Tag Archives: narcissistic personality disorder

Tina Swithin survived a Category Five Divorce Hurricane and has taken shelter in her book titled, “Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and in her blog, “One Mom’s Battle.” Tina’s ultimate goal is to bring education and change to the Family Court System. Tina resides in sunny California with her fiancé, two daughters and three-legged tortoise named, “Oliver.”

Divorcing a Narcissist: Finding my Life Mission

Divorcing a Narcissist: Finding my Life Mission

purposeby Tina Swithin

I plopped down on a therapist’s couch for the first time when I was in my early 20’s. That visit was prompted by a severely dysfunctional relationship that thankfully, came to an end. One of the first goals I set with the therapist was to sort through my baggage and make healthier relationship decisions moving forward. More than anything, I wanted to avoid sitting in a therapist’s office at the age of 35. I even verbalized this fear to my therapist.

Fast forward to 2009 and as a 35-year old woman, I found myself sitting on yet another therapist’s couch. My worst fear had come to fruition. After a 10 year relationship to the man I originally thought was Prince Charming, I was in the fight of my life trying to protect my two young daughters in a custody battle that garnered international media attention. The wise relationship choice that I believed I was making turned out to be a marriage that was shiny and pretty on the outside but cold, dark and ugly on the inside. Unbeknownst to me, I had married a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

During my 4-year custody battle, I acted as my own attorney and endured the following:

  • Over thirty court dates consisting of both trials and hearings.
  • Two full custody evaluations.
  • Six-hundred plus hours devoted to trial and hearing preparation, research, documentation and court dates.
  • Twelve police reports ranging from violations of the court orders to the more severe such as breaking into my home.
  • Three investigations by Child Welfare Services which ultimately determined my ex-husband to be a “moderate risk” yet did nothing to help my children.

In July of 2013, my custody battle came to an end when I secured professionally supervised visits and ultimately, my daughter’s safety. To say that I felt a sense of relief may be the understatement of the century. All of the sleepless nights, the tears, the fear and the anxiety came to a screeching halt with one final strike of the Judge’s gavel.

Looking back, I have every right to be angry at the system that failed my children for so long. I could throw rocks at the sky and ask what I did to deserve this life altering battle. I’ve could continue to feed and nourish my anger which would ensure that the anger would thrive and leave me consumed by bitterness for the rest of my life or, I could choose a different path.

As I approach my 40th birthday and reflect on the advice that I’ve picked up over the years, I’ve always held onto a quote that made sense but I couldn’t find the connection in my life until recently: “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” – Confucius. Some people have light bulb moments and others, like me, have brief and sporadic flashes of light similar to what happens when a boat is searching for a lighthouse on a foggy night. Once the light cuts through the fog, the ride to shore is smooth.

This battle has changed my life in more ways than I ever thought possible. This battle has become my life because it’s given me the ability to help others by sharing my story of perseverance and providing hope. I have taken my experiences and turned them into a blog, books and now, my life passion which is to coach other parents who find themselves facing a narcissist in the uneducated Family Court System. I have taken the maps and the tools that I used to navigate the choppy waters of a high conflict divorce and I teach others to do the same.

One thing that I have learned during this battle is to lean on my faith and accept that everything does happen for a reason. Trusting that I was placed on this path to help others has been life changing. Instead of being angry and bitter, I have made the choice to take the lemons that were handed to me and to whip up a huge batch of lemonade for those who are on the battlefield of the Family Court System. I believe that there is purpose to my pain and I am using the knowledge that I’ve gained in an effort to help others.

If you are in the trenches and fighting for your children, my message for you is to never give up. I have personally witnessed the most dire cases turn completely around. I am inspired daily by the warrior parents that I meet and I am encouraged by their stories. I will continue to work diligently to bring awareness to Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its affect on the Family Court System. I hope you will join me by speaking up and sharing you story whenever you are afforded the opportunity. Have faith that everything is happening for a reason and while you may not understand the reason now, it will make sense to you one day. Together, we can work to highlight the issues that are so pervasive in the Family Court System.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”  -Margaret Mead  

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

The Narcissistic Damage: Repair Your Foundation

The Narcissistic Damage: Repair Your Foundation

collegeby Tina Swithin

For the most part, I stand on pretty solid ground. Just a few years ago, my foundation was cracked and unstable. Through education on NPD, sharing my story and hearing so many of your stories, I have repaired the cracks and rebuilt my life. Every once in a while, a “blast from the past” otherwise known as that damn Narc voice is whispering to me in the background and throws me off a bit.

Back in 2001 when I was dating Seth, he obsessed on the fact that I didn’t have a college degree and reminded me of this fact often. I allowed him to make me feel inferior. I was an entrepreneur by nature and had taken the business classes that I needed from our community college. I didn’t feel that I needed to obtain a degree to do what was doing. From there, I proceeded to create several (successful) small companies. While I was proud of my accomplishments, I often felt judged and finally decided to enroll in college to gain Seth’s approval.

I did a full year in college before Seth and I started a new business together and because of the work demands, he told me to hold off on enrolling for the fall/2002 semester. At the time, I was thrilled to step away from college for many reasons. Looking back, I was in college for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to please Seth and gain his family’s approval. I didn’t have a clear direction or passion in college, I was just going through the motions and feeling criticized at every turn.

Fast-forward twelve years and here I am. My career has taken a direction that I never planned and I feel college calling my name but for all the right reasons this time. This week, I enrolled in the fall semester of my local college with the hopes of transferring to Cal Poly to major in Psychology. In this process, I needed to order my transcripts from the Bay Area college that I attended. Sounds easy, right?

This is where that damn doubt comes in. My memory of college consists of stress and criticism. I didn’t have the proper study habits or discipline to succeed according to Seth so he insisted that I take a course on how to study effectively. He reminded me often that I needed his help. He came to my counseling appointments and micro-managed every move that I made. He dictated whether I changed from the option of a grade to credit/no credit as he didn’t want my GPA affected by a B or a C grade. Those grades were simply unacceptable.

I ordered my transcripts last week and then the doubt really set in. I remember being proud of myself but much of that time period was a blur so I was afraid to open the transcripts when they came yesterday. I almost laughed out loud when I saw the transcripts. I left with a 4.0 overall GPA.  Geeze — I’m such a failure!  🙂

Don’t let those voices creep in. Lock them out. If they try to sneak in then repeat an affirmation that puts you right back on a positive track. The narcissist does not deserve an ounce of your time or mind space! Did I mention that I am going to start college?  Wooo hoooo!!!!  🙂

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

 

Divorcing a Narcissist: 11 Months Post Seth

Divorcing a Narcissist: 11 Months Post Seth

narc decoderby Tina Swithin

As I sit here typing, I can hear my daughter’s phone ringing in the background as it does every Monday night. Tonight is Seth’s night to call the girls however, for the past five weeks, they have refused to talk to him. They can’t really verbalize why they’ve decided to go on strike and ignore his calls, they simply say that they don’t want to talk to him. I’ve reached out to my daughters’ therapist and was told not to force the calls. Now MY phone is ringing and before I know it, there may be a new text assault launched with fresh new accusations of parental alienation syndrome.

As many of you know, last July, I was successful in obtaining a final custody order for supervised visits after a 6-month long parenting evaluation validated everything that I had been saying for 4.5 years. I knew leaving the courtroom on July 10, 2013 that we would not see Seth for a very long time. His ego can not handle supervised visits and as predicted, we are coming up on eleven months without seeing Seth.

When Seth’s visits ended, a lot of other things ended. The girls’ nightmares came to a screeching halt. My youngest daughter’s daytime, anxiety filled potty accidents ceased within two weeks. Soon after the visits ended, my daughter’s therapist met a new child who seemed to emerge from a stress-filled cocoon and morph into a more confident, silly little butterfly. We also found peace and discovered what childhood should look like outside the confines of a high-conflict custody battle.

Last Monday night after the girls declined Seth’s calls repeatedly, I received a series of text messages from Seth such as this one:

“You’ve blocked me from contact with my daughters. I can’t text (them). You won’t let me talk to them.  I don’t have enough money left after all you get (child support) to travel, pay for overnights and pay a third party. How about I go to counseling with them? This is tragic for their little minds and hearts. Read what you’ve done. It’s clear and evident from everyone I have discussed this with. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_alienation_syndrome

The texts continued through the night:

“And you think it’s healthy for Piper and Sarah to be cut off from their dad? If you care, share this video with them, Tina. This is the last weekend they saw me.”

“I guarantee you they miss me all the time. You can reverse the damage you have done.”

Out comes the Narc Decoder:

“I have chosen to blow my $7,000 per month salary on bars and alcohol versus spending money to rent a car and hire a supervisor to visit the girls. You are probably wondering why I don’t have car any longer? It got repossessed because I refuse to live within my means. You have to understand how difficult it is to impress the ladies without a car.

I am hoping that you will forget that huge episode last year when I wanted to meet with Piper and her therapist — I know that Piper doesn’t want me to attend therapy with her but since when have I ever cared what the girls want? Oh and by the way, I’ve recently started diagnosing by Wikapedia and according to my thorough research, you have a disorder that causes you to protect our children from abuse. Damn you. 

Do you think its really healthy for the girls to live a peaceful, normal childhood far away from my superior genes and influence? Without me in their lives, they are going to grow up to be below average just like you. Please share this video with them. This video is the last weekend that I spent with them. To refresh your memory, this is the weekend that I took them to a bar and drank alcohol against court orders. After that fun little episode, I put them in the car and drove them with alcohol in my system because I am really that arrogant and as we all know, court orders do not apply to me. Court orders are for the regular members of society – not men like me. This was also the weekend my parents were visiting. In this video, you will see my stellar performance that I refer to as, “Tales of Super Dad.” I was putting on my best performance in this particular episode because my mom, Cleo, was filming and I’m still trying to convince her that I am normal. She captured my normalcy on tape!  Further proof that you are lying about me! Ha!

I guarantee that the girls miss me. How could they not?! I mean, after all….I lie to them, physically hurt them, emotionally abuse them. What is NOT to miss with this stellar McDaddy package? You can reverse the damage that you’ve done (to ME) by letting bygones be bygones and just forgetting about the past five years. You’ve always been one to hold grudges…very sad and pathetic if you ask me.”   

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at www.tinaswithin.com

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield (Foreword)

Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield (Foreword)

Front coverby Rebecca Davis Merritt 

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or other Cluster B personality disorders such as Antisocial and Borderline) emotionally abuse those in their daily family lives. This emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence affecting the other parent, children, extended family, and institutional settings (school and family court) have to deal with this abuse. Narcissistic parents will harm their children even if they love them because their impaired empathy and hypersensitivity to real and imagined wrongs causes them to blame the other parent, to lash out at people they perceive to not be on their side, and to do everything in their power to convince the family court system of their superiority over the other parent. Narcissists vary in their abilities to hide their abusive side in the presence of esteemed others; those with better impression management skills are more successful in their court battles. If Narcissists gain primary custody of their children they usually move toward alienating the children from their other parent, delighting in not following parenting time guidelines or court documents.  If they do not gain primary custody they generally moved toward painting the other parents as responsible for their estrangement from the children instead of acknowledging behaviors directed toward the other parent and children have made the children distrusting of them and skeptical of spending safe time with them. The narcissist will try to use parental alienation by the healthy parent to convince the court of the need to switch custody.  Such a switch places the children in a consistently emotionally and/or physically abusive environment. The Narcissist “gaslights” the children and other parent, trying to convince them that the other parent is at fault for everything, cannot be trusted, and that the children MUST obey and support him/her at every moment.  Phone calls or Skype parenting time with other parent will be heavily monitored, children will be coached, and contact will end if they misspeak.  Clear guidelines need to be placed in parenting time documents regarding no monitoring of electronic parenting time, no confiscation of tablets or phones used in this communication, with sanctions outlined for violation.

Tina Swithin, is a dynamic individual with a mission to increase awareness of narcissism and its impact upon shared parenting and divorce among the judges, CPS workers, Guardian ad litems, Parenting Coordinators, and attorneys handling divorce and custody cases in our family court systems. Her Facebook group is viewed by thousands of people navigating the treacherous courtroom terrain associated with leaving a narcissist and protecting their children from narcissistic rage, gas lighting, and emotional abuse. Her online community is a village of survivors united in problem solving and making positive educational and dynamic changes in the family court system.  Tina and her village hope to get court personnel to realize that one disturbed individual can create and maintain high conflict divorce cases inundating the court with years of unnecessary grievances while tasking the economic and psychological resources of the unaffected parent.  The demand upon the court’s time created by vengeful narcissists could be lessened if court personnel could identify patterns associated with Cluster B personality disorders, recognize the need of a thorough psychological evaluation for such people, understand the need for clear sanctions (including making the disturbed parent responsible for legal representation bills of the other parent), and take timely steps to protect children and the other parent. It is my fervent hope that Tina’s books will make their way into the courtrooms of every family court judge as well as all domestic violence agencies.

Tina developed her expertise and knowledge the hard way – marrying and divorcing a narcissist.  I (Rebecca Davis Merritt); developed my expertise the easy way, years of graduate school, obtaining the Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, working as a professor at Purdue University for more than 20 years where I taught doctoral students how to assess, diagnose, and treat individuals with personality disorders. My skill set included a good understanding of the dynamics driving Cluster B personality disorders.  When a family member married and divorced an individual with these dynamics I observed the damage experienced by children when the court is slow to recognize the severity of Cluster B disorders and fail to protect promptly children.  Court often assumes both parties are equally to blame for creating and maintaining a high conflict case, so the unaffected parent is treated as skeptically as the narcissistic parent.  This is confusing to the unaffected parent who often listens to the narcissist spouting lies in the courtroom and describing self as the most devoted, caring parent.  The courts may eventually recognize the need to take action and protect children of narcissistic parents but the slowness to take action results in prolonged emotional abuse during crucial developmental stages.  Thousands of men and women in the family court system are battling with a narcissist, their children are not being protected, and the court may grant primary custody to the narcissist who is able to glibly lie and manipulate in court.  Narcissistic parents voluntarily delinquent in child support will cry in court as they protest their undying love for their children and yet judges will fail to recognize the discrepancy between courtroom statements and their behaviors outside of the courtroom brought to the courts attention (not paying child support when they have the ability to do so, emotionally and/or physically harming the children, stalking/threatening the other parent etc.). When unaffected parents become anxious or depressed from dealing with the narcissist’s abusive behaviors, they may be deemed psychologically unstable, placing them at risk of losing custody to the abuser.  When their children report emotional abuse by the narcissistic parent, the courts and CPS too frequently conclude that the unaffected parent is alienating the children from the narcissistic parent.  It is a challenge of immense proportion to set and maintain appropriate boundaries within the family and within the family court setting with narcissists.  A careful reading of Tina’s book Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield (ISBN-10: 0615986344) will help the unaffected parent increase their coping strategies and skills in dealing with a narcissist and helping their children recognize when and how to set boundaries with their narcissistic parent.  This book will also be a valuable resource for all those participating in family court as it will help them develop an understanding of narcissism and its impact upon families and the court. Finally for those just learning about narcissism Tina’s first book “Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” (ISBN-10: 0615720552), “Divorce Poison” by Richard Warshak (ISBN-10: 0061862162), and “Splitting” by Bill Eddy (ISBN: 1608820254) should be useful.

NOTE FROM TINA: I thought it was very important to share this message and I encourage you to share Rebecca’s words with attorneys, GALs, social workers, Judges, etc.  Thank you for being a part of this amazing little village.

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at www.tinaswithin.com

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

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Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott: Watching a Narcissist in Action

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott: Watching a Narcissist in Action

toriby Tina Swithin

I still remember watching Beverly Hills 90210 in high school and being completely enthralled with the show as a 16-year old girl. I will be the first to admit that my guilty pleasure for years has been reality television. My interest in reality television has evolved in recent years due to my work surrounding personality disorders. The cameras seem to attract personality disordered individuals like moths on my porch light. I find myself fascinated that there isn’t more awareness surrounding Narcissistic Personality Disorder as it is increasingly prevalent and very obvious on shows like The Real Housewives and now, True Tori.

Yesterday, we received a message on the One Mom’s Battle Facebook page that said the following:

True Tori…is on Tuesday nights on the Lifetime channel (10Eastern/9Central). It’s a reality show following the aftermath of Tori Spelling’s cheating, alcohol/sex/drug addict husband and whether she is going to stay or leave him.

He is a classic narcissist or worse a sociopath narcissist who has Tori and her counselor jumping through his manipulative hoops. He is a masterful puppet master who does not own up to what he has done and he will not allow Tori to speak her feelings he is constantly interrupting and turning everything back to him.

If you go to Lifetime.com then click on “TrueTori” you can watch the first two episodes. It’s interesting to watch a narc in action from this side. And yes she cheated on her husband with this man but if you truly have educated yourself on the behavior of a narc especially love bombing, pity play, gas lighting abuse you will know that she was conned out of her marriage and right into a marriage with this narc. So out of respect of another women (Tori) who is just a victim of a narcissist I hope that you will give her the same respect that you deserve as a victim. Thank you.

I’ve grown up watching Tori Spelling on television and have watched her “Tori and Dean” reality television a handful of times over the years. Something never sat right with me as I watched their perfect life which always seemed too perfect. It reminded me of the fake life I once lived. I would see media stories about Tori discussing their money issues and then hear that Dean McDermott was angered by her honesty. Now, watching their current reality television series, “True Tori” has put all of the pieces together for me.  It’s almost painful to watch.

I encourage you to watch the episodes but I will warn you, his behavior is a trigger for anyone who has been with a Narcissist or a sociopath. I have watched Dean McDermott sit on the couch of Dr. Ann Wexler over the past two episodes and it brought up so many memories for me. I am in shock that the Doctor is actually being manipulated and jumping through the hoops McDermott is holding out for her. He is presenting classic narcissistic behavior and my heart goes out to Tori Spelling. I hope that she becomes educated on Narcissistic Personality Disorder quickly.

In true narcissistic fashion, Dean has taken his affair and turned it around to be Tori’s fault for not giving him enough sex (while she’s running around caring for four small children), he then creates a pity party surrounding his rough past and addictions and finally, he re-claims the spotlight whenever she tries to share her hurt or her feelings by talking about suicide and having a breakdown. If his breakdown is actually real, it has more to do that he has been exposed and nothing to do with the fact that he cheated on his wife.

Here is a link to the episodes on Lifetime: True Tori

I agree with the woman who posted on the Facebook page, it is very interesting to watch a narcissist in action.

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking Divorce Coaching through your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin through her coaching website at www.tinaswithin.com

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

Divorcing a Narcissist: The Phone Calls

Divorcing a Narcissist: The Phone Calls

step dadby Tina Swithin

It’s been over four months since we’ve seen Seth yet he continues to call every Wednesday night.

He often says things like, “I’m at Barnes and Noble and I’m going to buy you some books.” or, “I really miss you- I wish there was a way that I could see you.” or better yet, when Piper told him that she was going to start taking horse back riding lessons, he replied by saying, “I don’t know how I feel about that. It’s really dirty and muddy.”

My two cents:

  • You haven’t bothered to see your daughters in 4.5 months yet we are suppose to confer with you about how you FEEL about dirt and mud?
  • You COULD figure out a way to see your children. You are CHOOSING not too because your ego is bigger than your love for your daughters.

Today was a great reminder that my daughters will be okay. Better than that, they are thriving.  Today was Glenn’s birthday and Piper came into our bedroom this morning with a hand made card. The card said,

Dear Glenn- You are the best step-dad & dad ever! You are all of our dreams come true. You are the perfect Glenn. -Piper

Despite the damage that Seth can do in one phone call, Glenn and his relationship with the girls gives me hope that our story has a happy ending.

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a private forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com.

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s book, Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle” is available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: Your Life Should be a Lifetime Movie…

Divorcing a Narcissist: Your Life Should be a Lifetime Movie…

moviesby Tina Swithin

I have heard the same phrase repeated year after year, “You can’t make this stuff up- it could be a Lifetime movie!

Yes.

It could be a movie.

About two weeks ago, I received an email from a woman in Southern California who heard my battle cry. She has the same battle cry and recently stumbled upon my blog. I receive emails daily from people all over the world and sadly, we all have the same story. There are slight variations but its the same story:

Narcissistic Ex + uneducated Family Court System = Welcome to hell on Earth.

This email was different because the writer is actually a writer. She is a television writer in Los Angeles!!!!

Four days later, she drove all the way up from Los Angeles to meet with me. I love connecting with others who “get it” – I didn’t need to explain my story because she was living my story. There is a connection that those of us at OMB share and its impossible to find anywhere else. It’s a connection that you can feel deep in your soul.

To make a long story short, I am now holding a shopping agreement in my hands. My new OMB friend will be pitching my story in hopes of turning it into a 2-hour movie!!!!!! I am beyond thrilled at the potential reach that this could have in terms of the general public, those in the court system and young adults who are in the dating world. Everyone needs to be educated on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the foundation is being laid for that to happen!

Tina

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a private forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina at The Lemonade Club!

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s book, Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle” is available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

 

 

The Application to Marry a Narcissist

The Application to Marry a Narcissist

Dr NarcOn Wednesday, the Huffington Post ran an article titled, Deluded Surgeon’s Email Lists the Most Outrageous Requirements for a Woman We’ve Ever Seen.”

After reading the article in complete shock, I immediately thought the title should be changed to the following headline, “One Lucky Woman will Receive a Shiny New Narcissist with all the Bells and Whistles.” Many of the requirements reminded me of my own less-than-shiny narcissist, Seth.

Because I am not known to keep my mouth shut (thank you, freedom!) when it comes to this type of thing, I decided to lend my expertise to the situation and elaborate a little more on each of the requirements. I want to make sure that the lucky lady knows exactly when she’s getting into with the good doctor.

Below are the requirements and my explanation of each when processed through the trusty Narc Decoder:

  1. “Spent significant time (>1 yr) living in a city of 1 million or more.”

I need someone who appears “worldly” which makes for better conversations in social settings when I need to impress people. I also have a strong desire to impress my mom who doesn’t want me to end up with a country bumpkin.

  1. “Highly functional Type B (not a Type A because too similar, not a Type B who can’t get stuff done)”

I can’t handle an over-achiever who would complete and remove the spotlight from me. Did I mention that I am a highly-functional type A personality? Are you good at listening and taking notes?

  1. “Skinny (i.e. dress size 0-2, if you don’t know what that means (many men don’t) it means very skinny)”

A trophy wife feeds my ego and makes me the talk of the town amongst colleagues. Please be warned that I will be monitoring your food intake and ensuring that you never drink anything but non-fat milk in your coffee. Wait. Dairy causes weight gain. Scratch that.  You will live off of black coffee and salads without dressing.  You like lettuce, right?

  1. “Never does bad things because of values.”

I need someone who can provide balance because I lack values yet I like to brag about having them. I also like to shine the spotlight on others who do bad things but I am highly skilled at covering my tracks. Someone with good values and morals will make me look better and therefore, people will never doubt me.

  1. “Spent significant time in another country other than the US (either born somewhere else or lived out of the US for a total of a 6 months or more, not on a vacation, doing something like school or work)”

This helps tremendously when dinner conversations become stale and I’ve thoroughly bored everyone while talking about how accomplished I am. I need conversation topics that will impress our dinner guests. This by no means implies that I am seeking someone of another ethnic background – I would only date a Caucasian woman but don’t rush me, I will delve into the topic of racism on question #9.

  1. “Graduate degree or very good undergraduate school (more compatible since I went to 3 Ivy League schools i.e. Dartmouth, Columbia & Harvard, as well as Emory and my MBA from NYU)” –

Did I mention how important I am? Did you know that I went to 3 IVY League Schools? My overbearing mother and family would never approve of someone who didn’t fit their image of perfect genes and high intellect. Can you imagine the fine specimens…I mean CHILDREN….that our combined DNA….I mean, love….will produce? While you are taking notes, I’m going to order Mensa applications so we are fully prepared.

  1. “Wants kids in the next 1-2 years.”

With my superior genes, I am in a hurry to reproduce. I am also seeking to have 2.5 children because that is what society deems as ideal for American couples. If we are not able to reproduce within my time frame, it will of course be your fault. Something must be wrong with your eggs as someone of my caliber could never have issues with sperm count. I’ve personally had them studied in a lab and talk about perfection!  Whew! Perfect sperm right here!

  1. “An 8 out of the 1-10 scale — 9-10 is actually bad as it comes with a lot of downside.”

Someone who exudes perfection would take longer to tear down. I have some wiggle room with an “8” – I could point out the third left toe with a slight bend or the way her nose holes aren’t completely symmetrical. Did you know that perfect people have completely symmetrical nose holes? A perfect 9 or 10 would never think to eat dairy but an 8…think of the fun I could have when she reaches for that piece of cheese at a dinner party!

  1. “Caucasian (not black, not Hispanic, not Asian)”

See question #5 above. I’m a racist.

  1. “Altruistic, selfless”

Being completely selfless and consumed with my needs, likes and desires is detrimental to your well-being. Are you talking notes?

  1. “Gets along well with everyone”

I need someone who can smooth things over when I create waves. I need someone so likeable that I will be liked by association. I am a complete a-hole in case you haven’t noticed yet. I need someone who is easy-going and gets along with everyone but most importantly, me. Me. Me. Me.

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“Olivia” ~ Blog 5

“Olivia” ~ Blog 5

OliviaNote from Tina: There are many faces to this battle and I am currently featuring a total of six different people who are all affected by narcissism. Some are divorcing a narcissist, some share custody with a narcissist, one is a man who is affected by his ex-wife’s personality disorder and one is an amazing young woman who is away at college but still feeling the effects of her father’s narcissism. While we are all different, we share the same story—the same trials and tribulations.  There are many faces to this battle and I am happy to share them with you. -Tina

“Olivia” ~ Blog 5

Because I am a legal adult and attend school out of state, my dad has very little control over me anymore. The only thing he has to hold over my head is money. He has always used money as a bribe, but this year he has taken it to a whole new level.

To give you a bit of background: my dad is required to pay all school expenses up to a certain amount as stated in the agreement between he and my mom. He has decided that he is just going to ignore the agreement. He has always hated spending money on someone other than himself. My first semester of college, he told me a week before I left for school that I would need to take out a student loan, because he wanted to start a new business. After that experience, he waited until the last possible moment to pay my tuition. When he finally bought my textbooks, I got a 15 minute guilt trip. I would have to agree to visit him or do something for him. He knows how important school is to me so he knows exactly how to manipulate me.

This was all happening occurring at the same time that the collection calls began.  The summer before college, my dad made me sign up for gym because he thought I was too heavy. He made me put all the information in my name however, he agreed to pay for the membership. He never paid for the gym. I was getting at least 3 collection calls a day before I finally was able to put an end the calls.

This semester, my dad has decided that he’s not going to pay for my tuition or my textbooks. He said because I am not seeing him or talking to him that he won’t pay for college. Maybe it’s because of my personality, but I don’t understand how someone can go back on a promise or an agreement. It’s difficult for me to understand why my schooling has these strings attached.  I am angry and hurt that my dad doesn’t honor his agreement. While I will never understand what goes on in my dad’s mind, I am starting to understand why this may be happening to me.

A few weeks ago, I saw a pin on Pinterest that is a quote by Louie Giglio. It said “God is using your present circumstances to make you more useful for later roles in his plan“. I am beginning to realize that having a narcissistic  Father is only making me stronger. I am learning lessons about life every time he does something horrible. When he refused to pay for my textbooks, I am learning to better budget my money so that I could plan for other things he might not pay for. I have also learned that its okay to reach out for help. My university’s minister has played a key role in helping me through this journey with my dad. My dad contacted him claiming that I am not talking to him, and I am not doing well. I went to talk to him about what my dad said. The minister guessed my dad was not sharing the entire story. He offered to help me if my dad tried to see me or if my dad refused to pay tuition. I know that I will able to use the experiences with my dad at some point in the future.

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To see the rest of the posts from “Olivia,” click here.

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Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Ramblings of a Mad Man: Inside the Mind of a Narcissist

Ramblings of a Mad Man: Inside the Mind of a Narcissist

madmanToday is Seth’s parenting evaluation- he spent yesterday grooming them.  He took them shopping for new beds (they haven’t had overnight visits since 2011) and told them how important it was to tell the man (evaluator) how much fun they have with him.  They came home concerned about the possibility of overnight visits.  I told them both that adults are not allowed to tell them what to say– that is very wrong.  Mommy should never tell them what to say nor should daddy.  I told them that they should speak from their heart and use their voice.

On Wednesday the girls will meet with the evaluator alone and then I will meet with him on Thursday.  I have spent much of the weekend preparing for my meeting on Thursday.  I have saved hundreds of messages on my cell phone and it can only be titled as, “The Ramblings of a Mad Man” — if this evaluator can view these messages and NOT see Seth as insane….I don’t know what else to say.

As most narcissists do, Seth has a “chosen” child: Piper.  This was a text message that he sent me one night regarding his belief that Piper is a genius:

I am reading a book about people who are defined as genius. Piper might be one. Please have her read nightly. I’ll send you published papers if you’d like to attest to this. This has nothing to do with me. You are an idiot if you refuse to cultivate Piper or Sarah through extracurricular education. You lack so much…and its because of your upbringing and lack of cultivation. Lacking Culture or a groomed skill. Just looks. So sad.

These are just a small sample of text messages (ten) that he sent to his ex-girlfriend after discovering that she wrote a declaration regarding his mental instability:

1. The crazy narcissistic woman’s request was denied to take my children from me .  ( this is the one with 200 pages of herself online after she cheated on me while we’re married).  That narcissist. She’s very vindictive, much like you Kasia. How does feeling full of vengeance work for you both I wonder? Stressful? Aging? Negative? All of the above. I wouldn’t know because I shun people like you two from my life. Oh yeah, and all your negative bs you wrote to hurt two innocent children and turn the court against me, all your effort to be hateful to a man you said you loved as recently as July was in vain. Hope to see you at the gym soon to laugh at you aloud. Everyone I know here will know what you did factually. That’s the truth 

2. It’s “sent Kasia”. As in “That’s what he just sent” Learn English properly before you start taking advantage of American men.  I wasted my entire day responding to the lies you gave to my X wife…a woman you never met. You’re one vindictive, selfish woman Kasia. Having the ability to affect a Father’s lifelong relationship with his children. You should be ashamed of yourself. I am.  Janusz certainly would be. How do you sleep at night?!?

3. I wish you well. It’s sad you came into my divorce with a commissioner who sees through this.  Justice will prevail. I can’t believe you sunk to that level to contact my X wife Kasia. Unbelievable

4. Tomorrow Kasia. How you can consciously justify coming between me and my daughters to be vindictive because we once were in love but lost that because Aneta came. We had our own relationship and independence. You have no right to hurt my time with my daughters. Kasia how do you sleep

5. You are a terrible human being. Kasia you went 220 miles away to give my X, who you do not even know, you didn’t even know her name and then you give her things she can use in my divorce court.

6. You have the balls to talk to my X to hurt my daughters ability to have a relationship with their father.   How dare you Kasia.  Karma will treat you.

7. I was respectable about you to the guy who thinks you’re his girlfriend. You slept around whole you told me you only were with me. Going 220 miles to affect my relationship with my daughters is vindictive, selfish, immature and uncalled for. I was recovering from major losses in my life when I met You in 2009. Loss of my livelihood, loss of a wife, loss of love, loss of a business. Loss of my children. How Dare You Kasia!!!!

8. You are a human being that lacks a conscience.  You crossed the line, you don’t even know my children or my X.  How dare you

9. Let’s just let it go Kasia. I really am Sorry! Hope you have a great life and promising career. I really do. 

10. How dare you. That’s my Mom with my Girls. A woman with integrity who told me you’re a waste of my time last year. I hope you can’t sleep realizing you’ve damaged children. Innocent children with your vindictive, ” it’s a about me” attitude. No wonder you’re single. You’re destined for a lonely life after endlessly using people for money. (Photo of Cleo attached to message)

Most of these messages were sent one after another– some just minutes apart.  His ex-girlfriend sent me all of his emails, text messages and Facebook communication.  Is this from the mind of a healthy, functioning, 40-year old man?  We will soon see what the court thinks.

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Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.