Tag Archives: divorce coaching

One Mom’s Battle Updates from Tina Swithin

One Mom’s Battle Updates from Tina Swithin

Thank_You_Beach_620by Tina Swithin

There are so many changes happening with One Mom’s Battle – this particular blog post is bittersweet as it marks the end of a journey that has been full of extreme highs and lows, happiness, sadness and finally, peace. I had no idea that starting this blog in 2011 would alter the course of my life. At the time, I was just one mom. When I started this blog, I felt incredibly alone — the blog became my confidant, my outlet and my dear friend during the darkest period of my life. There were times that I wrote things that I never published – my deepest fears and most personal thoughts were captured both publicly and privately. The One Mom’s Battle movement is gaining momentum and we are headed in a direction that exceeds anything I ever dreamt possible. For that reason, this will be my last personal blog.

One Mom’s Battle (OMB) is no longer about me. This movement is SO much bigger than me- thanks to all of you.

One Mom’s Battle recently turned into a non-profit organization with the potential to change lives, educate the masses and reach those who are feeling desperate and alone. Our main mission and driving force is to educate the Family Court System on Cluster B personality disorders so that no child experiences the heartache and abuse that my daughters endured…and that your children endure. It is my hope that no one ever feels alone in this battle and my heart swells with pride when I see the massive outreach taking place every day on the OMB Facebook page. Our Facebook pages are run by the most dedicated group of volunteers I have ever encountered. It’s a place of community and it’s a place of education.

A few weeks ago, we held our first OMB Board Meeting where I am volunteering as Board President. We’ve divided into a variety of sub-committees and we are going full steam ahead fueled by incredible amounts of passion and purpose. The Board Members are my family – strong, inspirational and driven to fight for Children’s Rights. We have an amazing board, a strong advisory committee and our Executive Director is one of the most inspirational warrior parents that I’ve ever encountered. The OMB Board of Directors is a true Dream Team. We look forward to updating you on “everything OMB” in the coming months.   Cheers to education and making changes – from my coffee cup to yours!

I sit here writing from my favorite little beach-side coffee shop in 88 degree California weather. I love coming here – it’s my secret spot where I rarely run into anyone that I know. I even have a favorite booth in the back corner where I can people-watch and reflect on past, present and future. Today I am reflecting on the many changes in my life over the past year – and the fact that the most prevalent feeling in my life is contentment. I am thankful to the Family Court System for finally “getting it.” I wish this feeling for everyone.

As I mentioned above, this will be my final personal blog. My battle is over. My case was won on the basis of emotional abuse – while this is rare, it gives me hope that others will follow in my footsteps. What is next for me?  As many of you know, I recently took a huge plunge and quit my career in Public Relations to dedicate myself to my new role as a Divorce Coach for survivors of Cluster B relationships and for those enduring high conflict custody battles. In addition, I am writing my third book and plan to facilitate annual retreats (the first one will be held November 6-8, 2015). If you’d like to follow my personal blog and stay informed on retreats or events that I am facilitating and new book releases, please visit me at www.tinaswithin.com and sign up (bottom right) for my monthly e-newsletter. To participate in my November retreat, please email me at tina@onemomsbattle.com.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for cheering me on during my court battles. Thank you for your emails, text messages and snail mail. Thank you for believing in me when I was living on coffee, not sleeping and buried in piles of court documents. Thank you for sharing your stories and your heart with me over the past four years. Thank you for being a part of my journey.  Thank you!  – In love and deep gratitude, Tina Swithin

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal. 

Seeking a Divorce Coach to guide you through your custody battle? Visit Tina Swithin’s website or her personal Facebook page where she shares daily inspiration and gratitude.

Divorcing a Narcissist: Tina Swithin’s Court Transcripts

Divorcing a Narcissist: Tina Swithin’s Court Transcripts

judge-in-courtby Tina Swithin

October 28, 2014 was one of the best days of my life.  It was the day that we were awarded “peace” after a very long custody battle. I have been anxiously awaiting the transcripts because this 30 minutes of my life was a complete blur. Tonight, I received the transcripts and while they aren’t exact (I remember a direct quote from the Commissioner, “Parents have rights but children also have rights” which didn’t make it into the transcripts).  Other than that, this is pretty much word for word what occurred.

I have changed names to protect identities:

IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA COUNTY OF SAN LUIS OBISPO BEFORE THE HONORABLE JOHN J. OLSON, COMMISSIONER

SETH COLLINS, PETITIONER, VS. TINA SWITHIN, RESPONDENT.

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CALIFORNIA TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2014 8:56 A.M. * * *

THE COURT: LET ME CALL CASE FL-09-0000, SETH COLLINS AND TINA SWITHIN. WE ARE HERE ON MR. COLLINS’– I’M SORRY, I GUESS WE ARE HERE ON MS. SWITHIN’S REQUEST FOR ORDERS.

MR. PETERSON: YES.

MR. SLAROMON: VINNIE SLAROMON ON BEHALF OF SETH COLLINS, WHO IS NOT PRESENT.

THE COURT: MS. SWITHIN IS PRESENT. MR. PETERSON IS PRESENT ON BEHALF OF THE CHILDREN. MR. COLLINS DOESN’T VISIT FOR A YEAR AND A HALF, AND NOW HE’S DEMANDING VISITS. IS THAT THE SCENARIO?

MR. SLAROMON: I DON’T THINK THAT’S EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED, YOUR HONOR. WHAT I THINK HAPPENED IS THAT HE STARTED HIS VISITS AFTER A LONG ABSENCE, AND IT WAS A SUGGESTION OF MS. SMITH TO INCREASE THE TIME TO TWO HOURS. AND THEN I READ THE RESPONSE AND THE OTHER RESPONSES, AND I’M GUESSING THEY ARE SUGGESTING THAT HE HAVE AN HOUR FIXED, SUPERVISED, AND THAT YOU COULD INCREASE UP TO TWO HOURS BASED ON THE CHILDREN AND HOW THEY ARE DOING IN THE SESSIONS.

THE COURT: WHERE DOES HE LIVE?

MR. SLAROMON: SAN DIEGO.

THE COURT: MR. PETERSON, WHAT’S YOUR POSITION?

MR. PETERSON: WELL, I GOT SOME NEW INFORMATION TODAY. I FILED A RESPONSIVE DECLARATION, AND IT IS MY UNDERSTANDING MR. COLLINS HAS NOT VISITED IN 16 MONTHS. HE HAD SOME LIMITED TELEPHONE CALLS, AND IN HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH THE CHILDREN I THINK THERE IS WHAT WOULD BE CHARACTERIZED AS A GROWING RIFT BASED UPON HIS NON-CONTACT, AND I BELIEVE HE’S HAD TWO VISITS.

MS. SWITHIN: ONE.

MR. PETERSON: ONE VISIT SUPERVISED BY AMBER SMITH. AND IN MY RESPONSIVE DECLARATION WHEN I MADE A PROPOSAL TO THE COURT ABOUT A CAUTIOUS REIMPLEMENTATION OF VISITS, I RECOMMENDED THAT BASED UPON MY DISCUSSIONS WITH MEGAN GOLDEN, WHO IS THE CHILDREN’S THERAPIST, THAT MR. COLLINS MAY CONTACT HER AND MEET WITH HER IN ORDER THAT HE HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO UNDERSTAND THE CHILDREN’S DISTRESS AND GAIN SOME INSIGHT INTO MAKING PROGRESS WITH HIS RELATIONSHIP. HE NEVER CONTACTED THE CHILDREN’S THERAPIST. I SPOKE TO THE THERAPIST, AND SHE INDICATED TO ME THAT SHE’S BEEN SEEING THEM ONCE A WEEK FOR ALMOST A YEAR.

THE COURT: CAN YOU REMIND ME HOW OLD ARE THE GIRLS?

MR. PETERSON: PIPER IS NINE AND SARAH IS SEVEN. MS. GOLDEN HAD A 45-MINUTE MEETING WITH EACH CHILD LAST NIGHT, AND SHE SAID THAT SARAH USED THE BATHROOM BEFOREHAND, BUT WHEN THEY STARTED TALKING ABOUT THE VISITS, SHE BECOME ANXIOUS AND DISTRESSED AND TRIED TO MAKE IT TO THE BATHROOM, BUT SHE ENDED UP WETTING HER PANTS ON THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM, AND SARAH EXHIBITED SOME ANXIOUS AND FEARFUL BEHAVIOR AT THE TIME THAT SHE WAS DEPARTING THE BATHROOM. THIS WAS ALL CENTERED AROUND CONVERSATIONS THEY WERE HAVING ABOUT HOW THEY WERE GOING TO IMPLEMENT THIS AND HOW THEY WERE GOING TO SEE THEIR DAD, HOW THEY FELT ABOUT IT, HOW THE TELEPHONE CALLS WERE GOING. I ASKED HER WHAT SHE RECOMMENDED, AND BASED UPON LAST NIGHT SHE THINKS THAT BEFORE ANY EFFORTS ARE MADE TO RESUME THE VISITS BETWEEN THE GIRLS, MR. COLLINS NEEDS TO MEET WITH HER, AND THERE NEEDS TO BE –

THE COURT: MEET WITH HER TO DO WHAT?

MR. PETERSON: SO HE UNDERSTANDS THE NEEDS OF THE CHILDREN.

THE COURT: HE HASN’T UNDERSTOOD THE NEEDS OF THE CHILDREN IN FOUR YEARS.

MR. PETERSON: I AGREE WITH THAT. I THINK THAT’S TRUE. THE FACT IS HE DISAPPEARS FOR 16 MONTHS, AND NOW HIS REAPPEARING IS CAUSING STRESS IN THE CHILDREN’S LIVES THE WAY — I GUESS THE WAY IN WHICH HE’S REENTERING THEIR LIVES. SHE SAID HE SHOULD BE LIMITED TO CALLS AND SENDING THEM LETTERS, AND SHE’S NOT COMFORTABLE TRANSITIONING INTO VISITS, EVEN SUPERVISED, UNTIL THE CHILDREN HAVE A RESUMPTION OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR FATHER. IF YOU READ THE REPLY DECLARATION OF MS. SWITHIN AND LOOK AT THE EMAILS AND TEXTS THAT ARE BACK AND FORTH, I THINK MS. SWITHIN HAS MADE A PRETTY SUBSTANTIAL AND SIGNIFICANT EFFORT TO CONNECT WITH HIM TO TRY AND PERSUADE HIM TO SEE THE KIDS, AND ON MANY OCCASIONS HE DOESN’T RESPOND IN AN APPROPRIATE FASHION AND CONTINUES TO BLAME HER AND MISCHARACTERIZES THE CIRCUMSTANCES AND DOESN’T TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY.

THE COURT: I GUESS THAT’S WHY I’M SORT OF WONDERING WHY WE ARE GOING TO FORCE THE KIDS INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY WHO HAS DEMONSTRATED REPEATEDLY HE’S NOT CAPABLE OF PUTTING THE KIDS’ INTERESTS AHEAD OF HIS OWN. EVERYTHING IS ON HIS TIMETABLE. HE’S FLAT-OUT LIED TO THE COURT ABOUT VARIOUS FACTS. WE ALL REMEMBER THE HISTORY HERE. HE APPEARS TO BE A SOCIOPATH. WHY ARE WE FORCING THEM? CHILDREN WHO WET THEIR PANTS AT THE MERE DISCUSSION OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SEEING MR. COLLINS, WHY ARE WE FORCING THEM TO DO THAT? IT IS PRETTY DRASTIC TO SAY MAYBE THE KIDS NEVER SEE THIS GUY AGAIN, BUT, YOU KNOW, HE’S THE PERSON WHO CHOSE TO BE GONE FOR THE LAST 16 MONTHS. MAYBE I SHOULD ASK MR. SLAROMON.

MR. SLAROMON: I JUST THINK IN EVERY FAMILY LAW SITUATION THERE ARE FATHERS AND MOTHERS THAT HAVE PROBLEMS MUCH WORSE THAN WHAT MR. COLLINS DOES, AND HIS HAVE BEEN CHARACTERIZED AS JUST A LOT OF, AS THE COURT POINTED OUT, ACTIONS THAT WERE UNACCEPTABLE. THAT’S WHY HE’S IN THE POSITION HE’S IN.

THE COURT: NOT REALLY. HE’S IN THE POSITION HE’S IN BECAUSE HE DID A LOT OF THINGS THAT ENDED UP WITH HIM BEING LIMITED TO SUPERVISED VISITS. BUT HE’S THE PERSON WHOSE CHOSE NOT TO SEE HIS KIDS FOR 16 MONTHS.

MR. SLAROMON: THAT’S WHY HE ASKED ME TO COME AND WHY WE FILED THE RESPONSE, BECAUSE HE JUST WANTED SOME OPPORTUNITY TO BE ABLE TO REUNIFY WITH THEM UNDER SOME STRUCTURE. AND I THINK TERMINATING HIS PARENTAL VISITATION ISN’T APPROPRIATE IF WE CAN COME UP WITH A WAY WE CAN GRADUALLY GET BACK INTO THE KIDS’ LIVES. THAT’S OUR GOAL.

THE COURT: HOW DO YOU PROPOSE DOING THAT?

MR. SLAROMON: WELL, I THOUGHT THAT STARTING WITH SUPERVISED VISITATION AND SEEING HOW IT GOES WOULD BE A GOOD FIRST STEP, INTERTWINED WITH THE THERAPEUTIC APPROACH THAT MR. PETERSON WAS SAYING. I THINK MR. COLLINS DOES NEED TO ENGAGE SLOWLY AND SHOW GOOD CONDUCT OVER A PERIOD OF TIME AND MAYBE SET A REVIEW HEARING 7AND HAVE THEM HAVE, YOU KNOW, ONE VISIT EVERY WEEK FOR AN HOUR, AND LET’S SEE HOW HE DOES. AND I UNDERSTAND THAT THE KIDS — ACCORDING TO MS. SMITH SHE SAID THAT THE KIDS SAID THAT THEY WANT TO SEE HIM AND THAT SHE THINKS IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR THEM, SO MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE HER COME IN AND TALK ABOUT, YOU KNOW –

THE COURT: WHAT’S THEIR OWN THERAPIST’S OPINION ABOUT THE KIDS SEEING HIM? THE KIDS SEE THEIR OWN THERAPIST, AND MS. SMITH IS THE SUPERVISION THERAPIST.

MS. SLAROMON: YES, SHE’S THE SUPERVISOR THERAPIST.

MR. PETERSON: SHE’S ONLY MET WITH THEM FOR ONE HOUR, AND THAT’S IN 16 MONTHS.

THE COURT: WHAT DO YOU THINK OUGHT TO HAPPEN?

MS. SWITHIN: THE PAST 15 MONTHS HAVE BEEN THE MOST PEACEFUL FOR MY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE RETURNED TO HAVING A CHILDHOOD WITH ZERO STRESS. THEY ARE 100 PERCENT THRIVING IN EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR LIVES. MR. COLLINS’S PHONE CALLS TO THEM INVOLVE INSTRUCTING ME THAT I NEED TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT CHILD SUPPORT AND HOW HE HAS PUT A ROOF OVER THEIR HEAD – THE CALLS ARE INAPPROPRIATE. IN SOME OF HIS PHONE CALLS TO THEM, HE’S CLEARLY INTOXICATED, CALLING FROM BARS, AND THE GIRLS HAVE REFUSED TO TALK TO HIM SINCE APRIL BECAUSE OF HOW BIZARRE HIS PHONE CALLS ARE. THEY ARE IN CONTROL OF THEIR PHONE AT ALL TIMES. IN THE ONE SINGLE HOUR THAT HE HAS COME BACK INTO THEIR LIVES – HE HAS TURNED OUR WORLD UPDSIDE DOWN. MY OLDEST DAUGHTER, WHO HAS A NEAR PERFECT ATTENDANCE RECORD THROUGH FOURTH GRADE, HAS MISSED SCHOOL DUE TO ANXIETY SURROUNDING THE VISITS. MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER HAS NOW STARTED WETTING HER PANTS AGAIN AT 7 1/2 YEARS OLD AFTER NOT HAVING A SINGLE ACCIDENT FOR 15 MONTHS. DURING HIS ONE-HOUR VISIT HE BROUGHT IN A LAPTOP COMPUTER AND GRILLED THEM ON QUESTIONS THAT WERE INAPPROPRIATE. HE TOLD THEM THAT THE LACK OF VISITS WERE NOT HIS FAULT. MS. SMITH HAD TO STOP HIM AND TELL HIM THAT THE TOPIC WAS INAPPROPRIATE. THIS MAY BE HEARSAY, BUT MR. PETERSON CAN PROBABLY VERIFY IT. THIS HAS BEEN TRAUMATIZING FOR THEM. JUST ONE HOUR AND MY DAUGHTER’S NIGHTMARES HAVE RESTARTED. WE ARE BACK WHERE WE WERE 15 MONTHS AGO, AND I DON’T THINK HIS PRESENCE IN THEIR LIFE IS HELPING THEM AT ALL -OR IS IN THEIR BEST INTEREST. AND WITH THE RECENT POLICE REPORT THAT I INCLUDED IN MY DECLARATION- MR. COLLINS ATTACKED HIS FIFTH VICTIM AND THAT INCIDENT OCCURED DURING THE TIME OF THE 3111 EVALUATION WHEN MR. COLLINS WOULD SEEM TO BE ON HIS BEST BEHAVIOR. BUT I AGREE WITH YOU THAT HIS TENDENCIES LEAN TOWARDS THAT OF A SOCIOPATH. HE TERRIFIES ME AND HE TERRIFIES THE CHILDREN. I WOULD ASK THAT THE COURT COMPLETELY REMOVE HIS VISITS. I DON’T THINK VISITS ARE IN THEIR BEST INTEREST.

THE COURT: MR. PETERSON, ANYTHING ELSE?

MR. PETERSON: JUST — NO. I THINK TALK IS CHEAP, BUT I THINK CONDUCT SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS. MR. COLLINS’S CONDUCT DEMONSTRATES THAT IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM, AND HE DOESN’T APPRECIATE THE NEEDS OF THE CHILDREN, AND FOR HIM TO, I GUESS, REENTER THE CHILDREN’S LIVES IN THE MANNER IN WHICH HE HAS CAUSES MORE DISRUPTION. CERTAINLY I ENCOURAGE AND ADVOCATE THAT CHILDREN NEED BOTH PARENTS, BUT THAT BEING SAID, I THINK THAT BOTH PARENTS HAVE TO HAVE AN APPROPRIATE ROLE IN THE CHILDREN’S LIVES, AND STEPPING OUT FOR 16 MONTHS AND THEN REAPPEARING -AND I DO CORROBORATE THAT I SPOKE TO AMBER SMITH, AND HE STARTED OUT HIS VISIT BY ATTEMPTING TO SAY THAT NONE OF THIS WAS ALL HIS FAULT, AND IF IT’S NOT HIS FAULT, WHY HASN’T HE BEEN VISITING, AND I KNOW THAT’S NOT TRUE, FOR ONE, AND I THINK IT MISLEADS THE CHILDREN AND CAUSES THE CHILDREN MORE DISTRESS RATHER THAN FOCUSING ON HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE CHILDREN. WHAT I TOLD THE COURT IS WHAT MS. GOLDEN RECOMMENDS, AND WHATEVER THE PARENTING PLAN OR PROPOSAL THE COURT PROPOSES OR ORDERS, I THINK IT OUGHT TO BE VERY SLOW, AND I THINK IT OUGHT TO BE AIMED AT PROTECTING THE CHILDREN FROM MR. COLLINS’S UNSTABLE BEHAVIOR. I GUESS I’M CONCERNED — ALSO I TRIED TO CALL (GAZELLE #3). HER PHONE NUMBER IS IN THE POLICE REPORT. I THINK IT IS OUT OF THE EAST COAST. I TRIED TO IDENTIFY MYSELF, AND I CALLED HER A COUPLE TIMES AND TRIED TO GET A CALL BACK SO I COULD CORROBORATE WHAT’S WRITTEN IN THE POLICE REPORT. I FIND ALARMING WHAT IS IN THAT POLICE REPORT. THERE’S BEEN SIMILAR BEHAVIOR WITH OTHER WOMEN THAT’S BEEN REPORTED THROUGHOUT THIS CASE OVER ABOUT FIVE YEARS, AND IT IS JUST ODD THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS WITH MR. COLLINS, AND I THINK HE HAS SOME SORT OF PROBLEM.

THE COURT: I DON’T THINK ITS ODD. I THINK YOU COULD GO WANDER AROUND TO ANY CRIMINAL DEPARTMENT IN THIS BUILDING AND SEE SIMILAR KINDS OF PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR.

MR. PETERSON: THE OTHER ISSUE IS HE’S WRITTEN TO THE MOTHER AND REALLY MINIMIZED HIS USE OF ALCOHOL, HE NEVER ABUSED ALCOHOL. EVERYTHING THAT HE SAYS HE MINIMIZES IT AND SAYS THAT HE NEVER USES ALCOHOL IN ANY DIFFERENT PATTERN THAN ANY PROFESSIONAL OR PARENT. I JUST DON’T THINK THE RECORD SUPPORTS THAT. I THINK WITH HIS CRIMINAL CASES AGAINST HIM AND HIS ALCOHOL-RELATED OFFENSES IT’S JUST ALL AROUND A BAD CIRCUMSTANCE.

THE COURT: OKAY. SO I’M GOING TO GIVE MR. SLAROMON THE LAST WORD, BUT BEFORE I GET TO HIM, THE DILEMMA FOR THE COURT IS ON THE ONE HAND THERE’S A POLICY THAT KIDS NEED BOTH PARENTS. ON THE OTHER HAND THERE ARE CERTAIN PARENTS WHO DON’T BELONG AROUND THEIR CHILDREN. WHERE IS HE?

MR. PETERSON: WELL, I THINK THE COURT’S GOT TO BALANCE COMPETING INTERESTS.

THE COURT: ACTUALLY, RATHER THAN PHRASING IT AS “WHERE IS HE,” WHERE DO THESE KIDS BELONG?

MR. PETERSON: I THINK THE COURT’S GOT TO BALANCE THE KIDS’ STABILITY AGAINST ANY FURTHER INSTABILITY OR HARM THAT THERE IS BY THE CIRCUMSTANCE OF CONTINUING WHAT’S CURRENTLY GOING ON. I MEAN, HAS HE INFLICTED PHYSICAL FORCE ON THE CHILDREN? NOT RECENTLY.

THE COURT: BUT THAT’S NOT THE BE-ALL AND END-ALL.

MR. PETERSON: I UNDERSTAND THAT. THESE CHILDREN ARE EXPERIENCING EMOTIONAL DISTRESS AS A RESULT OF WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE LAST TWO OR THREE MONTHS, AND I THINK THE COURT OUGHT TO RESTRICT HIS CONTACT WITH THE CHILDREN UNTIL HE IS ABLE TO DEMONSTRATE –

THE COURT: I GUESS THAT’S MY QUESTION BECAUSE TO DATE HE HAS CHECKED OUT. HE HAS REALLY PUT HIS KIDS IN A HORRIBLE POSITION. I THINK PROBABLY MR. SLAROMON MIGHT AGREE WITH THAT. THE QUESTION REALLY IS, WELL — AND BASED ON ALL OF THAT, I’M NOT CONVINCED HE SHOULD BE SEEING HIS KIDS EVEN ONE HOUR SUPERVISED AT THIS POINT. WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO TO DEMONSTRATE THAT HE’S NOT A DANGER NOW TO HIS KIDS? AND NOW IT IS GOING TO BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR HIM BECAUSE I’VE CONCLUDED HE’S A LIAR. I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT HE SAYS. IT HAS GONE ON FOR YEARS. HE’S GOT THIS ISSUE WITH HIS VARIOUS GIRLFRIENDS, ALL OF WHOM SEEM TO END UP IN SOME SORT OF POLICE CONTACT. HE HAS FABRICATED CLAIMS ABOUT GETTING BEAT UP IN SAN FRANCISCO WHEN ACTUALLY HE PUT HIS CAR INTO A LIGHT POLE ON THE EMBARCADERO. WHAT COULD HE DO TO CONVINCE YOU OR CONVINCE ME HE IS NOT JUST A SOCIOPATH AND SHOULDN’T BE AROUND HIS KIDS? IS THERE ANYTHING HE COULD DO?

MR. PETERSON: NOT MUCH. THE ONLY SUGGESTION THAT I KNOW OF IS TO START OFF WITH A SERIES OF LETTERS AND HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE CONTACT WITH THEM THAT WAY, BUT MY THINKING IS IF THE COURT MAKES AN ORDER LIKE THAT, HE WON’T FOLLOW IT AND CHECK OUT. IT IS A VERY, VERY TOUGH ISSUE. I THINK HE’S RECEIVED PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITIES FROM THIS COURT, PROBABLY SIX OR SEVEN OPPORTUNITIES TO HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS CHILDREN, AND HE’S REJECTED THEM OR ACTED IN A FASHION THAT IS INCONSISTENT WITH APPROPRIATE PARENTING DECISIONS.

MS. SWITHIN: IN REGARDS TO THE LETTERS, I WANT THE COURT TO KNOW THAT I WOULD ONLY FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THOSE GOING THROUGH THE CHILDREN’S THERAPIST BECAUSE HIS PHONE CALLS ARE COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. MY HUSBAND CAN ATTEST TO THAT. HE’S IN THE COURTROOM NOW. HE HAS HEARD THEM ON SPEAKER PHONE. I DON’T TRUST ANYTHING THAT HE WOULD PUT IN WRITING WOULDN’T FURTHER DAMAGE THE GIRLS.

THE COURT: MR. SLAROMON?

MR. SLAROMON: I’M HEARING A LOT OF THE THINGS WE HAVE HEARD OVER AND OVER AGAIN THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF THE CASE, AND THE CONFLICT IS RESULTANT. MR. COLLINS SEEMS TO DO THE OBVIOUS THINGS WRONG, BUT I THINK A LOT OF THE EARLY CONFLICT COMES FROM THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MS. SWITHIN AND MR. COLLINS. I HAVE HEARD LOTS OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT HER USING HER DIVORCE AS FODDER FOR HER PROFESSION AND A BOOK. NOW SHE’S WRITTEN A SECOND BOOK. SHE’S VERY INTO PUBLICIZING THIS.

THE COURT: I HAVEN’T READ HER BOOK. I KNOW SHE HAS ONE. I KNOW SHE HAS A BOOK. I DON’T HAVE ANY INTEREST IN READING IT, BUT MR. COLLINS PROVIDES A LOT OF MATERIAL.

MS. SLAROMON: I JUST THINK THAT IF WE CLOSE THE DOOR TO IT, THERE’S NO OPPORTUNITY. IF WE GIVE HIM SOME OPPORTUNITY BUT LETTER WRITING IS THE THING THAT YOU THINK IS THE BEST SOLUTION, I DON’T NECESSARILY THINK THAT’S THE BEST SOLUTION. I THINK HE NEEDS TO HAVE SOME CONTACT WITH THE THERAPIST THAT ALSO SEES THE KIDS, AND MAYBE HE COULD HAVE HIS OPEN SEPARATE THERAPY FOR X-AMOUNT OF SESSIONS, MAKE HIM DO SOME REAL ENGAGING THERAPY WITH THEIR THERAPIST FOR SOME WAY THAT SHE CAN MONITOR WHAT HE’S SAYING AND WHAT HE’S DOING, AND THEN COME BACK IN THREE MONTHS AND HAVE THE THERAPIST SAY “HE’S A SOCIOPATH” OR “HE’S NOT A SOCIOPATH, HE WANTS TO, HE CAN, I BELIEVE HE SHOULD.” HE HAS DEFINITELY CHOSEN OVER THE LAST 15 MONTHS TO OSTRICH IT, STICK HIS HEAD IN THE SAND AND NOT DO THE VISITATIONS BECAUSE HE WAS ORDERED SUPERVISED. I TOLD HIM MYSELF TO DO HIS VISITS, DO THEM FROM THE BEGINNING AND DO THEM GOOD, AND HE DIDN’T. I ASKED HIM TO DO THAT. I MEAN, I THINK THAT I JUST WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE COURT TRY TO FASHION A PLAN THAT CAN GIVE HIM A WINDOW, AN OPPORTUNITY THAT CAN EITHER CLOSE AGAIN AND FAIL OR SUCCEED, WHICH MIGHT BE IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE KIDS IN THE FUTURE.

THE COURT: ALL VISITATION BETWEEN MR. COLLINS AND THE CHILDREN IS SUSPENDED. MR. COLLINS MAY COMMUNICATE WITH THE CHILDREN IN WRITING THROUGH MEGAN GOLDEN. ALL TELEPHONE CONTACT BETWEEN MR. COLLINS AND THE CHILDREN IS TERMINATED AT THIS TIME. IF MS. SWITHIN DOES RECEIVE ANY TELEPHONE CALLS TO THE CHILDREN DESPITE THIS ORDER, WHICH WOULDN’T SURPRISE ME, SHE CAN RECORD THEM. ARE THERE ANY OTHER ORDERS YOU THINK WE NEED?

MR. PETERSON: NO.

THE COURT: OKAY.

MR. PETERSON WILL PREPARE THE ORDER.

MR. SLAROMON: THANK YOU.

MS. SWITHIN: THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

THE COURT: THANK YOU.

(AT 9:18 A.M. PROCEEDINING WERE CONCLUDED.) * * *

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club! For more information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries, navigate the system and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, “Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: Nightmare Spray

Divorcing a Narcissist: Nightmare Spray

glitter waterby Tina Swithin

The nightmares are still taking place…even with “our month of peace” that was awarded during the ex parte.

Thankfully, my youngest daughter, Sarah (age 7) does not remember the nightmares. Sometimes, she doesn’t even remember that she had a nightmare but we can hear her. Some days husband hears her yelling out when leaving for work in the morning and I’ve heard her yelling out during my recent bout with insomnia.

We have recently upped the visits to the girls’ therapist – back up to once per week to deal with the anxiety, anger, and whatever emotion is on the weekly agenda…all related to Seth’s reappearance in our lives. During a recent session, Sarah came out of the session with a cup of water. It was glitter water and it smelled of lavender.

It’s “nightmare spray,” Sarah said proudly as we walked to the car. “You get to spray it on me before bed and it will help with my bad dreams.”

Each night before bed, we deliver an extra dose of love and then spray Sarah (and her bed) with nightmare spray. She thinks it is helping and following the advice of her therapist, we will let her think that because it seems to give her peace and make it feel better, If your little one is dealing with nightmares, I highly recommend putting together your own bottle of nightmare spray.

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

The Narc Decoder: Ficus on your Husband (A Classic Email from Seth)

The Narc Decoder: Ficus on your Husband (A Classic Email from Seth)
narc decoderby Tina Swithin
The “Narc Decoder” began as a way to find light in the darkness. In the beginning of my divorce, Seth’s emails would often make me crumble to the ground. As time went on and I got stronger, I began to see right through his attempts to control and intimidate through written communication and the Narc Decoder (patent pending) was born as a way for me to cope with the craziness. Humor is truly the best medicine. A few weeks ago, I sent Seth an email regarding the impending supervised visits and my meeting with minor’s counsel. I had been made aware of the recent police report documenting Seth’s fifth victim since our divorce proceedings began. While this is victim #5, this one was especially troublesome because it occurred during our 3111 custody evaluation.This was Seth’s response to my email and apparently. the police report is a “hypothesis:”
Tina-  First off, I don’t care about your hypothesis.You’re spending child support money to write books no one reads about me.Second, you’re infatuated with me and you need to ficus on your new husband not me. So move on.

Third you’re a narcissist. Your pictures by photographers you hire are all over your little corner of social media and you with your 36 book fans are a pathetic breed. Keep it up with your nonsense while our daughters suffer from your egomania output to get losers to believe it’s okay to cheat on a husband. You will never absolve yourself yourself for your lies and selfishness in your heart.  -Seth

And into the “Narc Decoder” it goes….Snap…Crackle…Pop….Decoded!

Tina – First off, I don’t care that you have an official police report in hand. I am currently trying to concoct a story that will make this entire incident your fault. Everything is your fault in case you weren’t aware. You just sit back and wait to see what kind of story I come up with! I’m sure that you and the girl I was dating were actually in cahoots on this entire thing. Never mind the fact that you are on the west coast and she is on the east coast. I’m positive that this was all a set up and her father was probably the officer who showed up at the hotel to take the report. Now that I think about it, she is probably your third cousin twice removed. YOU set me up and forced the 23 alcoholic beverages that preceded the assault down my throat from 3,000 miles away….and you thought that you were going to get away with this! HA!

I am sure that if I keep mentioning child support money, people will believe that I pay you every month. Who cares about that measly $40,812.36 in arrears! Do you know that it eats at me that you’ve written books that tell the truth about me. I checked your Amazon reviews for the 93rd time today and you had a new review! You are now up to 265 reviews and both books are holding at 5-stars. I HATE that you are successful because it goes against everything I’ve ever told you! I hate that so many people know the truth about me.

Second, I am infatuated with myself. Why aren’t you infatuated with me…didn’t you hear all of the great things my mom said about me? Why won’t you listen, dammit!? By the way, I don’t want you to orchid or fern on your new husband. I want you to ficus on him. Wait..I never misspelled anything or made any mistakes prior to meeting YOU. Your white trash upbringing has affected my spelling. I knew it! See what you’ve done! I wrote “ficus” instead of “focus” and its all your fault. Move on and stop making me make mistakes. (Note from Tina: credit to Laura in Southern California for the ficus humor!)

Third, I’m a narcissist. Wait…I think I am actually a sociopath but I know that is a big word for you. By the way, the pictures you use of your coaching website prove that you are a narcissist also. It is very clear that in an effort to save money, you used your wedding photos versus having new photos taken…who was your photographer, by the way? I am in need of some new photos for my dating profiles. I am hoping for the “Fortune 500” look which will go right along with what I am telling women. Did I mention that the people who read your books and blog are right up my alley?…an entire group of kind, loving, empathetic women. Do you have any of their phone numbers? I am actually on the hunt for my next victim and I love people with the qualities that I lack. I would appreciate it greatly if you would STOP educating the masses. You are eating up my dating pool every single day. By the way. I am still telling people that you cheated on me even though we both know that’s the furthest thing from the truth. Someone will eventually believe it. Won’t they? Will you just say you did because it would sure help my victim story. Please? -Seth

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Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: When Family Court Gets it Right

Divorcing a Narcissist: When Family Court Gets it Right

peaceby Tina Swithin

Today is a FANTASTIC DAY!  Never give up. Always follow your gut and if you feel like you’ve been failed then get back up and try again. And again. And again.

I had been warned this week that my ex parte request would probably be denied because it didn’t constitute a true emergency. After all, my daughters have professionally supervised visits.  The court website says that an emergency constitutes “the potential for blood on the floor.” I’m not joking. It really says that.

I operate today with the same mentality that has brought me through this battle. I need to put my head on a pillow each night knowing that I did everything in my power to protect my daughters. While I knew there was a 50/50 chance that the courts could shoot me down, I needed to know that I had tried.

In my request for order, I outlined the anxiety, the missed school days and the other things that had manifested due to the one hour visit with Seth. I outlined the fact that he has had 70 opportunities to see the girls yet he chose not to. I outlined his phone calls which range from bizarre and manic to drunk pocket dials. I included the message from the young woman who Seth assaulted — this assault happened in the midst of our custody evaluation and the courts had no knowledge of it. In her message to me she said, “He is mentally unstable. He snapped with a rage in his eyes that I have only seen in animals.”  

This makes the FIFTH victim who has come forward since Seth and I separated.

I was asking for visits to be decreased to one visit per month.

Minor’s counsel was requesting two visits per month.

The Commissioner stripped him of ALL visits pending the next hearing on October 28th.

Another few weeks of peace. We’ll take it.

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Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Turning 40 and Adjusting My Sails

Turning 40 and Adjusting My Sails

sailsby Tina Swithin

I am not a football fan but I know a good end zone dance when I see one. I am currently heading for the end zone – the end of a decade. This week, I turn 40 years old. At first, like many of my peers, I struggled with the thought of leaving my 30’s until a few things put it all into perspective for me.

  1. I lost some longtime friends over the past year. Not because of a falling out or a silly argument. It was much bigger than that. Several amazing women that I’ve known since elementary school faced cancer bravely but in the end, it succeeded in taking them from their friends, their family and this world. It felt pretty petty to complain about a new year of life when there are people unable to enjoy another day…or another breath. In their honor, I will embrace my 40’s the way I embrace everything. With life. With love. With all of my being.
  2. I could look at the negatives and dwell on them or, I could look at the picture as a whole and focus on the positives  and on all that I have accomplished over the past ten years. Here are just a few of the moments that stand out in my mind over the past decade:
  • I was handed a diagnosis of MS months before turning 30 which at the time, was a devastating blow. I then embarked on a long and windy road filled with numerous doctors, hospital stays, lab tests and various treatment plans. Through this journey, I have taken the lemons and made lemonade while trying to stay positive.
  • Weeks before my 30th birthday, I discovered that I was pregnant with my first daughter. That year, I learned what it meant to be selfless. I learned that the love you have for your child is a love that you can never describe. In April of 2005, I held my baby for the first time and my life forever changed.
  • At the age of 32, the love that I had for my daughter expanded to include a second daughter. During my pregnancy, I wondered how I could love another child the same way I loved my little girl but those concerns were quickly dismissed when they placed a 6lb 9oz baby girl in my arms in April of 2007.
  • At the age of 34, my marriage ended and I embarked on a journey that few will ever be able to understand. I am thankful that they don’t understand because it is a journey that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
  • That same year, I found God. He had been there all along. He wasn’t hiding- I had been. For the first time in my life, I had faith.
  • Months later, and very unexpectedly, I met my best friend. It just so happened that my best friend turned out to be tall, dark, handsome and the kindest, most honest man I had ever met. Thus began a type of love that I didn’t know existed.
  • At the age of 37, I had this silly little idea to start a blog. That blog has morphed into two books and a movement that I could have never envisioned.
  • At the age of 38, I married by best friend and together; we have five children ranging from the age of 25 all the way down to 7. His are grown and out of the house…mine are not. We are the modern day Brady Bunch complete with all the chaos and craziness that you would expect. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
  • Just three months after my wedding, I was successful in my plight to protect my daughters. Anyone who has been in the Family Court System with a narcissist knows how monumental this is. A full 14 months of peace ensued following this life-changing day.
  • At the age of 39, I launched a non-profit organization which will work to educate the Family Court System on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and a coaching business which allows me to educate and empower those in the trenches. I have discovered what it means to “find  your passion” and everything that has happened over the past ten years makes complete sense.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be. It all makes sense. The good times, the bad times and even the times when I waived my fists in the air and cried. The times when I crumbled to the floor and questioned my faith. It all makes sense and I am thankful to be where I am today. I am at the end of a decade and I am doing my own version of an end zone dance.  – Love, Tina

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Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Tina Swithin will help you to establish boundaries and regain your power. Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

 

Divorcing a Narcissist: Seth is Back (Part 2- Narc Decoder)

Divorcing a Narcissist: Seth is Back (Part 2- Narc Decoder)

narc decoderby Tina Swithin

(Continued from Part 1)

My email to Seth after I got off the phone with Elena from the supervision company:

Seth- I received a call today from Elena regarding your request to set up supervised visits. Since it has been over a year since you’ve seen the girls, my attorney advised that the initial visits take place in a therapeutic environment.  Moving forward, I did let Elena know that the visits were ordered to take place with ABC Supervision Services or with Jane Smith who is a local therapist. I think there was also a clause about a mutually agreed upon professional supervisor as well which I will look into further and verify.  -Tina

After locating the court order and speaking to the therapist, I followed up with this:

Seth- To follow-up on my previous email, I did verify that the court order lists Jane Smith as an approved supervisor. Since Jane is a MFT, I would prefer that we utilize her services for re-unification therapy/supervised visits. I called and spoke to her this afternoon and here is the information to get started:

Jane will speak to Piper’s therapist and then she will meet with the girls and I. After that, she will schedule a time to meet with you individually and after that, she will meet with you and the girls together.  Her rate is $100/hour and she can be reached at 805-555-5555. I will wait to receive confirmation from you before meeting with Jane however, I will sign the waiver with Piper’s therapist at the next visit to get things started on our end.  – Tina  

Seth’s response to me:

Tina- The (court) recommendation was for (NPD) Supervision Services and they never returned my emails and the voicemail doesn’t accept messages for over a year.  I called her multiple times last year when this first started and received 0 replies.  I have been trying ever since April.  I finally looked up the National Registry of approved Supervisors.

Elena is an approved supervisor. There is no way I will go to someone you have a previous relationship with as you did with the woman form the Women’s Shelter with whom you feigned an abuse issue 4+ years ago to gain her favor. I don’t see anywhere where the person you are stating is recommended.

Furthermore, the damage you have caused by using our divorce and the court system to profit from not one but two books now is unconscionable.  I purposely removed myself from all of your world because I know you were using the court system to get chapters for your first book.

Using child support money to follow me around with private investigators and going to the extreme of hiring young girls to follow me around where I live is disturbing on levels of stalking.  I believe that you are not using the child support money in the proper manner to provide and care for the girls but rather pay private investigators to follow me when I am on my own time.

Why are you still so obsessed with me 5 years after I divorced you?  Let me live my own life and move on.  Later, Seth

Don’t fail me now, Narc Decoder!  I carefully place Seth’s email in the Narc Decoder and Snap! Crackle! Pop! Decoded!

Tina- It’s been a full year since I’ve seen the girls and in that time, I’ve accidentally drunk-dialed the supervision service multiple times however, I have never once attempted to contact them while sober. Recently, my mom came to visit for the summer and put pressure on me to impress the family with my superb parenting skills. To make my mom happy I have finally decided to reach out and touch someone….you know, those people who were appointed to supervise me.

Have I mentioned that my ego can’t handle the thought of supervision but I am willing to do anything to please my mom? I probably won’t really follow through — I will take the first steps and then tell her how mean you are and that you are preventing me from seeing my possessions…errrr….I mean, MY daughters. I wrote in the email that I have been trying to contact the company since April but you and I both know that’s B.S. I just like writing things like that in case the court gets a wild hair and decides to believe anything I say!  It’s worth a shot, right? Right? You know I’m right…I’m always right!      

Elena is an approved supervisor and since I spoke with her first, I am confident that I can sell her on how evil you are…and how I’ve been wronged. There is no way I will go to someone that you have a previous relationship with because you told them the truth and you know how much I hate being exposed. I don’t see anywhere in the court docs that says the person you are suggested is recommended (I’m covering my eyes, haha!) because am choosing to twist reality to suite my agenda and needs. That shouldn’t be news to you….I love twisting reality.  

Furthermore (“Furthermore” is one of my favorite words because it makes me sound in control and smart), the damage you have caused by telling the truth about our divorce to profit from not one but two books now is unconscionable (I should probably get a thesaurus….I know I use “unconscionable” in every email).  I purposely removed myself from your world because the Commissioner and Evaluator saw through me and I could not handle it. Damn you for telling people the truth again! 

I hate the fact that you can survive financially without me. It goes against everything I’ve ever told you and pisses me off. I know that I recently got fired from yet another job and no longer pay child support. I know that my arrears is over $40,000 and I hate that you have become self-sufficient. I hate it. I hate it! I remember back in the good old days when my frequent terminations would make you cry and scramble to figure out how to buy groceries. Gosh, I sure miss those days!  

It infuriates me that you’ve used a private investigator to show my true colors. Being followed has made me so incredibly paranoid that I now think young girls are following me. They are everywhere! Blondes, brunettes, red heads! I also believe that you are not using the child support money that I no longer pay you to properly care for the girls. I firmly believe that you are obsessed with me — you are, aren’t you? Everyone else is….you are, right?!  Let me live my own life, free of rules and court orders and we’ll all be happy.  

PS Isn’t it ironic that I spent so many years correcting your grammar and mine is horrendous? Let me figure out a way to blame you for my grammatical errors and I will get back to you. I’m sure your stupidity rubbed off on me during our marriage.   -Seth 

“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: One Year of Peace

Divorcing a Narcissist: One Year of Peace

by Tina Swithin

One year ago this month, I wrote my most popular blog to date: “Divorcing a Narcissist: It’s Over!” People all over the world rejoiced with me when I announced the end of my battle. I was successful in obtaining something that I had fought so hard for: the safety of my children.

This past week (July 10th) was the one year anniversary of my final court date and I spent the week on a houseboat at Lake Powell — far away from cell phones, computers and the chaos of the world. I had time to reflect on everything that had happened and how far we’ve come.

  • It’s officially been one year since we’ve seen Seth. In line with my prediction on the day we received the verdict, the ego of a Narcissist is not equipped to deal with supervised visits.
  • The small handful of emails that I’ve received over the past year evoke pity instead of fear.
  • Piper and Sarah are both thriving as well-adjusted 7 and 9 year olds free from night terrors and daytime, anxiety-induced potty accidents.
  • The girls feel safe to create boundaries now that Seth is out of the picture. They have actually refused his calls for the past four months which has been supported by their therapist.
  • Last month, Piper felt safe enough to write a very powerful letter to Seth while in her therapists office. I sent this letter to Seth at her request. Obviously, it was met with denial and twisted to fit Seth’s agenda but nonetheless, it allowed her to take her power back free from his wrath.
  • The girls have chosen to use my last name versus Seth’s last name. Obviously, this can’t be legally changed however, their school has accommodated their request at the academic level.
  • We have peace. Finally. Thankfully.

This experience and my decision to blog about my journey has united a community of the most amazing people I’ve ever encountered. One thing I’ve discovered is that narcissists target people with the qualities and traits that they themselves lack. Some of the traits that lure in a narcissist are: kindness, compassion, caring, empathy, concern, love, tenderness, faithfulness. These are just a few of the traits that describe this group of warrior parents at One Mom’s Battle. I am grateful that my journey has brought me to this group. The Administrators of One Mom’s Battle are leaders who have been in the trenches or who remain in the trenches. My gratitude is beyond worlds. We’ve come a long way, baby!

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

 

The Narc Decoder: Snap, Crackle, Pop! Father’s Day Craziness

The Narc Decoder: Snap, Crackle, Pop! Father’s Day Craziness

narc decoderby Tina Swithin

Why do I waste blog-space on Seth at this point in time? He has been gone from our lives for almost a full year.

Good question.

I am sharing my latest email from him NOT to give him the spotlight but because the Narc Decoder blogs are the most popular. I believe reading the pure craziness helps people to feel less alone. By sharing Seth’s bizarre rants, I am able to teach people who are new to this battle how to communicate and decode the sheer insanity that only a Cluster B person can provide.

I highly encourage you to take your power back. Turn alerts off on your phone if those alerts notify you of an email from your ex. Only open emails when you are centered, focused and in control. I knew that Seth would be emailing due to the Father’s Day weekend. I know he is escalated because my brave 9-year old warrior, Piper, has set boundaries with him. She has refused his calls since April and while in therapy, wrote him a letter straight from her heart. She is hurt and angry. It was eloquent and powerful. I sent him the letter and he of course, took what he wanted from it and refused to accept a quarter ounce of responsibility. Of course, it is all my fault.

Tonight I opened an email from Seth which promptly went into the Narc Decoder.

Tina,

Given that it is Father’s Day this weekend, I would like to see the girls at a place of your choosing for any interval of time. It’s absolutely tragic that (Commissioner) and (Evaluator) decided it was appropriate to oust me completely from Piper and Sarah’s lives because in the company of my parents on 111 degree day I enjoyed a beer.

Every restaurant you go to, you see parents enjoying wine or beer with their children present. You know this is the case and you know you drink wine in front of the children often. It is absolutely unusual and unfair punishment not only for me but for the girls that because of this the daughters no longer can have a normal relationship or any with their father.

On another note, I work my ass off to keep my job and my career. It is incumbent upon you to tell the girls that I provide enough money to you to cover rent, food, clothing and activities for my daughters. They do not seem to be aware of this.

You have won with the Commissioner. I used to say, back in 2010, that this divorce process has had almost no emotional effects on Piper and Sarah to people. The girls understood you had boyfriend and I was their Dad. Now it is clear that Piper in particular is going to have severe emotional scars from her loss of her father.

Tina, you grew up with a biological mother who had mental illness. Had your father not taken you tïo California from Illinois, she might have kidnapped you and you may not be alive had he not raised you away from your mother. What we are dealing with here is a very, very different situation. I drink high quality beer or wine as little or as much as my other friends who are parents, professionals and had working people. I do not drink every day. I exercise 2-3 hours every day sometimes 5-6 hours a day.

I am not some evil, monster as you describe me in your blog. I may have been taken by success and wanted to earn more and more money. But, that is my personality, to try to be the best in my field. It is time that you turn the mirror on you and realize that the damage this divorce has caused me has now been magnified on our daughters.

I disagree completely with the Commissioner’s punitive measures against me. I could understand if I smoked pot or did drugs to require supervised visits but he clearly hates me and you know this. Thus, you dragged me in front of him 30 times until he snapped on me permanently. He was sick and tired of seeing us and I do not blame him. This was all you. You constantly harassed me with court hearings in the middle of my work week. You cost me jobs because of this Tina.

All I wanted was to spend one week a month with Piper and Sarah. The custody evaluation buried me. Now, the daughters are in emotional turmoil.

I would really like to see the girls please. Even if we see them at the Children’s Museum and you’re there. I don’t really care. I just want to see them. 

Thank you for your consideration, Seth

As Seth’s email comes out of the Narc Decoder, I hear, “Snap. Crackle. Pop.” Yawn. Silly narcissist. You have zero effect on me anymore.

Here is the decoder version of Seth’s email:

Tina,

Given that it is Father’s Day, I feel entitled to see MY daughters. MY possessions. You know, the ones that I haven’t seen in 11 months? Seeing them on Father’s Day would certainly boost my ego and I would be able to report back to my mommy that I am a good son who cares so much about my children. Using phrases like, “intervals of time” makes me feel important. Do I sound important to you?

I think it’s completely tragic that the court saw through me. How dare they have an issue with the fact that I drank alcohol against court orders in a bar with MY possessions. Tragic. It was premium beer for God’s sake. I should receive some slack for the fact that I don’t drink the same beer that lower life forms consume. It was PREMIUM beer, Tina. Can you grab me a beer while I sit here and project my alcohol issues on you? I know you drink wine and I don’t think it’s fair that you don’t have DUIs, Drunk in Publics and Wet n Reckless charges on your record. You probably do…you probably slept with the police officers to get away with it all!  Damn you!

I am going to ignore the fact that in addition to the violation of court orders, there was a 43-page report that could make Cyndi Lauper bust into song…”I see your true colors shining through….your true colors…..”

Can you please make the girls aware of the child support that I pay? Have them send me a thank you card in the morning because they would not be able to enjoy cereal if it weren’t for me. You are all so ungrateful. Everything you have is technically mine. Did you know that? You should send me a thank you card also.

I saw the letter Piper wrote. Since when has she been allowed to set boundaries and express feelings? That’s just weird. Make her stop immediately.

This is the part where I remind you of your dysfunctional childhood. I do this in an effort to make you feel bad and in turn, make myself feel better. Do you feel bad? Is it working?  Did I mention that I drink high-quality beer?  I do so there!

I am the evil monster that you portray me to be in your blog. How dare you tell the truth about me. It literally eats me alive. Can you please turn the mirror on yourself and realize what you have done? Enough already! Give me the mirror back so I can see myself again!

I disagree with the measures the court took to hold me accountable for my behavior. How dare they do this to me! I don’t do drugs. I drink premium beer. I am not a looser. My mom said I was perfect. This was all your fault for telling them the truth about me. I believe the distorted version of reality that I have spun in my head and so should you. So should the courts. You constantly held me accountable for my behavior. How dare you!

Now that I am finished telling you what a cold, evil person you are, can we just put this all behind us and forget the 4 year custody battle? I’d love for you to violate court orders this weekend by bringing the girls to the museum so that I can pretend to be a dad on Father’s Day. Sound good to you?  Thank you for your consideration – Seth

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

Divorcing a Narcissist: Finding my Life Mission

Divorcing a Narcissist: Finding my Life Mission

purposeby Tina Swithin

I plopped down on a therapist’s couch for the first time when I was in my early 20’s. That visit was prompted by a severely dysfunctional relationship that thankfully, came to an end. One of the first goals I set with the therapist was to sort through my baggage and make healthier relationship decisions moving forward. More than anything, I wanted to avoid sitting in a therapist’s office at the age of 35. I even verbalized this fear to my therapist.

Fast forward to 2009 and as a 35-year old woman, I found myself sitting on yet another therapist’s couch. My worst fear had come to fruition. After a 10 year relationship to the man I originally thought was Prince Charming, I was in the fight of my life trying to protect my two young daughters in a custody battle that garnered international media attention. The wise relationship choice that I believed I was making turned out to be a marriage that was shiny and pretty on the outside but cold, dark and ugly on the inside. Unbeknownst to me, I had married a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

During my 4-year custody battle, I acted as my own attorney and endured the following:

  • Over thirty court dates consisting of both trials and hearings.
  • Two full custody evaluations.
  • Six-hundred plus hours devoted to trial and hearing preparation, research, documentation and court dates.
  • Twelve police reports ranging from violations of the court orders to the more severe such as breaking into my home.
  • Three investigations by Child Welfare Services which ultimately determined my ex-husband to be a “moderate risk” yet did nothing to help my children.

In July of 2013, my custody battle came to an end when I secured professionally supervised visits and ultimately, my daughter’s safety. To say that I felt a sense of relief may be the understatement of the century. All of the sleepless nights, the tears, the fear and the anxiety came to a screeching halt with one final strike of the Judge’s gavel.

Looking back, I have every right to be angry at the system that failed my children for so long. I could throw rocks at the sky and ask what I did to deserve this life altering battle. I’ve could continue to feed and nourish my anger which would ensure that the anger would thrive and leave me consumed by bitterness for the rest of my life or, I could choose a different path.

As I approach my 40th birthday and reflect on the advice that I’ve picked up over the years, I’ve always held onto a quote that made sense but I couldn’t find the connection in my life until recently: “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” – Confucius. Some people have light bulb moments and others, like me, have brief and sporadic flashes of light similar to what happens when a boat is searching for a lighthouse on a foggy night. Once the light cuts through the fog, the ride to shore is smooth.

This battle has changed my life in more ways than I ever thought possible. This battle has become my life because it’s given me the ability to help others by sharing my story of perseverance and providing hope. I have taken my experiences and turned them into a blog, books and now, my life passion which is to coach other parents who find themselves facing a narcissist in the uneducated Family Court System. I have taken the maps and the tools that I used to navigate the choppy waters of a high conflict divorce and I teach others to do the same.

One thing that I have learned during this battle is to lean on my faith and accept that everything does happen for a reason. Trusting that I was placed on this path to help others has been life changing. Instead of being angry and bitter, I have made the choice to take the lemons that were handed to me and to whip up a huge batch of lemonade for those who are on the battlefield of the Family Court System. I believe that there is purpose to my pain and I am using the knowledge that I’ve gained in an effort to help others.

If you are in the trenches and fighting for your children, my message for you is to never give up. I have personally witnessed the most dire cases turn completely around. I am inspired daily by the warrior parents that I meet and I am encouraged by their stories. I will continue to work diligently to bring awareness to Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its affect on the Family Court System. I hope you will join me by speaking up and sharing you story whenever you are afforded the opportunity. Have faith that everything is happening for a reason and while you may not understand the reason now, it will make sense to you one day. Together, we can work to highlight the issues that are so pervasive in the Family Court System.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”  -Margaret Mead  

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Seeking a Private Forum for advice, inspiration and support? Join Tina and the Lemonade Warriors in The Lemonade Club!  For information, please email Tina@onemomsbattle.com

Seeking a Divorce Coach for your high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Contact Tina Swithin at Tina Swithin, LLC

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle” and her new book “Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield” are available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries, navigate your way through the divorce and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.