The Narcissistic Manipulation

The Narcissistic Manipulation

It seems like many moons ago (2010) when my X and I were going through the court-ordered custody evaluation.  We were instructed by the evaluator not to say, “I am going to miss you” to the girls when they were going with the other parent.  She stated that it made the girls worry about the parent that they wouldn’t be with.  She suggested that we say things like, “I love you and I hope you have a great time“.   I am careful in my choice of words whenever the girls leave for a visit as I don’t want them to feel torn in any way.

Unfortunately, Narcissists are master manipulators and they don’t care about making a child feel torn.  They thrive on manipulations.  Enter stage left, my X.  He has not made an effort to see the girls since the ex parte hearing.  I made contact with the company assigned to supervise the visits right after the hearing to get the process started.  His supervised visits are ordered to be one time per week for one hour each visit.  There hasn’t been a single visit and my assumption is that he has never contacted the company.

He called last night to tell the girls about his triathlon.  He wants to talk about himself and how far he swam, rode and ran.  They are 5 and 7 years old- they just don’t understand or care at this age.  It would be like me sitting them down and expecting them to be enthused about what I did at work on that particular day.  He explained that a 15-year old girl participated in the triathlon and that in a few years they too could participate.  He doesn’t think to ask what they are interested it.  He expects them to want to do a triathlon someday because that is what he wants them to do.

He wants them to be his puppet just like I was for so many years.

He ends each call with the manipulation turned up to high.  “This was supposed to be Daddy’s weekend to see you but….well….Daddy can’t see you for a while and that makes me sad.  We would have went swimming together and had a lot of fun.  Daddy will be able to see you soon– I hope I will get to see you this summer“.  He is hoping to evoke some response from them yet he doesn’t get the response he wanted.  He then switches to using his mom’s visit this summer as bait saying that he hopes that their Noni will get to see them also.  I have already let his mother know that she is welcome to see the girls anytime this summer at our home.  The girls know that their grandma is welcome in our home while she is here visiting from Saudi Arabia so this trick doesn’t work either.

Without saying a word to them, I can already tell that the girls see through their dad.  Today I am thankful to their therapist of the past year for helping them to understand that we can’t control other people or their decisions.  I am thankful that they are intuitive and know what is normal and what is contrived.  I am thankful that they have a voice.  I am thankful that they don’t move on cue when the puppet strings try to control them.

After reading stories from other mothers over the past week, I am thankful that while my X is manipulative; he hasn’t been able to manipulate the courts.  In his own mind, he feels highly intelligent and superior yet what is written in emails and said out loud appears scattered and rambling.  I am thankful that the courts see through him.

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13 Responses

  1. That is lucky indeed! Even though mine got caught in a lie on a sworn statement, the judge still gave him a lot of time with him and this last weekend started my son’s first full week of every other week during the summer with his dad. I also tell him “Love you, have a great time!” when he leaves. What does my ex tell him all week long when he is with me? “I miss my big boy!” “I wish you were here, I miss you so much” most of this is done through text messages to his cell phone and I catch them and delete them, but I’m sure he tells him that also.

  2. Ha! that phone conversation could have been between my ex and my boys! They’re all operating from the same playbook – for sure!

  3. It makes me so sad that such little girls even have to bother with therapy but I believe that you are giving your girls one of the greatest gifts they will ever get. To have such knowledge (about not being able to control people or their decisions), I hope, will serve them well throughout their lives. Keep up the good work, Tina.

  4. Dineen,

    I really do see the therapy in a positive light and I think it is so accepted (and important) now a days. I believe that what they are learning will help them in so many things in life. It’s not an hour to talk about dad and the dysfunction– it’s an hour to talk about anything that life throws their way. I wish that I would have learned the skills that they have at their age– it doesn’t make me sad. I am thankful to have found such an intuitive therapist that they love and trust. She is a Godsend 🙂

  5. Don’t you ever read things about these men and think, “Wait….what is his name….I SWEAR we were both married to the same man!”. 😉

  6. Our court system is so frustrating. I am sorry that they are away for so much of the summer!

  7. I am so proud of you and your girls. I wish they didn’t have to learn so much so young, but they will be very well prepared for the future and hopefully find suitable partners that are nothing like Dad. You have done well by your daughters. Keep it up!

  8. wow the parallels are unreal. my x missed all of our sons b ball games and when my 6 yr old gathered the courage to ask his father over the phone why he didnt come to see his home run., the ex replied “daddy had to work” 6year old then said ” all the other daddies work and they come” then the ex went on and on how HE was playing the opry and HOW important that was , and what a big deal it was….. gag . his maniupulation is wrapped in manipulation . “daddy could nt come buddy i had to work and i am a rockstar playing the opry ” Mine is definitely one that one in court . if i had done anything that he had done he would have put me away long ago

  9. You have such a great attitude. I’m glad you’ve found someone intuitive that your girls love. I’ve always thought that compatibility with the therapist was just as important as the therapy.

  10. I’ve had so many people, men and women, say that to me.

    I’m half convinced there’s like, 4 men and 4 women, and they are all the NPD / BPD we hear about from each other–one for each time zone here in the continental US.

  11. My kids are older. They are reaching their own conclusions it seems. They’ve learned to avoid direct discussion, limit the sharing of information, and don’t bother to ask for things. When they leave for visits I say “see ya.” When they come back I say “hi.” Unless there’s an issue no need to discuss any more. I figured out that he only goes to events where he’ll be seen, kids don’t expect him to sit in a darkened audience to see them perform as part of a group. No glory for him in that. Sigh.