Going Undercover: The Lies of a Narcissist

Going Undercover: The Lies of a Narcissist

Private Investigators, Informants, Angels and maybe a little bit of good old fashion Karma have all been working in unison over the past year.  I seem to stumble over little bits of information on every path.

I have to believe in my heart of hearts that good will always trump evil but sometimes it takes time, patience and a lot of faith.  I know with every ounce of my being that my X is like every other Narcissist in the world: this custody battle has nothing to do with the well-being of my daughters and everything to do with winning.  He has always been a great father when the camera was on or when someone was watching.   That veil of deception is beginning to fall as people are discovering who he really is.

The lies are almost difficult to keep up with.  Sometimes there is absolutely no reason to lie and it is baffling.  For instance, he called over the weekend and want on and on about the Escape from Alcatraz Triathlon that he was exhausted from.  He reminded my daughters of the island in the ocean that he had pointed out last year, Alcatraz Island.  He told them that he had just completed the race—that he swam all the way from that Island and then rode his bike up hills and ran as fast as he could.  The details of the race that he bestowed upon them were even believable to me.  Since the weekend, I have discovered that he didn’t do the triathlon at all.  He was in the area and would be considered a “lurker” but by no means did he run, bike or swim.   Upon receiving this information, I scanned the race results and he isn’t registered.  At all.

Why the need to lie?

I will never understand.

Trying to understand the purpose of his lies is like running on a hamster wheel—it never goes anywhere positive and is mental exhausting.  In my own mind, I go back to times during our marriage where he constantly confronted one particular friend who he felt was untruthful at times.  It almost became an obsession to my X – he would email the person and confront him on the half-truths and would bcc everyone in our friend group.  At that time, I found it odd that he was bcc’ing our friends but now I understand that it was to take the spotlight off of his own lies and deceptions.  The spotlight couldn’t possibly be shining in two places at once.

I believe that my X’s oldest brother summed it up best when he said that, “X is the most secure/insecure person in the world“.  At the time, I didn’t understand what he meant.  Now it makes absolute sense.  To those who don’t know him, he comes across as overly confident.  Once you are on the inside, he is the most insecure, tormented mind that I’ve ever encountered.  He lies to re-create his own reality and it allows him to escape who he is hiding from everyone else.

Several people have recently pointed out that he sounds more like a psychopath with Narcissistic tendencies and the more I read, the more I have to agree.

To Purchase “Tina’s Tips”, click here.

7 Responses

  1. “I have to believe in my heart of hearts that good will always trump evil but sometimes it takes time, patience and a lot of faith. ” It is sometimes so very hard to keep that belief, especially since some of what happens is “behind the scenes” or “not part of our (own) story”; the truth is in your statement, but isn’t always apparent to the mind and the senses.

  2. Question…is the discovery of this very strange lie something you can use in court? I’m just curious because it doesn’t directly affect his patenting but it certainly shows a lot about his personality. I just love how you are able to find concrete proof, because now I understand judges won’t listen to anything but that.

  3. Not really. The judge already knows that he is a liar– he says it often.

    Basically, it’s more bizarre than anything. Because he told the elaborate story to the girls (and probably to his family), its not admissible in court. I have found that this is a trend– he constantly claims to compete in races/events but doesn’t really participate.

  4. That kind of sums of their lives:….(claim to) compete or provide so much value, but aren’t really participating at all.

  5. Hi Tina,
    Thanks for another great article.
    I found it interesting that George Zimmerman’s wife was arrested on perjury charges for lying to a judge about tens of thousands of dollars.
    My ex husband committed perjury and lied to a family court judge about hundreds of thousands of dollars that severely impacted the well being of not just me but our children for over ten years and he received no punishment.
    And just like your ex; it’s not just about major things – he lies about even insignificant things. However, all of his lies are an attempt to boost his image and gain more power, control, notoriety or money.

  6. I have been told that there is no punishment for lying in Family Court. None. It is a joke– an attorney told me that he has never seen a person jailed for lying in Family Court. Criminal court is different– there are ramifications there. Just another frustrating aspect of the system.

  7. Very insightful. The hamster wheel example sums it up perfectly. I do not know if you are familiar with the Bugs Bunny cartoon, but I would often describe to my friends that life with my ex-husband was like being married to the Tazmanian(?) devil. Bugs Bunny would be passively chew his carrot and Taz would enter the room like a tornado and create total chaos, mayhem, brokenness and destruction and be oblivious about what he was doing and when he would stop, Bugs would say his catchphrase “What’s up, Doc?” and there’s this hopeless mess left that you need to clean up, that pretty much sums up almost everyday with my ex. Not knowing what he was doing, why he was doing or how to make him stop, just knowing it was wrong and I needed to get me and my children away from the dysfunction of it all.I am so grateful it is not like that anymore(or less like that I should say)since we no longer live in the same house. It is still hard, but not as hard as it used to be, especially once you begin to recognize the truth of the matter.
    It is interesting that the foundation of their(NPD) existence rests on lie upon lie upon lie(tangled webs they weave)but it is also so very sad. I feel sad for our children that they get pulled into and caught up in even an ounce of the pathology of Narcissists. The tormented soul that has to wear the mask to cover themselves up in the first place, and to shamelessly subject our children to it, sad very sad-(victim,no, sad, yes). And the courts, even the attorneys say you can’t “fix” them, nobody even cares to try. I am not saying whether or not it can be done, only God knows, but the mentality that it is what is. As far as the courts are concerned the fact remains that they are the other parent, prove that they are not emotionally stable(being deceptive does not prove that, especially when you are talking about lawyers being involved(most lawyers nowadays are liars), the practice seems to be (parents)are entitled to be one to the children-“frequent and consistent contact” the kind of contact is hardly the issue, it is not until after any damage is done that they consider differently. That mentality definitely needs to change. I know this is your website, but thank you for giving us a place to turn to and to comment in the midst of, for what probably is for many of us, situations where we feel highly disregarded. Thanks again for your courage to speak out and allow others the opportunity to know that we can overcome and perservere and we and our children will be the better for our efforts.