…and on….and on.

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Music is therapeutic for me and the right song always seems to come on at the right time– Christine Aguilera’s song, “Fighter” just came on and Wikipedia describes it this way, “This video shows the metamorphosis of Aguilera’s slow, yet steady progression of her inner-strength, from being heartbroken, to becoming unbreakable”.

I have inner strength– that’s what got me through this.  It’s been a process.

I feel unbreakable– that too has been a process.

Parental Alienation Syndrome

Parental Alienation Syndrome

My ex-husband’s “Aunt N” works as an advocate for special needs children in the San Francisco Bay Area.  She is the person who has given him legal advice, encouraged him to lie (see previous post, “Steps to Ponder“), falsified stories and documents while encouraging him to drop legal terms such as Parental Alienation Syndrome.

I don’t doubt for a moment that there are parents who fall into this category.  When they first started dropping the term, I looked into the syndrome.  I fit none of the criteria.  I have never once bad-mouthed him to my children let alone tried to turn my children against him.  It’s absurd.  In fact, I deal with the exact opposite: him speaking poorly about me in front of the girls.  It’s escalated to the point that my oldest daughter brings it up daily because it bothers her so much.  She has expressed that she doesn’t want to go to his house because of these issues.

I want to repeat– I’m sure this syndrome exists.  In my particular case, it does not.

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Joan Meier, Executive Director of Domestic Violence Legal Empowerment and Appeals Project (DV LEAP), said, “PAS was invented to defeat child abuse claims – and it has been remarkably successful in misleading family courts into believing that women who are sincerely trying to protect their children and themselves from abuse, are just seeking to end the children’s relationship with their noncustodial father.”

Meier states that research has shown that children become “alienated” from a parent for a variety of valid reasons, most often resulting from the parent’s own negative behavior and relationship with that child.

“The proponents of ‘parental alienation syndrome’ are purveying invalid junk science that is not even legally admissible.   PAS has been emphatically rejected by the Presidential Task Force of the American Psychological Association and by the National Council of Juvenile & Family Court Judges.  Leading researchers in the field of custody have agreed that PAS has no scientific validity and the only courts to address the issue have found it inadmissible,” said Meier.

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So, if Parental Alienation Syndrome exists in our case, it is not in the way he is claiming.  He is personally starting on a path to alienate our daughters from ever having a healthy, loving father-daughter relationship with him.

He alone is creating this syndrome by his own actions.

  • My daughters are learning that they can’t depend on him when he doesn’t show up for visitations.
  • They are learning that he speaks poorly of their mother in their presence.

I want nothing more then for them to have a healthy, stable relationship with their father.  I want him to be healthy for them.  I want him to get help and be emotionally available.  I don’t know if that is possible.  It’s what I pray for.

Why I know I am stronger

Why I know I am stronger

I recently met a woman who reminds me of myself 2.5 years ago.  She is in the beginning stages of her divorce and she has the same look I used to have– the scared, caged animal look.  The constant fear— always looking over your shoulder.  Never knowing where the next “assault” was going to come from– email, text, phone or in person.  Never knowing if “he” was going to be lurking in my neighborhood or peering through my window.  It’s not a fun way to live and my heart goes out to all of the beautiful woman who have recently taken their first steps on this journey.

I don’t have the answers but I wish that I could explain to these women what I do know:  You will look back on this one day and feel strong.  I wouldn’t have believed it at the time but I know it as truth. 

Today, I feel strong. (Yes, that warranted a “BOLD” command)

I opened my email this morning and there was an email from “him”.

Not too long ago, I would have cringed at the sight of his name in my inbox.  My heart would have started pounding as I skimmed the email for anything important.  I would have started shaking as I read the series of assaults– attacking my looks, my weight, my significant other, my family, my job, my lack of a college degree, etc….on…and….on.  I would have forwarded it to my family members and then I would have been “on edge” for hours. Shaken.

Not today.

Today, he doesn’t have that power. I am strong.

I opened the email and it was almost predictable– an intro about tomorrow’s visitation and then a series of  threats and attacks.

I had emailed him this week about calling me T-Rex in front of the girls.  My email was very brief– I said that obviously, he is entitled to feel anyway he wants but please don’t talk poorly about me in front of the girls.

He acknowledged that he calls me T-Rex and then dove straight into his normal ramblings and threats:

  • He accused me of quizzing the girls about their visits so they feel they must “tell” on their dad.  They are confused.  That is why my daughter told me about his name-calling.
  • I am purposefully creating a Parental Alienation Syndrome.
  • He is planning to report me to Child Welfare Services since the judge won’t listed to his complaint about my blog.

Why I know I am stronger– I see through him.  I can almost predict him.   He doesn’t affect me any longer.  I opened his email and it didn’t bother me at all.  In a way, I feel pity for him. 

1. He spins everything back and is unable to accept fault for anything.  This is who he is to his core.  He admitted to calling me “T-Rex” but then spun it around so that it is my fault that my daughter told me about it.  I watched him do this in every situation through our marriage– with employees, banks, family and friends.

2. His threats don’t work anymore.  Child Welfare Services?  Parental Alienation Syndrome?  Please.

3. He then went on to attack me for still using an email with my married name in the address.  “Do you have another email that does not have (my name)  in the address?  The judge gave you back your maiden name months ago”.

I saw the email…I read the email…I closed the email.  No feelings elicited.  No heart pounding.  Nothing.

I see him for who he is and I’ve given up on the hope that he can act in a healthy, rational manner.

I have come a long way from that caged animal look that I once wore.  I am strong today and I will be strong tomorrow.