Divorcing a Narcissist: When Drinking is a Bigger Lure than Your Daughters

Divorcing a Narcissist: When Drinking is a Bigger Lure than Your Daughters

st pattyThis weekend was absolutely typical of what it is like to “parent” with Seth.  He had two daytime visits this weekend– 11am to 5pm, both days.  He still refuses to supply us with a phone number so God forbid we had a real emergency- I would have no way to contact him.

On Friday night, Piper came home from gymnastics and felt warm to me.  During dinner, we could tell that she wasn’t feeling well.  We took her temperature and sure enough, she was toasty.  I emailed Seth around 7:45pm to let him know that she had a fever and to give him two options: we could re-schedule his visitation weekend or I could send Piper in pajamas and they could have a mellow weekend.  I was surprised when I didn’t hear back because historically, he doesn’t handle sick children very well and thought he’d jump at the chance to reschedule.

We arrived at the coffee shop for the 11am parenting exchange and I could see the hangover before he even opened his mouth.  I remained in my car with the window down and asked, “Did you get my email?”

Seth: “No…?”

Me: “Piper is really sick and has a fever.  I gave her Tylenol at 10:30am but she needs to remain mellow today and will need another dose around 2:30-3pm.

Seth: “Oh…okay.  I have Tylenol.  I will give it to her around 12:30.”

Me: “No- she won’t need it until 2:30pm…I just gave it to her at 10:30am”

Seth: “Okay- I have some at the house.”  “Girls- let’s go into the coffee shop and Skype with Noni (his mom, Cleo)”

Me: “Seth- she is sick.  Can you take them to your house and Skype with them there?  I will wait here until you go inside and get your computer.”

Seth:  “Okay- that’s fine.”  He then went and got his computer while I stayed with the girls.

He was more hungover than I have seen him in a very long time.  Hoarse voice, red complexion and he looked horrible.  Alcoholism was a huge issue during our marriage and it runs heavily on his mom’s side of the family.  He has now had multiple “drunk in public” offenses, one DUI and one DUI which was reduced to a “Wet n Reckless” with the help of a good attorney.

I arrived to pick the girls up at 5pm and Seth told them that he would see them tomorrow.  I could immediately see that Piper was flushed.  “Why don’t we just let her sleep tomorrow and see how she feels?  Maybe you can have a day next week?”  “Oh- that’s fine”, he replied with more energy in his voice.  No argument from him?

After we arrived home and took her temperature which was around 102. I also discovered that he had never administered Tylenol or ibuprofen and he dragged her out of the house with a fever to eat Taco Bell since there was no food at his house. We arrived home around 5:30pm where Piper went straight to her bed after dinner and thankfully, her fever broke during the night.  She was cool to the touch at 3am when I checked on her and seemed back to normal Sunday morning other than a yucky cough.

I had received an email from Seth at 9:30pm on Saturday night that said, “I’d like to see the girls both days next weekend in lieu of this weekend.”  Wait.  Both days?  I am so confused.  He wants both days because she wasn’t healthy for one of his visits?  I could hear his voice, “Ma’am, I would like a refund on my visit.”  Oy vey….

I emailed Seth at 7:34am on Sunday morning to update him that Piper’s fever had broke and that I would just assume we stick to the scheduled 11am visit versus rescheduling for next weekend.  The thought of dealing with him three weekends in a row was too much to bear since Piper was now feeling better.  He replied with the following, “I’d like to see the girls next weekend in lieu of today as I already assumed we changed plans yesterday at the exchange.”  Around the same time he called my phone and said that he had made plans to go to the beach with friends and couldn’t see the girls.

My first thought was that If I only saw my daughters 4-5 days per monthI would cancel plans with my friends at any opportunity to see my daughters.  Then I reminded myself that we are not the same person…thankfully.  It had also dawned on me– this was St. Patrick’s Day weekend.  An entire weekend of drinking….which explains how bad the Saturday morning hangover was and it also explained his eagerness to get out of Sunday’s visit.

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8 Responses

  1. I would’ve called the police to have him take a breathalyzer. When you’re that hung-over, you still have alcohol left in the system. No way would I have willingly let my kids get in the car – I would’ve let the police make that call. Since Seth already has a few alcohol-related charges, he probably would’ve walked away from the visitation knowing this could result in a DIU right off the bat because he drove to the coffee shop.

  2. I agree with you and could write a whole blog about this…lots of mixed thoughts here from past experiences.

  3. Sounds just like my kids *dad*. This past Saturday should have been his visit day and I heard zip from his supervisor~ he isn’t allowed to contact me himself. Actually, he has not taken a visit on St. pats weekend for several years now. Amazing. I’m not at all surprised though~ he’s *Irish*. I continue to be shocked by the court system here in Missouri. He gets two 2hour visits a month. We’re talking 4 hours a month. Period. ( *professionlly* supervised, take that for what it’s worth~nothing) on the first and third Saturdays. He has not taken a visit since DECEMBER 15th of 2012!!! And I just found out that the judge found me in contempt of something I haven’t done AGAIN!!! What IS this insanity?? He’s got a history of drug and alcohol abuse. Can’t hold a job. Has had restraining orders against him from myself, my chdren and his own mother. AND is a PEDOPHILE! Yet the Judge INSISTS that my children be subjected to more emotional trauma with this man.

  4. Oh my goodness… I can totally relate to so very much of this! My narcissistic husband and I have been going through our divorce for about a year now. I am reading your book and it’s very comforting to know that I’m not alone out there.

    This past week he was not scheduled to have our children, as the court papers stipulate that this was my year to spend Spring Break with them. I put my children’s events on a shared Google calendar for him to see. As such,he sent me a text message wanting to know why he wasn’t listed on the Google Calendar for this past Wednesday or this past weekend. I texted back “if you would like to spend time with them, I’m sure they would enjoy seeing you.” His response, “why wouldn’t I….?” This coming from the same man that refused to let our children sleep in their own beds Christmas Eve (…all that I requested) because it was during “his time.”

    I suppose I could presume that he forgot about the Spring Break arrangement… The kids are so used the routine of Wednesday evenings and every other weekend… Therefore, I went ahead and attached a note to those particular days on the Google Calendar, indicating that even though the Custodial Parent was to have possession, I would let them spend time with him for “them.” There were only two things that I requested: #1 for my children to attend church with me on Sunday (my youngest was begging to go); and #2 to either take my son to the church in time for his evening District Youth Group Retreat, or to call me so I can give my son the ride. Before he walked out on our family, the children and I attended church each weekend. Now they don’t get to go when he has them….while he sleeps in??? What gives??? But, I digress.

    Anyway,I told my children I’d be seeing them for church on Sunday, and reminded my son to bring $3 with him for his snack supper at Youth. (Remember, Custodial Parent’s time…) Saturday evening he contacted me to let me know they had other plans for Sunday morning.

    On Sunday afternoon the Youth Director calls asking where my son is, if we are almost there (the church). I look down at my watch to notice that it’s about five minutes past the time the church group was scheduled to leave. So I called my “Seth” to ask him if they were almost there (at the church), and shared with him that the Youth Group was waiting on our son so they could leave. My “Seth” just sits there…then says, “oh…well he’s not going, he said he didn’t want to go.” What? (I thought to myself) This is something this kid has really been looking forward to doing, and now he doesn’t “want” to go. I quickly ended the conversation by letting him know that I was going to call the Youth Director and let her know that our son would not be able to make it after all,so they could go on their way to the retreat destination. At no point does it ever dawn on “him” that he is impacting the lives of others…or,he simply just doesn’t care.

    When my children came home Sunday evening, my daughter (6 years old) was fit to tied. She was infuriated that he would not allow her to go to church, when all he did was sleep…and sleep, and more sleep. “Other plans” my foot. That’s the same thing I hear every time they go over there. Which is very typical behavior for him. It’s all about him getting enough rest. One o’clock in the afternoon for wake-up time? No problem. Kids fend for themselves. It’s sad, sad, sad. That’s just a snippet of the journey. UGH!!!

  5. Not surprised. Sounds typical, especially the part about him wanting to make up the time next weekend and has ‘plans” already. Priorities right? I mean what is more important?

  6. Oh my – this sound familiar! When we happen to change or switch times/days because of fever/a bad cold or to accomodate my ex, it becomes a huge production because he twists facts and outright makes up stuff to try and get extra time (he already has a ton) or to confuse things and keep the emails going and going…

    Or he’ll ask to switch a holiday, take mine, then try to take away the one he switched. I never ask to deviate from the schedule because it’s such a nightmare. Wish I had enough money to communicate only through a third party, since the bulk of the emails are either harassment or for attention.

  7. I couldn’t have said it better myself. In 2 years I’ve asked for 5 changes to the schedule. Each is met with a tremendous amount if difficulty, unnecessary communication, guilt trips etc. On the 5th one when I asked to move a 3 hour visit to a different day it resulted in a threat via his attorney to hold me in contempt and have me arrested. I’ve never asked for a change since & that was a year ago. On the other hand I’ve had to accommodate probably 50 changes. If I dont, I’m reminded how the judge will hear about how unreasonable I am. Sick. We are so bullied by these npd’s.

  8. Hi. As an older and young survivor, age 47 of the group here I have to vent. i am a survivor of two, (yes, two Father-wanna-be’s) narcissist attacks, three judges, six lawyers, numerous failed mediations, meeting more policemen than ever needed in a lifetime, a bankruptcy and not to mention all the “drastic measures” I find myself still in shock. I am shocked to read everything that occurs on a daily, weekly, monthly journey for all of us and our children. Why, why, why is it necessary for us to accommodate, incorporate, and substantiate a damaged human being that shouldn’t be able to care for anything ” alive” let alone another human being or a helpless child. Dogs and cats seem to have a higher level of care and protection in my city. Yes, we know children are property and have no rights. Now, that I am no longer playing “Reindeer games” and they have moved on to other targets I can’t believe what I have done to survive such a nightmare. It’s as if it didn’t really happen to me and it was all a bad dream. On a closing note, my point simply is to any judge in the good old U.S.A. that if any woman thought for a minute that they would have to protect their child or children from their own flesh and blood, do You really think we would have chose to create life with this creep. And what if the Mother was a victim of a rape? And then, we try ” to get away” so to speak or make the right choice that we don’t even want to make in the first place and we are thrown into yet another forum where we are scrutinized or judged or challenged for protecting our child. I can remember hearing, ” well, you picked him or You chose to have children with him”. If that isn’t an oxymoron, I don’t know what else is. Fathers (or mothers) have the legal right to abuse, neglect, and or cause harm and our judgements aren’t credible or substantiated by simply being a caring, loving, devoted Mother. Why does this look crazy to a lay person. Why are judges be it male or female who probably have not been subjected to what we have in their lifetime qualified to make orders that go against our civil rights? I know we have to prove everything to courts to support changes. Or, if this is the way a creepy Dad or parent “is” then we have to prove why they are harmful to their child. It should all be the other way around. I would ve died for my children and almost did. I would’ve taken one hundred bullets to have stopped what my children have endured. I took one. I could go on but I’ll stop for now. I have moved on. Now, one of my children tragically passed away…I lost my Father suddenly too. I am single, strong, and you would never know also the saddest and happiest Mom in the whole wide world. I am watching two close friends and four beautiful children go through this unjust court system times six years now and it is a mind funk, mind boggling, and horrifying journey once again to witness. I am so angry right now and just hearing and reading about the latest child abuses makes me crazy. My friend’s children are forever damaged. I am here for all of You. I pray for You all. I am so very sorry You/we have to go through this in our lifetimes. Life is to short. Peace and love always.